Sparks Will Fly

Nolia's blog post #2

Between the years of 2013-2019

10 years have passed since college.

4 years have passed since then.

Time stands still for no one.

These feelings I apparently have do though.

10 years have passed and my feelings haven't.

Power Trip

Well, this has to be the longest crush ever- J.Cole

When I was in college– undergrad at that same and incredibly small catholic college, I kept my head in the books because those classes were incredibly tough but you know what was much harder than those classes? Falling in lust or was it love– hell I don't know... with a guy I never even dated. The crush I had on Cody was real– so real in fact that I felt it deep in my chest and simmering through my bones like a constant bolt of electricity. And believe me, this man was nowhere near perfect. He was moody, a bit anxious, seemed stressed and tired all the time— but you know what I grew to love about him during that time? It was how supportive he was of his friends and how he made jokes, was silly making dances, how he was just of a big J.Cole fan as I was, how he passionately loved and cared for his niece, and how he played ball on that court--as if it was an extension of his mere existence.

Throughout my time at that school, I had a multitude of incidents with Cody that were either significant to my heart– show me that something incredibly special was brewing between us or I was operating out of straight delusion without even knowing it. Either way, those incidents– moments with him left such an imprint on my heart that it affected the way I moved into my present life. After leaving that college and attending a new one– Cody and I remained in contact through social media: Instagram, Facebook, Snapchat... but it felt different— unaligned and out of sync, if that makes sense.

It was like every single time he was single, I wasn't– and every time I was single— he wasn't. After graduating college, the three guys I dated before meeting my husband. Shit, I mean ex-husband... never lasted and after each relationship ending– I was left not thinking about them. Instead I thought about Cody– I felt subtle pangs of craving to crawl back into the past to be a bolder woman and actually tell him how I feel– felt in hopes of rewriting my apparent reality of experiencing unnecessary heartache. And to make matter worse, when I was engaged to my now ex-husband, 2 years ago– an old college friend of mine contacted me and shared that Cody asked about me and she just told me that she told him that I was engaged, and when I found that out– I could do nothing but sulk in the memories of him walking me to my car one summer night after I took a summer test prep class; when he borrowed his friend's car to meet me at the nearest Shell gas station to put air in my truck's tire after he was up for hours cleaning rooms across the campus, moments of him, his friends, my roommate and I sitting at the table in the West Hall dorm lounge talking shit and watching movies, going with my roommate to visit the guys basketball practices and being only there to see Cody;  bumping into him on my way to classes, having his presence around me radiate a heightened level of physical and emotional safety where I felt as if no-one could fuck with me long as he was around, having him and his friend come into my dorm room to fix the bunk beds and watching him guzzle down a bottle of water due to nerves and then suddenly getting comfortable and randomly singing "Be Without You" by Mary J. Blige at the top of his lungs causing me to laugh and shift into the fact that the crevices of his existence was seemingly worth being around; attending his basketball games swelling with immense pride that the man I was slowly falling in love with was just existing– doing all the things that made him– him and his future brighter.

Yet aside from my feelings growing– reality continued to set in where I realized slowly but surely that I was the only one apparently facing those feelings head on, and suddenly I felt a tad bit delusional and alone in that space. The encounters of seeing Cody and me being nervous whenever I saw him in the dining hall, library, the gym or my dorm hall– and feeling an immense combustion of emotions, when I would scroll on social media and see that he was in relationships with women on campus at different times that were seemingly insecure by my presence because the looks of disgust I got from them were always unnecessary. However at that time, I was young, naive and I stupidly considered their looks of disgust to be a flex until I reflected on the fact that I had no idea what I was flexing because in no way, shape, form of fashion did that man make advances toward me. Hell, it wasn't even when I saw him last back in the year of 2019, when I went to a mutual friend from my college wedding ceremony at a ranch in some  neighboring midwestern state, I can't quite remember the state where the wedding was held.

The whole day before heading out to the wedding and hours leading up to the wedding ceremony I was a ball of nerves because I knew that I was going to see him. At that time, he was in a relationship and I was single. Hell, in that head space– I didn't even care that he was in a relationship, I just wanted to know if my feelings for him were still evident and sure enough– when I was him in that tux as a groomsmen, my heart swelled with such an ache because I couldn't fathom the thought of not telling him how I felt because the way I felt the blood from my heart pumping in my ears, I wanted to cry right then and there. I wanted to curl up into myself and think clearly and rationalize my feelings– but I couldn't. My soul still ached for his presence because just knowing he existed wasn't enough for me. I wanted to know him— truly know him not just through the actions he's displayed throughout our encounters but I wanted to just know him in depth. I wanted to experience his presence for a lifetime because I just knew deep down in my gut– with him, I'd always be full but unfortunately in this life– nothing goes as planned.

After leaving that wedding, Cody and I took a picture together, spoke briefly but he was more focused on partying, enjoying the wedding and blowing off some steam. I wasn't on his mind– and moving forward from that after everything put the final nail in the coffin– after that I had to move on, and that's when I met Kevin. We dated for a couple years before getting married and throughout the time of us dating, I vividly remember laying on Kevin's chest watching a movie and aimlessly scrolling through Instagram, when I saw a picture of Cody and a woman announcing that he was married.  I remember jumping off of Kevin with my phone clutched to my chest, running into the bathroom, locking the door behind me and being in such bewilderment. The small bubble of hope I had for one-day reconnecting with Cody, when the time was right– popped and Lord, did it hurt.

To experience a heartache that felt dumb as hell to have but I honestly don't know how else to quite describe it. I felt defeated and punished– I felt a sudden pang of anger as I mentally analyzed myself worth, questioning why I wasn't good enough, pretty enough, woman enough for him to choose me, run after me, approach me– shit—- love me as desperately as I wanted the chance to love him, because with that kind of man, I would've never taken him for granted. You don't get to experience an imperfect man whose presence brought you to a place of safety– mirroring the feeling of home all the time and despite the many men I've dated– none of them have ever made me feel home, the way he does... did.

And shit, maybe Kevin knew that– I don't' know... all I know is that after Cody got married, I literally said fuck it and focused more– way more on Kevin, which then lead me and Kevin to get married, and have a beautiful baby girl that we named Solie- Monet, who's my greatest blessing. If me and Kevin didn't do anything else right, making Solie was the best we've ever done– which makes ample sense– since a year after Solie was born– I found out that Kevin was cheating on me with his best-friend Sabrina, and that she's now expecting their baby. Talk about a shitload of drama.

So now... I'm basically divorced, and well– a single mother. Thank goodness for having a stable career as a professional writer– otherwise I would have to go back into the classroom and Lord knows in this season of time– I just want to work from home and take care of my baby. Which brings me now to this point in my life where I feel all things that I just don't want to feel anymore. Stemming from my stupid ass ex-husband and well---Cody. Both of them brought unexpected aches, Kevin gave me an ache from loving him and Cody gave me an ache from longing to love him.