Wife and Girlfriend

Chapter 25

Otanyi

I didn't know whether to be scared that he was yelling in the car or get excited because he was about to clearly express something very personal about his feelings for me. He'd turned his body toward me, as far as the vehicle configuration would allow, and brought both of my hands to rest in his hands.

So, I opted for silence and just sat with my purse still in my lap and his hand resting on top of mine. I could see the light signifying that a call was coming through, and he no doubt could see it, too, since it lit up the interior every time it came on. Whoever was calling was doing so incessantly.

I knew who it was and could tell that Tiger did, too.

Removing one of my hands from his grasp, I pulled the purse out of my lap and placed it snuggly behind me between my back and the door. Although I knew it would keep ringing internally, neither of us could see or hear it now.

The action seemed to spark something in Tiger, especially when I returned my hand to where he was holding on to the other.

"I don't know what you're not getting here, Otanyi, but I have thoughts about you all the time. And I want to be with you even in the times when I'm supposed to be focused on something else. Do you know how that makes me feel?" he let out almost without taking a breath.

The wave of emotion and the sheer strength of his admission to me threatened to push me over. Thus far, I thought that I'd been operating by rote. This was self-preservation. Or at least that was what I kept telling myself. But something about how he was looking at me, holding me, and even the tenor of his voice. It was hard not to let it affect me.

I was sure I hadn't figured out where I stood yet with my feelings for Tiger, but he was sitting here so self-assured in what he said to me.

I looked into his eyes and knew this was a man on a mission.

"Tiger, I, I'm trying to take all..." it wasn't coming out right. It probably never would until I finally came to grips with my feelings. But then, given how he looked at me and the extra pressure he'd just put on my hands, I don't think he was interested in being patient.

"Wait, let me just get this out," he interrupted me.

And so, I leaned into the seat with the side of my body and gave him the floor. A little bit of relief set in when I recognized that he wasn't interested in me reciprocating with any grand disclosures tonight. But it was quickly overrun by panic because I knew that he intended to do just that himself.

"Ever since I met you, I've been unable to get you out of my mind. I tried for weeks after we met to get in touch with you without success. And then, when we finally get together, and I had the chance to be near you for any length of time, it was always never enough. I don't know if the words that are coming out of my mouth are making any sense to you, but it's just that I've never felt like this before, so it's difficult for me to say it correctly," he ended by looking into my face expectantly. If he was looking for guidance, I didn't have any.

Matters of the heart weren't really my forte. I didn't have a plan like my sister or adhere to some belief that a higher power conducted our lives, even in the personal sphere, like my parents believed God did. I believed in having much more autonomy. I didn't have a clear focus when it came to 'being in love' and, to my knowledge, had never been in it.

Some may call it impetuous, but I liked to live my life out before me and take things and people as they came. Not having to curate everything perfectly meant I could experience my true self or whoever I was developing into. So, these overarching ideals about what life was or was not supposed to be weren't questions that I delved into regularly. If you felt it, great. Who was I to tell you differently? I was definitely no type of authority. I was still trying to manage myself, nevermind having to decipher what something meant to someone else.