I Let Myself Want You

26 ● Yohan ● 14.02.2023

February 14th, 2023

Yohan, New York

I've always hated Valentine's Day, like literally, ever since I could remember. I usually celebrated it just to make Sam happy, but I couldn't bring myself to do it this year. I simply didn't care enough to do it.

Ever since I became the chief, I've been busier than ever. And thanks to that, Sam started working more as well. After my dad's funeral I have been going to the hospital more and more, which kind of upset my wife a bit and we fought about it a lot. I managed to get a day off today, just because I felt like it, but I completely forgot that it was fucking Valentine's Day. And turns out that Sam had a day off as well, and she even asked her parents to watch Joey today, just so that we could spend the day together.

I not only wasn't in the mood for celebrating something like Valentine's Day, I simply didn't feel like being in Sam's company. Not today. I wished that I stayed at work, honestly.

So when she came to me in the afternoon, while I was sitting by myself in my study, I got mad. I told her that I don't want to celebrate, that I don't want to spend time with her, that I need some alone time, that I'm still fucking grieving and I don't feel like acting happy around her. And well, she got mad as well. She even slapped me in that anger, which annoyed me a bit, but I wasn't about to raise a hand at her, never.

Eventually she got so mad that she decided to leave me alone and she simply left the house. She said that she was going to see her parents and spend the day with them and Joey, but somehow I didn't believe her. The sad thing though, was the fact that I didn't care. I didn't give a shit if she'd go to someone else. To be completely honest, I stopped caring a long time ago.

My feelings towards Sam started slowly disappearing a few months ago, around the time when I first saw Jesper after almost two decades.

Seeing him instantly reminded me about my feelings for him and how much I didn't want to be with Sam, how miserable I was, and that I only stayed with her, because I didn't see a better option.

And Jesper, well, I've been thinking about him a lot lately. Especially this past month, after dad died. I've been thinking about my talk with him, right before he died, about our talk concerning Jesper. How my dad knew and he didn't mind it. How he loved Jesper and he wanted us to be together. And fucking hell, I regretted that he hasn't told me before. I'm sure he'd love to see Jesper and I getting together someday, and well, he'll never see it happen.

But I wanted to do it though. I think I'm finally ready to do it. Or at least I think I should talk to him, I think I should tell him about everything. It was only fair that Jesper knew about my feelings, since I've known about his for many years.

So that's how I planned my Valentine's Day this year. I had a fight with my wife and I decided to call my best friend to have a talk with him, to finally tell him how I really feel about him, after all those years.