I Let Myself Want You

36 ● Yohan ● 4.05.2023

"I hired you, because I don't know what to do with this tumor, and because I need your help in deciding on the treatment," I explained, showing him the next scan, this time from a different angle, with a name written at the top of the scan. "I need you to keep me alive, Malcolm," I said sternly, looking into his eyes.

He has always been pale as fucking flour, but I could tell that he paled even more when he saw that scan, and he looked up at me with scared eyes. "Yohan-ah," he whispered with a broken voice, and his eyes were already full of pity.

"As you can see, it's a big meningioma," I started explaining, looking at the scans. "It seems like it must have been growing for a while. It's in the occipital lobe, and I had a lot of headaches lately, also some troubles with vision, that's why I did the scans in the first place, and well, I found this," I said, laughing a little at that, because I was still a bit stunned. "Look, you and I both know that meningiomas can be easy to get rid of, but not always. And well, I would like to do something about it, before I lose my fucking eyesight, so I need you to focus and present me a plan. I need a kickass neurosurgeon who isn't me, I need someone experienced, someone who won't be scared to do whatever it takes."

And I knew Malcolm was like that. He was a genius, he worked quickly, but precisely, he was always focused, and aggressive, but effective. And as shocked as he must have been, I wasn't surprised at all when he started talking about the tumor like it was just another case, another patient. "It really is big, I don't get how you didn't get any symptoms before, though I guess they never make themselves known, bloody bastards," he said, sighing heavily. "But you said you had some strong headaches? Troubles with vision? Yeah, if there's shit like that going on, then we need to act quick. Have you considered surgery?" He asked, looking at me expectantly.

"Honestly? I'm scared of it," I admitted. It was a fucking brain tumor after all, everything could go wrong.

"Okay," he nodded in understanding right away. "Obviously chemo is out of the table. But what about radiation? It should help, I guess. I can get you like twenty, maybe thirty sessions of radiation, and then we will see what's left of the tumor?" He suggested. "Five times a week, for a month, maybe two. The tumor may shrink. Or if you're one hundred percent sure, I can do the surgery. I should hope for a complete resection during a simple craniotomy, if you want. And then of course, I would recommend radiation after that anyway, so I don't know. We can do a month of radiation, and obviously it's not going to disappear after a month, but then, after that, we can decide on the surgery. Then some more radiation after. And if you're scared about losing your sight so much, then we won't do the surgery. But if we do just radiation, there's going to have to be a lot of it, and you can get even more headaches, and stuff like fatigue, and even hearing loss, so there's that."

I knew all of that, of course I did, but when I thought about the fact that he was talking about my treatment, it suddenly felt like too much. So I could either get a surgery that would be successful, or lose my sight in the process, or forget about the surgery and just do radiation, that we don't know if it would help and it could cause more damage.

"The question is, do I even have time for radiation?" I asked curiously, wanting to know his opinion about this, knowing damn well that the tumor must have been growing for years.

Malcolm looked at the scans and sighed heavily. "Considering the size of it, if it keeps growing and you'll do absolutely nothing, I'd say you have a few years, mate," he admitted. "But it's your first scan, we don't know how fast it's growing, so I'd recommend doing scans every few days, just to be cautious. So, if the radiation can even take up to two years for it to work, for the tumor to shrink, I'd say it's pretty pointless for you to only do radiation on its own."

"So you're saying that you recommend surgery, right?" I asked, just to be sure, and he nodded slowly. Damn it. During surgery so much shit could go wrong.

"What did Jesper have to say about this? Or Jisoo?" Malcolm asked and my eyes widened hearing those names. That was the other thing I had to do, tell him to keep his mouth shut.

"I haven't told anyone. Literally. Just you," I said, looking away. "I need you to keep this a secret, Mal. No one can know. Especially not people at the hospital. And not Jesper, not yet. I will give away all of my surgeries, so that I'm not a danger for any of the patients. I'll do the chief work for now. And I'll think about the surgery. Let's start with radiation, as soon as possible. Tomorrow. Today, even. I don't care. I'll give you an answer about the surgery in a month, okay? After the first month of radiation," I proposed, hoping that he would agree to it, because I still needed some more time to think about it, I didn't want to just go lay on the table and let him cut into my brain, even though I trusted him. To be honest, I wouldn't let anyone else open my fucking brain.

"Of course, we'll start the radiation today then, as you wish," Malcolm said, nodding politely. "But Yohan, why the hell are you hiding it from Jesper? From what I understood, you guys just got together. Shouldn't you tell him that you may not have a lot of time after all?" He asked, looking at me with a pained expression on his face.

"That's exactly why," I spoke, powerless. "We just got together, he's been waiting twenty fucking years for this. How am I supposed to tell him that it's all going to end soon? I can't do that to him, man. I can't hurt him again," I added. Just thinking about Jesper finding out about the tumor made me sick to my stomach. I didn't want to see him cry, never again.

"That's bloody bonkers, mate," he spoke, snorting loudly. "You'll hurt him if you'll die, Yohan. What don't you get? Not telling him is the worst option."

I knew that. I truly did. I just wanted to postpone telling him. I was even hoping for a full recovery, so that I wouldn't have to tell him at all. Yet after talking to Malcolm about it, I wasn't so sure about any recovery now, to be honest.

My best bet was surgery, hands down. But I needed some more time to think about it, I wanted to postpone it, mainly because I didn't want to tell Jesper about it, and well, if I had surgery, he would probably have to know.

"I don't want to tell you what to do, but you'll need all the support you can get," Malcolm said, smiling at me sadly. "Actually now that I think about it, let me do the next scan in a week, so that we know if it's growing, and then, in a week, we can start radiation," he proposed in the end, and obviously, I agreed.

"I really trust you about this, Malcolm," I admitted. "I wouldn't call you if I didn't. I know you'll do the right thing, I know you'll do everything in your power," I said, sending him a grateful smile. "And I promise I'll tell everyone about it, just- Not yet."

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