Vegas: Devil's Rose #9

Chapter 7: June Emerson

My phone rings from the living room again.

After coming back to my place last night, Bruce and I spent the whole day lounging around and watching Disney movies. It was nice to feel safe and be able to relax. And since I'm off this weekend, I don't have to worry about heading into work until Tuesday. 

I also think I'm going to quit on Tuesday. With the time I've been spending with Bruce, he's ignited this passion in me to go out and follow my own dreams I guess. I did for so long, and I thought I had to sacrifice my dream for Westin, but I think I can do both. T

exas has a bunch of anthropological sites that haven't been explored yet or need more people to explore. I just have to research some organizations or institutions that are looking to hire people. I'm done bouncing around jobs because Westin doesn't want me gone from the city for too long.

Since Bruce had been at my place for almost two days, he had to leave last night to shower and get into clean clothes. He didn't come back this morning, and it's not like I'm worried about him, but I think something happened with the Devil's Rose MC. 

It also might pertain to me and the dead body of the man who tried to hurt me. So I should go pick up my phone from the living room in case it's Bruce or Westin for that matter, but I can't. My bed is too much like a warm cocoon right now.

If it's Westin anyway, I don't want to talk to him in the first place. And it's not because I didn't answer my phone call (even if Bruce is being petty about it). I don't want to answer because then what do I say? We haven't talked to each other since the morning of the incident. 

That's not unusual for us, but what's happened in the past day and a half is also extremely unusual. How do I even begin to tell him? What do I say? Oh, hi, Westin. How are you? Good, I'm glad you're doing okay. Guess what happened to me? 

Your best friend, Rex, tried to have sex with me without my consent, and Bruce, you remember Bruce, killed him. How else can that conversation go? I have to tell him at some point. Westin deserves to know what happened. He also deserves to know that Bruce was the one to take care of me.

The phone rings again, and I groan into my empty bedroom. I roll out of bed, trying to stop myself from sobbing because the cold floor is almost too much to bear, and I go into my living room to see ten missed calls from Westin. 

I decide that it's best to text him, telling him that I was asleep and didn't hear the phone. About five seconds later, he calls me again.

"Baby, hi. Did you sleep well?" he begins.

"Yeah, I slept okay. It's been a weird couple of days."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"No, I'm not ready yet."

"Okay, well, I'm here for you whenever you are."

And that's why it's so hard to leave him. It's because he's not a bad guy at all. He's been a sweetheart since the moment we met. He's everything I should want in a man. He is everything I want in a man. 

It's just that he's holding back from committing to me in the same way that I want to commit to him. He won't tell me why he's holding back either. I'm just not quite sure what to do because I want to be with him, but I don't know if we want the same future anymore.

"How are you doing?" I ask him, directing the conversation away from me.

"I'm good. The hospital has been driving me up the wall lately, and since today is my day off, I figured we could spend it together."

Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit. I'm not ready for that. The guilt is just going to pile up, and it's going to burst from me, and I'm not ready to know his reaction. He's going to know that something is up with me. I don't think I can handle that yet.

"Uh, I'm not feeling that good, so maybe not."

"I'll come over. I am a doctor."

"Exactly. I don't want you to get sick. You have to go back to the hospital tomorrow."

"Thank you for worrying about me, but I think I can handle my girlfriend being sick."

"I know you can, but I rather you didn't."

He doesn't say anything for a second.

"You can just say you want some alone time. You don't have to lie to me about being sick. I understand wanting a moment to yourself."

Fuck.

"I didn't want to make you feel bad, Wes."

"You couldn't, okay? I'll spend the day just thinking about you," he soothes.

I honestly don't know what to do. How do I move on from someone who treats me exactly the way I deserve? How do I say goodbye to someone who I care about? I don't want to have to leave him because we don't want the same thing. I wish, fuck I wish so much that relationships were easy.

"How about dinner on Tuesday night?"

"Sure, yeah, if I feel better."

"Remember, you aren't sick, baby."

Damn, yeah, he caught onto that pretty quick. I feel bad about it because I should be able to talk to him about what happened to me. He should be the first guy I want to tell. I should be wanting to spend time with him, even if I don't tell him, and just soak in his comforting presence. 

But all I can think about is wanting Bruce here instead. I want Bruce here because he already knows. I want Bruce here because he knows exactly how to comfort me. I want Bruce here because it's easier. And I feel extremely guilty about it. My relationship with Westin already feels like it's falling apart and now I can't even spend time with him. 

I lied to him not to spend time with him. Yeah, maybe it's because I'm going through something, but I have this gut feeling that is telling me I'm doing the right thing. It's a feeling that's telling me that I should be going to Bruce instead of Westin regardless of what happened. I'm ashamed to feel that. I shouldn't be.

I've spent six years of my life trying to build a life with Westin. It shouldn't be ripping at the seams because of one night, because of one thing he won't do (marry me), and because of one other man. Well, technically two men if I count the guy who hurt me.

If I were to solve this problem like I've solved pretty much every other problem in my life, I would make a pros and cons list. However, I've made one before. And I know my answer. I know the man the pros and cons list has pointed me to, and it's not the person I thought it would be, and it only made me more confused. 

At the time I made it three years ago, it scared me. Now, it's making more sense, but even though the pros and cons list points me in a certain direction, I still have to make difficult choices to do that choice. 

The action after the list is the most terrifying part. Because of either choice I make, I'm losing someone who was once important to me. That still is important to me. 

Eventually though, I'm going to have to choose. This isn't my "why choose" era, it's my "be with the guy who won't marry you or risk it all for a man you don't even know loves you" era. I would be launching myself into the unknown for either of them.

It's like jumping off a cliff. Because I don't know where I'm going to land, and I don't know if my parachute is going to work. Or if I even have a parachute.

Anyway, I also have to focus on more than my love life now. I'm also fucking reeling from what happened to me. It feels more real than it did yesterday, but I don't know what to do. I'm grateful that he can't hurt anyone anymore, and that I don't have to testify or do anything because the man is dead, but it would give me something to do. 

It would give me something to feel. Maybe I would feel more rage that he's not brought to justice or I would feel fear that he's going to find me again. Right now, I don't feel anything.