IT'S YOU

Kim Hongjoong

Today was extremely long. I don't know what compelled dad to put me back into a public school again but he did. I was doing fine with Home school up until now. I hated every single moment of it, that's why I didn't bother dressing up like I usually do and my sister is still pissed off at me about it. My sister and brother enjoyed school because unlike me, they were social butterflies but I didn't. I prefer being on my own, in my own space and doing my own thing. I received so many dirty looks and for what? Wooyoung is my older brother,( yeah, yeah, I made him older) he also told me about the looks and gossips he had heard and seen regarding me. I even got threatened today as well but what else can be new? That's always happened wherever I went and it's all thanks to the person who made me like this.

I sat at my desk to finish all my homeworks before I can take a long shower and continue with my long awaited nap.

"Joong, I heard you and seonghwa are in the same class. Did you maybe see the ho- the guy who was with him today?", wooyoung hyeong asked as he sat on my bed. "San hyeong?", I whispered. He screamed and ran to take the seat right next to me. "Spill.", he demanded. I shook my head. "What's he like? What does he smell like? What-" "woo, let him finish his homework before you bombard him with questions and please lower your voice, you know he's sound sensitive.", dad said from the door. "Oops, sorry dad!", he giggled. Yep, he's not wrong about that. I have a fear of loud sounds ever since- it's a long story for another day. "Okay, let's talk after dinner, little brother.", he ruffled my hair on his way out. I fixed it. Oh how I hated it when he does that. I got on with the loads of homework I got that by the time I finished,  there were two hours left until dinner.

After taking my 20 minute long shower, I went on to my laptop and finished saving my notes before I forget that. One thing I hated was dinner, the person I couldn't stand was going to be there. I got dressed into my most comfortable sleep clothes and thats my favourite baggy sleep shirt with shorts underneath it. I tied my black and white hair up and left the extra scrunchie on my wrist. I took a deep breath as I left my room to go downstairs. It was deadly quiet as usual. Please let me be able to finish dinner this time, I silently prayed

"Fucking finally! I know your sissy ass can't help it but move it! I can't sit around here all night just for you.", a woman's loud voice pierced the air. I flinched, keeping my head down as I sat next to my sister who held my hand into hers. "it's okay, Joong, I'm here", she whispered. I gripped her hand tighter but careful enough not to hurt her even though she's so much stronger than me. "Why are you dressed like that?" The woman demanded. "Leave him alone, he can dress as he wants", hyeong snapped. "No, boys don't dress like this, he looks like a slut", she shrieked. Right on point. Don't worry, it's not the first or the worst I've heard her call me and this is just the beginning. "There's no rule on how they should dress and half of it is your fault to begin with.", dad pointed out. Another point. 3é5Can you just go, your ruining my appetite.", my sister said. The woman gasped. "Kiara, you will not talk to me that way! I am your mother and you all will listen to me.", my sister scoffed, letting out a very dry laugh. "You don't have any right to call yourself our mother after what you did to him!", she pointed to me. I gulped silently as those same images I've been trying so hard to forget kept popping up in front of me. "Nuna,I-please.", I stuttered, pulling her back down on her chair. Her look softened when she saw me trying so hard not to cry. "Wooyoung, show your mom out.", dad said, gripping his chop sticks very tightly that his knuckles had turned white.

"Baby, I'm sorry. It's my fault. I couldn't even stop her from seeing any of you. You just keep getting hurt." Dad mumbled as he hugged me. I cried and boy did it hurt! My siblings tried to comfort me but that made me cry even more. Dad picked me up and placed me on his lap like he used to when I was younger. You're probably wondering why a 16 year old boy like me would cry over something as little as this. It's actually deeper than what it seems and my family or what's left of my family is what is keeping me going. Dad keeps telling me that it's not my fault but I know it is, it's always been.

I woke up in the middle of the night and found myself on my bed again. Seems like dad's lullaby still works after all these years. I had a nightmare again, well it's not actually a nightmare because this happened before but it's scary. I know there's no going back to sleep from here on, so I might as well get up and carry on with my notes. They are the only thing that gives me comfort when my family isn't around me. I smiled to myself at the finished work. I placed my headphones and listened to it, feeling extremely satisfied with all of it and how long it took me to finish writing and composing it. I looked at the time on my watch and realised it was time to get ready for school. I really don't want to go but I can't disappoint dad.

"Joong, here are your new clothes. I'm leaving them on your bed. You better wear them, bud. I want the entire school to know that you are not to be messed with.", she declared and I laugh at myself picturing her throwing her fist into the air. That's totally what my sister would do, actually. I know she means well but I was scared, scared of judgement, scared of the past repeating itself for the third time, scared that I wouldn't be accepted because I was gay.

"You are not dressing For them bub, be you and only you.", she exclaimed excitedly. I nodded, knowing very well she can't see me. There's definitely no getting out of this and that's exactly what I did. I dressed to kill as she wanted me to. I hope I don't live to regret this.

Kiara had chosen a super hot outfit for me to wear because she doesn't do basic as she always puts it. She had chosen black high waist skinny jeans that fit me well, a red long sleeved crop top that has a black and white tiger on it, a crop leather jacket. I toped it off with a navy blue baret and black and white Converse sneakers.

It really looked cute but once again, I was scared. Dressing at home and dressing for school were two different things. At home I felt save and confident but school? Nuh uh! "Woo, is going to do your make up today.", I froze for a moment. Nuna laughed it out. "Don't worry bub, we agreed on light make up for you. I know you don't like make up that much so it'll look natural.", I nodded slowly, not trusting myself to say something that doesn't sound too catty. Nuna dragged me to hyeongs room. He was dressed even cuter and Hotter than I was. Hyeong loves expressing himself with fashion. Most of his clothes were bought online. He wore a dusty pink mini skirt with a white tank top tucked into the skirt, knee high boots that matched his hair, black, a neon pink chocker on with a jean jacket and he rocked that look. "Come on in, this will be quick, I promise you.", he smiled and it was. He did it in a way that it doesn't even look like he put any in the first place. "All done!", he beamed, kissing my cheek. Both my siblings love babying me.