I Let Myself Want You

21 ● Jesper ● 1.01.2023

That's all I said, and I didn't even wait for his response before I hung up. I was already at the hospital, I had other priorities. I took the stairs, running like hell to the operating room area, taking off my jacket, my watch, basically everything on my way there. I quickly grabbed some scrubs from the scrub room and started scrubbing my hands like a mad man.

At the other side of the glass, I could see that doctor Barnes was already in the operating room, along with two residents and a bunch of nurses. I was glad that I came here before Minseok was brought in, but then again, what took the paramedics so long to bring him here? Every fucking minute counted right now.

Right when the nurse was helping me dress, the patient came into the room and the mess began. They sedated him in a second and we started working right away. Not soon after opening him up, I couldn't see shit. For some reason, there was blood everywhere. Fucking everywhere. He was bleeding internally, literally fucking everywhere. I didn't understand what was happening and I didn't even notice that halfway through surgery I started crying. Only when I saw a single tear land on my hand, I realized.

"Someone wipe his fucking eyes! He can't work like that!" I heard doctor Barnes scream in anger. So he noticed as well. I must have looked pathetic. Here I was, operating on a man that has been like a father to me, crying in front of his open chest like a fucking baby. But in spite of that, I was as focused as ever. I needed to fix him, there was no other option. We had no idea what was happening, but I needed him to be fine. "Damn it, he's coding!" He shouted and started massaging the heart.

Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. What else was there? What could we do? What could I do? There was too much blood. Too much fucking blood. I've been a surgeon for how many years? I've never seen that much blood. It wasn't just his heart, it was fucking everything. The blood just kept coming and coming, from everywhere.

I heard doctor Barnes tell me to take over the massage, while he was trying to control the bleeding. I massaged this heart like my own fucking life depended on it. I couldn't stop. I couldn't let him die. There was no fucking way he was dying today, I wouldn't let him. For fuck's sake, Minseok, fight a little.

I was so focused on massaging the heart, that I didn't hear people calling me. It's like I was in a different world, I didn't know what was happening around me. "Doctor Harris, he's been down for more than eight minutes now," I heard some nurse say. I looked around the room and noticed that I was the only person who was touching the patient right now. Everyone was silent. All I heard were the machines, which signaled the lack of life in the patient. No. No way.

"Doctor Harris, stop," doctor Barnes said with a quiet voice, looking at me with annoyed eyes. I didn't want to listen to him. How could I stop? If I stopped, then it meant- "Step away from the patient!" He spoke again, basically shouting at me right now. I looked up at him and noticed his angry expression. I froze. I was still holding the heart, I didn't want to let go. So he did it for me. He grabbed my hand and yanked it away, and then, he looked me straight in the eye, saying, "call it, Harris," before he left the operating room.

Call it. Call it? Me? Why me? Fucking hell. I took a deep steadying breath, trying to calm down, trying to stop crying, and when I did, I looked up, and then I saw him. Yohan. He was standing in the gallery, as close to the glass as it was humanly possible. He was looking straight at me, crying. I may have seen him cry a couple of times in my life, but I've never seen him like that. He looked broken.

DAMN IT. "You have to call it, doctor Harris," some nurse spoke. Please. Please. Don't make me. Don't fucking make me call it, not me, not in front of him. "You know the rules, doctor, you have to call it," some other nurse spoke, with a voice more serious. Fuck you all.

I was still looking up, looking at Yohan, crying even more now. I was so powerless, I wanted to sit on the floor and cry, I was so fucking mad and powerless, I literally wanted to die right this second. And of course I fucking knew the rules, a doctor had to call it, and after doctor Barnes left, I was the only one who could do that. Fuck you all.

Still looking at Yohan, I only glanced at the clock for a second to see the time, and averted my gaze right back at him. "T-time of death," I spoke with a hoarse voice, which was tired of crying. "Time of death, twelve forty-six," I said, trying to stay calm, and as soon as I said those words out loud, I ran upstairs, ran to that gallery, hoping that he was still there, that he didn't move. On my way there I took off the surgical gown that was all soaked in blood and threw it away somewhere, not caring where it landed, I simply needed it off me, I needed this blood off of me.

As soon as I saw Yohan right in front of me, I lunged forward and went in for a tight, desperate hug. We were clinging to one another for dear life, holding each other so tightly as if to see if the other was real. We were both broken, shaken up, powerless. "I'm so fucking s-sorry Yohan-ah, I-I'm sor-ry I couldn't s-save him," I spoke, barely getting the words out of my mouth, because of all the tears I was choking on. "I-I'm sorry, I'm so, so s-sorry. I'm sorry," I chanted over and over again, not knowing what else to say. It was my fault after all. I couldn't help him. I should have been here sooner, I should have done something to prevent this, damn it.

Maybe if I didn't go on that stupid date, I would have known sooner that something was wrong with Minseok, maybe I could have helped him. I should have accepted their invitation for New Years, I should have been there, I should have fucking helped. I was so angry at myself right now, all I wanted to do was go outside and scream my lungs out. I would never forgive myself for this, I would never forgive myself for screwing this. He died because of me, because I couldn't help him, because I wasn't a good enough doctor to figure out what was wrong with him, because I was a fucking mess and I couldn't stop crying over his open body. Damn it.

I hated myself for what happened, that I failed Minseok, that I failed Yohan, failed myself. And Jisoo. Damn it, Jisoo. We'd have to tell her about it, and she will kill me when she hears that I didn't call her. She would probably save him. Even though she was younger and less experienced, I was sure she was better than me. Fucking hell, I should have called her.