Resurgence

20

We arrived back at home. I had already gone through my plans in my head, repeatedly. I wasn't going to live much longer at this point. My mother had bought me those gigantic pads, some heat packs, and a bottle of ibuprofen. I curled up in my bed, trying to ignore the horrible cramps in my belly. I had already soaked through a few pads earlier. As far as I knew, Brendan's corpse was a charred mess that Katya and Devin had requested not to see for the sake of their sanity.

I didn't want to see it either. I wanted my last memory of him to be that of him hugging me after I escaped Amadeus. I saw the picture of Brendan and I at the gala the Founder had held for me. I held it close to my chest, closing my eyes. Brendan. I missed him so much. I wished I would have been able to save him. Tears were falling down my cheeks again. Jackson and Heather were staying at his apartment next door. I waited for everyone to be asleep to get up. I was just in a t-shirt and sweatpants. I slowly turned the knob and walked out as quietly as possible.

I opened the door and walked out into the grass. It was dark and I could barely see but I kept going. I was walking towards the lake. There was only so much moonlight to illuminate my path. I walked to the shore and took a deep breath. I should have written a goodbye note. But that would make this so much worse. I step in. The water is cold but that doesn't matter. I continue going deeper and deeper. Finally I just went underwater. My nose is burning badly.

I try to claw up for air but I'm sinking. I close my eyes but then I feel something grab me by the underarms. I gasp for breath as my head makes it above water.

I slightly turn to see Jackson pulling me out.

"Let me die! Let me go!" I screech at him.

"No!" I'm trying to fight him off but he's got a strong grip.

"Erika!" He shouts as he throws me on the shore.

"I can't do this! I won't do this anymore!" I tried crawling back into the water when he grabbed me. I tie Strings on his neck.

"Let. Me. Go! Or I'll cut your fucking head off!" I scream.

"Erika, this won't do anything!" He shouted.

"I HAVE NOTHING!" I yell at him. "I DON'T HAVE A REASON TO LIVE."

"Erika. I get it. I really do." Jackson's voice softened.

"No, you don't!" I was past the point of reason. "You'll never understand!"

"Erika, I lost my mother, father and siblings, my title, my home all together. I've gotten backstabbed so much, I still can't trust people. I lost everything once too." He's being a lot more patient than I deserve at the moment. "I can't say that time will heal it. You just-" He sighs. "You'll learn to live with it. But it'll hurt a lot too."

I sighed. I was wet and shivering. I had bled through my pad and the water didn't help.

"I miss him, Jackson. It should have been me." I look down. "I should have died instead."

"Don't say that." Jackson kneels to my level. "He gave his life for you. That was true love."

"And our dead kid. I failed her." I start to tear up again. "I should have been more careful."

"It's not your fault. Things happen and we don't know why sometimes." Jackson offers his arms and I accept. I start to cry again. I see Heather, my parents, and my sisters running to the shore.

"What happened?" My mother ran to me.

"She took a midnight stroll and didn't see the lake." Jackson casually lied. Was he trying to protect me? My parents look at me.

"Is that true?" They asked. Seeing the sadness on their faces makes me regret my decision even more. I nodded, wiping my teary eyes.

"Let's get you inside and dry." Lydia offered her hand and I took it, getting up. As Heather and Jackson departed, I gave him a curt nod as thanks. He nodded back. I go back inside and take off my wet, muddy clothes. I jump in the shower and turn on lukewarm water. I just stand there, leaning against the wall and crying.

I still wanted to die, but maybe a little less. I owe Jackson one now. I wash off my hair and body and rinse off. I apply conditioner and I close my eyes. I think back on the sweet little moments between Brendan and I. Us showering together, cuddling in bed, our love making, and the times we went on dates between missions. Our vacation in Bonaire. I rinse off the conditioner and dry my hair with a dryer.

Feeling a tad bit better about myself, I put on a leave-in conditioner and a tiny drop of hair oil. I know Brendan's funeral is coming up so I have to find something for me to wear. I got dressed and went back to bed. I woke up back in the place where I had met my dead daughter.

"You don't give up, do you?" Huitzilopochtli was staring at me.

"No, I don't. I won't do it again." I closed my eyes. "I'm sorry."

"Good, I don't think you'd like to be in Tlaloc's realm. You are a daughter of the sun, after all."

"What does that mean?" I asked him. Funny how this whole conversation is in classical Nahuatl but I can understand it.

"Your ancestors and your grandfather, Ivan's father, were descendants of the first of us who settled Mexico. I was their patron and their ancestor." He spoke. "You are for war, flames, and sunlight."

"That makes sense." I responded, shrugging. "I wish Ivan had mentioned that. I only knew we were Yoreme."

He chuckles. "I must let you go. But I'll be watching."

And then I woke up, it was morning.