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The City of Angels by Grimintentions

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The City of Angels by @grimintentions

Thank you for your submission, it is really appreciated.

Reviewed on 15.11.23
Reviewed by @hkr_writes

Opening Scene:
🔸Does the story begin with an interesting hook, creating a desire to read more?
The prologue begins art the end of the book where the main character, Vincenza, dies. The writing style in this prologue tells the reader what happens. The best way to fix this is to remember that readers want to see the main character, in this case, Tommy's perspective. However, adding feelings, thoughts, beliefs, fears and dreams would form a perspective.

After reading everything, I still do not understand why the death was shown first. I don't think this was necessary to start it this way. This would have been visible if the characters motivations were revealed after the death scene.

Here's an example from your book:
My worst fears which haunted my sleep and every time a half-hearted promise was made came true. The idea sends chills down my body as Vincenza slumped to the floor.

Vincenza is dying and it's my fault.

Her mouth moved as though she wanted to say something. I couldn't understand a thing she was saying.

A bullet to her chest. A stab wound.

A hopeless situation.

My legs moved on their own, any source of logical thinking disappeared. I'm heading straight into danger, straight into death to hold the woman I love one more time. And I'll do it over and over again if I had to.

🔹Does the manuscript begin in the right place?
Chapter 1 begins at a meeting with a boss and his friends, Sal. I have mentioned in a comment where it could have started better, as far I can recall, that was when the couple met.

Characterization & Motivation:
🔸Are the characters compelling, sympathetic, or someone you can root for?
I can root for Cenza after Elena is kidnapped.

🔹Do the characters feel real and three-dimensional, with distinct voices, flaws, and virtues?
The characters feel flat because there is no motivation or fears in them. Add these in and the dialogue will automatically change for the better.

🔸Are their goals clear and proactive enough to influence the plot (not passive)?
As stated previously, I see no clear goals.

It may be best to look into some plotting worksheets where they show the following:
A character wants something but fears something which stands in the way of them achieving their goal. They try to achieve the goal while avoiding their fear. This does not go well. Something happens which causes them to face their fears and is up to them to go after their goal or maybe they realised that goal wasn't what they actually wanted or needed.

🔹Do their motivations seem believable, with well-drawn and appropriate emotion?
N/A

🔸Are the secondary characters well-rounded and enhance the story rather than overwhelming the story or seeming like they should be cut?
There aren't many secondary characters but again once they are given motivations, they will be easier to root for.

🔹Are the relationships between the characters believable and not contrived?
The character relationships are somewhat realistic. I like the interactions between Salvador and Tommy.

Plot & Conflict:
🔸Are the internal and external conflicts well defined for each main character?
Again, there isn't internal conflict as the character seem to have no visible fears. External conflicts so far is the world, the Moreno gang for now.