Vegas: Devil's Rose #9

Chapter 23: June Emerson

Bruce drops me back off at my apartment before heading into Westmoor.

I think he knows that I felt off. I've never been good at hiding the way I feel around him, and he knows me so fucking well. What was I supposed to do?

Last night was supposed to be our moment. It was supposed to be the night that we got together, and it was the start of our official relationship. That was when we were supposed to begin. And yet, here I am, packing clothes for some time in Albany, New York.

It's not that I don't want to be with him. I just don't know what I want to do. I want to be with him, but I don't think I'm ready for the layers and responsibilities that come with being with him.

I'm making a big fucking mistake leaving. That much is true, and I'm not going to hide that fact from myself. I'm not in denial about my bad choices. I know I'm making a bad choice, but I'm not sure what else to do.

If I stay here, if I try to decide my (our) future here, I know what I'll choose. It would be Bruce. I would stay here, be his Old Lady, marry him, and change my last name from Emerson to Dalton. I would probably end up having and raising beautiful babies with him too.

That's not a bad life. That's a beautiful life, one I wouldn't replace for anything. Except, I think I'm only saying that because there's pressure for me to make that decision here. I love Grove Heights, and I love Westmoor, but I know what my future would be here.

While it's a beautiful future, and a future that part of me wants, I also have another part of my aching to do what I've always done. Traveling the world with my team, meeting new people, going to see new places, and doing massive amounts of research calls me too. I haven't lost that part of me because I've fallen in love with Bruce.

While I know that Bruce wouldn't be stopping me from pursuing my goals as an archaeologist, eventually, because I've seen it evident throughout my life (and studies honestly), my hopes for myself are going to be pushed aside. Especially with something like a motorcycle club.

There is nothing wrong with what the already existing Old Ladies have decided to do. They have jobs, and they make money, are independent, and their own people. I'm not denying them that. However, it would be a lie to say that they have freedom in everything that they do.

They are raising children, they are wives, they are dedicated to a club that needs them, and they have responsibilities that cannot be ignored. Although they are happy with the choice they made, they had to sacrifice a lot for it.

With every choice made, something is sacrificed, but I'm not quite sure how willing I am to sacrifice the things that Fiona, Persephone, Dakota, Beatrice, Piper, Hazel, Kate, and Gabriella have. It is wrong of me to think about other options?

Can I still be in love with Bruce while debating if this is the life that I want?

Am I overthinking everything?

Am I making the biggest mistake of my life?

What am I doing? Where do I go from here? Is Albany even going to give me the answers that I want? Am I just setting myself up for a disaster?

I have no idea what I'm doing but seeing my family feels like the right move. I think I need some guidance. My parents are the people that can do that. I need a break from Grove Heights.

I haven't left for months, and with everything that's happened, I need to take a step back and truly think about what I want for my life. I have always had a destination. After my undergraduate degree, I knew I was going to get my Ph.D.

After my Ph.D., I knew I wanted to travel. Traveling is one destination after another. The destination of research papers is publication and recognition. In my relationships, I thought that Wesitn and I would get married and our destination would be dying together old and happy, wanting the same things.

Even with Bruce, the destination is us finally being together. We're going to live this picket white fence life and that'll be that. We love each other, we have a family, and we continue on.

I'm done with the fucking destinations. But how do you start living if you don't where you want to end up? How do I even begin whatever the fuck the journey of life is when I'm not sure what I want from it? What do I want for myself? What do I wish to have? I can't answer these questions.

I don't know. I don't feel like I have to know every single detail, but I want something. I want a desire for myself that has nothing to do with Westmoor, Grove Heights, Devil's Rose MC, Bruce, my job. I'm not good at floating around, so I need some type of goal, but I don't know what that could be.

Honestly, it's fucking terrifying. I've never had to deal with this before.

It'll be good for me to get some perspective. Maybe I'll be in Albany for ten hours and know what I want, maybe it'll take longer than that. I don't know, but I don't think I'm able to think here. Not in the way that I want. Because I'm biased here.

I love it. I love that I've met. I love the landscapes. I love Bruce. There's so much sentimental attachment, but what if that's holding me back? What if that attachment is hiding me from something bigger? What if I'm so blinded here that I can't even think of how I could possibly balance my goals for archaeology with my love for Bruce?

It sounds so fucked up and stupid. It sounds so dramatic and ridiculous. I am being pretty ridiculous, but this is a new feeling for me. I've always known where I'm going next, and right now, all I know is that there's a flight for me to get on.

I'm so fucking lost.

I've seen the way that women sacrifice their dreams for love. I've seen it turn out both good and bad. I've seen women balance their dreams and families. I've seen the strength of women, and the way they break themselves trying to keep it all together. I refuse to do that to myself only because I don't think I have the strength to keep myself above water.

I take a shuddering breath, zipping up my packed suitcase. Knowing that Bruce has the key to my apartment, which he will use after two knocks on the door and me not answering, I leave a note on the kitchen counter, telling him about my choice to go back to Albany.

I tell him why too. He has no reason to be kept in the dark. I don't want him to think that this was because of him. It has everything to do with me, and it's cliché, but it's true. I think I need to discover who I am outside of a relationship.

I've changed through being in a relationship with Westin, this past week, and even into my relationship with Bruce. There's a lot of me I don't know yet, and that's another cliché, but I must be acknowledging it. I've always labeled myself about something or someone else. What do I want without the labels?

I lock my apartment door behind me, finalizing my decision.

This is going to be good for me. A break, a breather, a moment to find which way I want to go next.

I swear it's going to last less than a week, I saw about three days, and I'm going to know. I can't sit still for long. I'm going to find something. I just need to take a step back and go away from the place that's causing me so much turmoil. There's nothing wrong with me needing a moment. Whatever happens next is on me.

I will deal with the consequences of my own actions, but I feel good about this action. I feel good about this choice right now. That's enough for me. I'm going to see my family; I'm going to see the place where it all began for Bruce and me in New York City. That'll help me, and even if it doesn't, I'm going to be happy with this choice still. Call it a gut feeling.