the meaning behind the leaves

article; ʟᴏᴠᴇ

LOVE?

I keep thinking about it and it makes me question it even more. I haven't loved anyone for a long time. You know it's like you spill all your love on someone who wasn't the right one and ground soaked it so it simply disappeared. I don't know if I'm still full of love.
I am tired of being alone, so fucking tired. I feel jealous and it's just unfair. I wanna have someone who will love me too. No one ever did. I wanna be special to someone. I want someone to be with. is it too much to ask? But you can't say that around people because you will sound selfish right? It's not their fault you are single but they also tell you that it's not your fault either, then who fault is it? Seeing all these couples and questioning yourself why not me but you can't say a thing because you will sound selfish, again. You just smile through the pain because you know they can't do shit about it.
We all know about that "right one" person, but who the fuck am I to wait for some Prince? I just want to feel normal but am I? And still, can I love someone again?
I want to but no matter how much I push myself to it, the more I can't feel it. Do I have still love inside me or it's just the feeling of automatic action I am thinking about just like breathing. And the more I keep breathing the more I will ignore it?
Because I think love is a feeling that never has one particular perspective. It's more flexible than it might seem to be. Because I loved and the love I gave was never the same but that doesn't mean it wasn't love. So because love has many forms it's even harder to be sure of it.
I don't feel the butterflies in my stomach or some fast beating all over my body and not even the inside feeling when everything seems better. don't I feel love anymore?

update: i want to be loved.