Between the Heavens and the Embers

Chapter VII

"You've been awfully quiet today. What's on your mind?"

"I'm just tired," Victoria answered while following the couch's pattern with her finger.

"Is the new medication not working well?"

She simply shrugged. They were doing their job: putting her to sleep. Unfortunately, they just couldn't keep her asleep and it was taking its toll on her. Focusing was becoming harder and harder every single day. She didn't know what to do anymore. She just wanted it all to stop.

"Alright," Doctor Duchaine said while removing her glasses, "I know you, Victoria. What's really bothering you? Is it the voice or the nightmares?"

Victoria stayed silent for a moment before mumbling under her breath, almost hoping that her doctor didn't hear her. "Nightmares."

She was twenty-six years old, for Christ's sake! Nightmares shouldn't be her main preoccupation anymore, right? And yet, they controlled her whole damn life.

Unfortunately, Dr. Duchaine heard her perfectly fine, as usual. She had become quite good over the years at understanding whatever Victoria would mutter under her breath.

"The nightmares?" she repeated. "Same one as always?"

"I guess. I'm not sure."

I'm not sure since I never remember them, Victoria completed in her head.

"Why are they more of a disturbance than usual?"

"It's not really that they're worst, it's just ...," she stopped herself, trying to find the right words, in vain.

She didn't know how to explain this feeling. It was like the nightmares and the memories attached to them were so close, but just slightly out of her reach. And if she could just grab them, everything would suddenly make sense. She would remember who she was, or rather who she used to be. She would have memories of her brother and her parents, of her first years with Dylan. Instead, she always woke up with a brain fog, making it impossible for her to remember whatever her subconscious was desperately trying to tell her.

"Do you remember something?"

"Nothing more than usual."

"In the past, you've said that you could feel someone besides you."

Victoria hummed and nodded. "Yeah, briefly. I think I'm reaching out to them, but they're gone the next second. And then, there might be someone else, but I'm not so sure ...," she signed, passing a hand through her hair. "It's frustrating. The only thing I clearly remember is this excruciating pain, because I still kinda feel it when I wake up. It's not really there anymore, of course, but... It's kind of like a phantom pain, I guess? Can you say that even if you haven't lost a limb? Anyway, I don't know, it's weird. My body remembers what happened, but I don't. I hate it."

"It was a traumatic event, Victoria, and your mind is protecting you from it. You have witnessed the tragic death of people who clearly meant a lot to you. In this dream, you may see some kind of modified version of the accident. The first person might have been your little brother, who was sitting in the backseat with you. Him disappearing might represent the moment he died."

It made sense, but it didn't make Victoria feel better in the slightest.

"It's sad, isn't it? I mean, I must have loved them a lot. My parents, my brother... And yet, I don't feel anything except guilt. Because I should be grieving them. I should be devastated by their death, but I'm not." She paused before adding. "I'm probably the worst daughter in the world. They must be so disappointed."