the best of me ⎪eren jaeger

❁chapter forty-one - stay there

Dear stranger,

Now that I know who you are, I should write your name. However, I feel that, if I keep referring to you as a "stranger", that essence from a few years ago and that, unfortunately, is still here. is not lost.

It's been days since I know all the truth. To be honest, I'm still trying to understand what happened. I think my head won't let me do it because, no matter how much I try, I still don't get why you would do something like this.

You know, for some months you made me the happiest girl in the world. If someone had offered me to travel to an incredibly beautiful place in the world, I would stay here if that meant I could talk with you for hours about anything.

I used to believe that an invisible string was tying you to me. I guess it's true, because we reconnected years after you disappeared, just like that, from Marley. But you came here just to cut that string, to cut me from your life. After all of what happened and what I felt.

My memories of you are now withered by the lies I've been living in for years, and the lies I've fallen in love with in these three months. Now, everything around me is a reminder of what could have been if I hadn't been that kind of person a few years ago.

A person like me, who since she was little has been influenced by the opinions of others, finds it difficult to know who she is on her own. Now that I lost everyone I love, I don't know who I am. There's a big part of me that I shared with you, and it's been completely trampled on while you walked away.

I was so fascinated by you and the way that you used to treat me that I'm still in shock. Is it that all the times that I cried on your shoulder, that we talked for hours that I couldn't remember anything, did they not help you to tell me absolutely nothing?

I think that what hurts me the most is that I could hurt you so much that you'd do all of this. It saddens me to know that what I did had affected you so much to hide who you were for so long, and to act this way during these months in order to take revenge.

Now I don't know what to do during the day. I look at the window watching the hours pass and wondering what you're doing, because I still care about you and I wished you could be here. Nevertheless, I don't think I'd forgive you in case you came back, because the pain you caused me would never be forgotten.

I could never forgive you because you took away from me what I desired the most: my memories from the past and the love I had in my present. Now tell me, if those things are missing, how can I be someone in the future?

You did it, you accepted that I couldn't remember you and now I'll have to accept that I won't forget you and what you did in my whole life. And I know that I will always ask myself if it wouldn't have been easier to talk, instead of all this.

You brought out the best of me, but you took it with you the moment you walked through the apartment door. I can't help but ask myself: Would I do it again if I knew what would happen?

-y/n

You stopped writing and looked at that piece of paper. It felt so much better now.

Well, better was not the best way to describe that feeling, but at least you were calmer. What you had written was something that had been inside of you and that made you feel sick, like an illness.

You sat on the balcony. It was dark outside, but you could still see the how the moonlight illuminated the red and white roses. You got up and took the planter out of there. You went back into the apartment and threw it away. If you were outside was just to be calm, something that you couldn't be if you kept looking at those flowers.