Lacing the Lost Stars

Thirty Six

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Aviana

This chapter contains sensitive/ triggering themes

Tears welled in my eyes before I managed to reach my room, I could feel myself breaking down as the seconds went on.

Slamming the door shut behind me, I reached for my phone from inside my bag which I carelessly tossed to the side of my bed.

His name was saved at the top of my contacts list, holding the phone up to my ear I exhaled deeply hoping to slow my heart rate.

'The person you are calling is on another line, please try again later.'

Shit.

Sucking my bottom lip, I tried calling again.

'Please leave a voicemail after the tone.'

My breathing was unsteady as the phone shook slightly in my hand, I felt myself becoming weaker in the knees and my chest rose heavily as I forced a breath.

Yet no words could leave my lips, I switched the phone off without leaving a message.

He was clearly busy.

I couldn't call Blair since she had just arrived home and I didn't want to disturb her.

I slowly slid down the wall of my door, not even managing to make it to my bed as my body gave up on me again. I hadn't had a panic attack in my own house in years, it seemed as though time was moving backwards and every time I thought I had my life back in my hands it always seemed to slip away before I could savour it.

Closing my eyes, I squeezed my knees bringing them up to my chest, the thought of my father downstairs at this very moment only aggravated my symptoms more.

I tried everything in my power to overcome my attack this time, without the medication or the help of others. I needed to self-heal myself, I needed to get up alone this time.

What gives you peace Aviana?

There was only one thing, one person who I associated peace with the most.

It was him.

His stupid but heart-fluttering smirk, his dark black hair which forever would get tangled around my fingers, and his reassuring voice and tone that would make me feel like nothing around me could have the potential to harm me when he was around.

God and his eyes, the eyes that looked at me like I was worth a million ocean diamonds which depleted any feelings of unworthiness I had stored inside of myself for years.

He saw me at my worst but still wanted to be around me, he made me feel normal which was what I so desperately craved growing up with anxiety that consistently made me feel less than.

Yet he wasn't here right now when I needed him, the thought of him alone was enough for me to earn serenity.

My chest had fallen and the tightening sensation had left, leaving my body relaxed.

I had overcome an attack without my meds or help from others for the first time in my life.

It was a bittersweet achievement, an achievement which didn't feel as deserving as I wanted it to, I used the ends of my sleeves to wipe my face and eyes.