JayDick Oneshots

💚 Shower Me With Words Made Of Knives

Summary: Roy had died a year and a half ago. And yes, Dick knew Jason was not 'over it', was never going to be, and shit, Dick was still mourning the death of one of his oldest friends too. But when he and Jason had fallen into each other's paths and decided to try to make something of it, Dick hadn't thought Jason would make him feel like he just wished he could be Roy instead every fucking time Jason looked at him. [736 words]

Note: Title and inspiration from 'Cold Shoulder' by Adele.

CW: hurt no comfort

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When Roy had died, he'd left a gaping hole in the world. Ragged and bleeding and yawning open so impossibly empty.

Dick's grief was all the worse because he was certain Roy would never have suspected that. He'd never seemed to get how loved he was by so many people, even if they'd drifted more distant like many of the original Titans, or if their relationships were fraught like Ollie or Cheshire — so many people cared about him and it fucking hurt.

Dick had the closest view of Jason's collapse, though.

He had been in love with Roy, that much was painfully obvious, and for someone who did not trust or let people close easily, it was especially hard to let go. If it had just been fucking from time to time to let off steam like so many of Jason's other past relationships, he probably would have made it out the other side, but Roy was his best friend too, and Jason clung to the few things he considered truly his painfully tightly. He clung with the desperation of a child certain their security blanket may be ripped away at any moment. And now it had been, and it seemed he just didn't know how to cope.

Dick had tried his best to help — had found it so much easier to focus on trying to help someone else through their grief than focusing on his own — but he often felt like Jason's grief was a treadmill and he was just running in place, that any attempt to actually move forward was futile. They had found some consolation in each other, and the desperate fucking of two people eager to do anything to get their minds off of the black cloud weighing on their minds had slowly morphed into something deeper. Dick saw it though. He wasn't what Jason really wanted.

It had been over a year and a half now, and of course he didn't expect Jason to just 'get over it', but he wasn't sure Jason was trying to move on with life at all.

Dick had fallen helplessly, deeply in love with him, but when he could bear to be honest with himself, he knew Jason didn't want him at all; he was just a stopgap to clumsily try to fill the hole Roy left. 

Jason wanted Roy back, his best friend and lover and the only thing that could make him whole again, and Dick was just a reminder that he wasn't and was never going to be. And it hurt. It hurt to be thought of that way, and it also just really hurt to feel the pain radiating off of Jason, and every time Jason looked at him, Dick couldn't help feeling like Jason was just wishing he was Roy instead. And Dick had started to wish it too. He just wanted to help, to be what Jason needed, to be able to actually soothe him, but instead Jason rebuffed any attempts — sometimes lashing out cruelly in the process — because Dick just wasn't him. And there was nothing either of them could do to change it.

¤

Barbara sat with her hands around the rapidly cooling cup on coffee in her hands and listened to Dick pour his heart out in her living room about his fucked up relationship woes.

"Look, I get that he's grieving," she said, once he had word-vomited out the whole situation, "but so are you, and that doesn't mean he gets to treat you like shit." 

Dick looked away. "He just… He gets upset and says things he doesn't really mean." 

"You don't know that," Barbara said flatly. "And even if that is the case, that doesn't make it okay." 

Dick shook his head slightly. "I love him, I wanna be there for him. He's hurting." 

"Yeah, but you don't need to be there for him like this. Not at your own expense." 

Dick just carefully set his coffee down and got to his feet. "Thanks for the coffee, Babs." 

She sighed as she watched him leave, apparently set on staying the course regardless of his own pain. Shit just...sucked sometimes. Just royally sucked. And there wasn't always anything she could do about it, and that sucked ass even more.

She closed her eyes briefly and then wheeled over to her computer. Back to work. The world never stopped, even for personal worlds falling apart.