JayDick Oneshots

❌ The Innumerable Flaws Of One Richard John Grayson

Summary: Dick is too perfect, and Jay, for one, has had enough. It is intolerable. [2,425 words]

Note: This is crack treated seriously.

Inspired by a Tumblr thread that goes:

@heyfunnie: why is bob short for robert
@chinchillaghosts: how does one get 'billy' out of 'william'?
@wivernryder: How in the hell do you get "Dick" from "Richard"?
@chinchillaghosts: you ask him nicely

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The complete version of this fic is only available on Archive Of Our Own (for more info on why, please see the Table Of Contents). A link to the fic is provided at the bottom of the chapter, under External Link. If you are not on desktop, please see the link to my AO3 in my bio, or the JayDick Oneshots masterpost on my profile (under the 'Conversations' tab. Scroll to 29 March, 2023) for the direct links to the fics.

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A short preview:
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"Tim," Jason snapped, stalking across the Batcave, which was empty except for the two of them.

Tim whirled around in the computer chair. "Oh no, what did I do?"

"Nothing except be in the wrong place at the wrong time. Congratulations you've won a front row seat to my latest rant. I have a problem."

Tim let out an incredulous laugh. "What?"

"Do you think I'm joking? I assure you I'm not, I wish I was — no I came here with the full intent, the need, to scream my fucking frustrations at whatever unlucky motherfucker was here. Unless it was Dick, in which case I might have actually had to fucking fight him."

"Wait why are you gonna fight Dick?"

"Because I hate him," Jason yelled melodramatically.

"What did he do?"

"He's just the worst. Like, like, like," Jason stuttered. "Like his stupid pretty face!"

Tim blinked. "His pretty face," he repeated slowly.

"Yes! It's too pretty, did you ever think about that? There's something wrong there. It's like a predator that uses its looks to lure in prey, and then bam, eaten!"

"Maybe he'll unhinge his jaw like a snake and eat you if you're not careful," Tim said dryly.

Jason frowned. "Not funny, this is a serious problem, Tim."

"I'm not seeing a problem so far, just your unhinged ranting and that you're apparently preoccupied with how pretty Dick is — which, I'm not gonna unpack that."

"It's an objective fact, Tim. And it's, frankly, ridiculous and I hate it. He has no right! Who gave him the right? And that's just the beginning of the problem, I haven't even gotten into it yet, when I said he was stupid I meant it."

"Oh? Do tell."

"We were fucking working a case together, and he has the nerve to say 'I'm glad we can be friends now'. Like hello, I don't wanna be your friend, I wanna kiss you, you fucking idiot!" 

Tim's eyes went comically wide as he continued to witness Jason's breakdown.

Jason was reduced to spastic hand flaps and undignified noises. "He's so stupid, I hate him, why is he so perfect? And yes I will stab you if you repeat that but I just don't understand, make it make sense! Could he stop at least looking like that all the goddamn time?! It's intolerable, how is anybody supposed to get anything done? I keep accidentally looking at him and then my brain just goes absolutely fucking empty and I look like a fucking idiot, which I'm not, it's just his stupid, evil, pretty face. It's so stupid, he's so stupid, everything about him is so stupid. Even his name is stupid — how the fuck do you get 'Dick' from 'Richard'?"

"You could ask him nicely," a suspiciously, infuriatingly perfect voice came from behind Jason. "For you, I'm sure he'd be more than willing."

Jason's heart stopped beating for a second, and his face did something apparently very entertaining, judging from Tim's expression. And then Jason's brain caught up with what Dick had said and he flushed a brilliant tomato red.

He slowly turned his head toward Dick. "Di-Did you just..."

Dick winked at him, grinning. "That was quite the rant."

"You, uh, weren't supposed to hear that."

"Oh, but I did." Dick took a deliberate step forward, and Jason instinctively twisted his body around to face him so he could take a step back. Dick took another step forward.

"Uh, I, uh, didn't mean it," Jason blurted out.

"You sure?" Dick backed him up against the desk, leaning forward over him as Jason leaned back and planting a hand on the desk on either side of his waist, caging him in. "Sounded pretty earnest when you were saying all that." He leaned in until he was barely an inch away from Jason's face. "Sure you don't want to find out if I'm as...'insufferably perfect' at kissing as I am at everything else, apparently?"

Jason took a deep breath, closed his eyes, and leaned up, closing the distance between them. Their mouths pressed together just briefly, and then again, longer, and Jason's hand moved up to curl in Dick's hair from where it had been clenched around the edge of the desk, drawing him closer as his mouth opened against Dick's and Dick's opened in kind.

"What the fuck?" Came a voice from the stairs at the same time Tim started to say, "Are you guys serious? I'm still right fucking here."

Dick and Jason reluctantly pulled apart, both looking up the stairs at where Duke was standing.

"Can I help you with something?" Dick asked.

"What the fuck?" Duke repeated.

"This is new," Tim said to Duke. "Like just now new. It was super dramatic. Little creepy. Very unexpected."

Jason rolled his eyes at Tim. "Shut up you little traitor. You didn't say shit about him being behind me."

"Oh and you're mad about that? Look where it got you." Tim gestured at the two of them. "You should be thanking me."

Jason pursed his lips. "Whatever." 

Dick grinned and gave him another peck on the lips.

"Hey, hey, don't start that shit again," Tim protested. "Wait until you're alone at least."

"That's an excellent idea," Dick said, straightening up and sliding his hands up over Jason's waist, pulling him up with him. "Alone. Jay does have something he needs to ask me nicely."

"I do?" Jason asked, a bit dazed. And then, "Oh, right, fuck yeah."

"Ugh, no," Tim said emphatically. "Gross."

Dick laughed and took Jason's hand, turning and pulling him across the Batcave toward their motorcycles.

"Do I wanna know?" Duke asked.

"You don't." Tim said firmly.

[...]