Between the Heavens and the Embers

Chapter XIV

"I've been feeling extremely tired lately and the nightmares have been... I don't know, worse, lately. I know, somehow, that they're more vivid, more intense, but I still can't remember them and it's driving me crazy," Victoria confessed as her eyes remained fixed on her fidgeting hands, not daring to meet the eyes of her psychiatrist.

Dr. Duchaine leaned forward slightly, her expression gentle and encouraging. "Tell me what you remember about the nightmares, Victoria. Take your time."

"But that's the thing, I don't even know what to say," she said, finally looking at Dr. Duchaine. "I have these flashes of darkness, of voices, of ... pain. It's terrifying, but there's nothing else. I just want to sleep, but I'm scared of it at the same time. It doesn't make sense, does it?"

"Are you taking to your medication correctly?"

Victoria nodded, her expression reflecting a hint of guilt. "I mean, yes, for the most part. Sometimes I forget, though. But I try, really, I do."

"I see," Dr. Duchaine said, taking a note. "And what about the voice?"

"Uh, it's been pretty insistent. It's like a constant presence. A whisper that I can't escape."

"What is it saying?"

"It wants me to be friends with the people I told you about yesterday. The one's from Paris. I take a pill whenever I hear it, but... It's giving me a lot of anxiety. It's just too much."

"It's completely understandable given the circumstances."

A heavy silence hung in the air, filled only by the distant sound of traffic outside the window. After a couple of minutes, Victoria whispered; "Something feels off."

Dr. Duchaine's brows lifted slightly in interest, inviting Victoria to elaborate. "What do you mean?"

"It's hard to put into words," Victoria admitted, her grip on her shirt tightening. "Something's bothering me, but I can't say what exactly."

"Is it possible that this unease is connected not only to the voice and the nightmares but also to your conflicting emotions about Lila's friends, as you told me yesterday?"

"Maybe. It's complicated. I don't know about Alya and Nino, but Adrien... I don't trust him. I know he hasn't been kind to Lila in the past. And yet...," she trailed off, lost in her thoughts.

"And yet what?" Dr. Duchaine prompted her.

"I can't help but be attracted to him," Victoria finally admitted, her voice trembling. "I haven't said it out loud. Gosh, I feel so guilty about it. It's not fair to Lila, even less to Dylan. I don't want to feel this way toward him, but my mind and my body are on two completely different pages. I just want to be a good friend to Lila, a good girlfriend to Dylan, and... I want to be true to myself. I'm a horrible person, aren't I?"

"We already went through this, Victoria. You are not a horrible person. To me, it sounds like you're grappling with loyalty, attraction, and a sense of moral conflict," Duchaine observed. "These are complex feelings to navigate, but your feelings are completely valid."

"I don't know about valid, but they're overwhelming."

"Feeling overwhelmed is a natural response," Dr. Duchaine affirmed. "It's crucial to acknowledge your emotions. Also, it's important to recognize that experiencing attraction to others is a human trait and it doesn't make you a bad person. Besides, you haven't acted on it, which actually says a lot about your character. The voice, the nightmares—they're all feeding into your anxiety, making it challenging to process your thoughts and feelings. We need to find a way to help you cope."