Four Page Letters (TeacherxStudent)

She's Gone, But She Used To Be Mine (Pt 2)

Rosalynn

I managed to make it through my first period but each minute was anxiety filled. I walked down to the teachers' lounge to refill my coffee but regretted it the moment I walked in the room. I had to briefly engage in meaningless formalities while trying to ignore the creepy glances from Mr. Durham and also ignoring the death glare from my next-door neighbor Mrs. Atkins. I know she doesn't like me; she never has. Honestly, I'm not very fond of her either. I think some older teachers just always feel a particular way about teachers whom students take a liking to. I've been many of students' favorite teacher and I think it's because I don't have to bitch at them to get them to follow my directions. And often times, they would rather pick up my class rather than theirs when we teach the same subject. But I can't help that. I still however throw my beautiful smile her way whenever we pass one another so there's that.

First days are usually a walk in the park for me. It consists of the usual getting to know new students, passing out the syllabus and then giving them the rest of the class period to themselves. I'm especially grateful for the latter today. I'm honestly in no mood to do anything beyond that. Although I'm feeling broken internally, I make sure to perk myself up for my students. They deserve to get the best of me and I can't let how I feel affect them. I checked on Charlotte a few minutes ago but she hadn't responded yet. I didn't want to keep bothering her, though. I wanted to give her space to finish whatever she needs to get done and also, I needed to get accustomed to not hearing from her for periods of time. But that's no easy feat for me.

I couldn't stop checking my phone after she had finally texted that she was on the way to the airport. I stood at my door welcoming in my next class but I couldn't stop fidgeting. There was a ball in the pit of my stomach and suddenly I felt so very nauseous watching the minutes get closer and closer to her plane's departure although she probably had about an hour or so. I was suddenly aware of the sweat beads forming at my head. The air surrounding me felt thick, sticky even. I closed my eyes and tried to concentrate on breathing like a normal person. I opened my eyes and realized students were dispersing quickly. I looked over my shoulder and all seats were filled. I exhaled deeply as I walked in the room, closing the door behind me.

"Good morning, everyone! Welcome to AP English Literature. I'm very excited to meet all of you and I look forward to seeing what great work you all produce this year." I grabbed the stack of syllabi off my table and began passing them around. "As an AP class I expect great things from each of you. I expect everyone to give 110 percent on all assignments. I very rarely offer extensions on due dates. I won't get behind on my work because you've failed to plan accordingly. However, my door is always open should you need extra assistance and you all are more than welcome to come in during a planning period if you need to get any work done and that's for any class you have. I want you all to succeed and I will do what I can to see that through." I handed out the last paper and walked back over to my desk. I leaned against it as I looked around the room. "Ohh goodness, for those of you that have never had the pleasure of seeing my beautiful face around, my name is Ms. Dandridge. Some students just call me Ms. D, whichever you prefer I don't mind." The voice in my head was telling me to look at the clock. I can't. I shouldn't. I need to focus. But I have to. I looked over at the clock. Fifty two minutes. "Uhm, let's see." I tried to get my brain to refocus but everything inside became jumbled. "I know this may seem tedious but it's first day tradition. As I don't know really any of you, I'd like to go around the room and have you all introduce yourselves and just tell me what you want to do in life. Career-wise of course. If you don't know that quite yet, well that's alright. We'll start here." I pointed to the young man sitting in the front row as I went and sat behind my desk.

As each student went around the room, my intrusive thoughts kicked into overdrive. I pulled out my phone to see if I had any more texts from her. I miss her so much. I feel sick to my stomach quite honestly. Literally matter of fact. I feel like I'm going to lose my guts at any given moment. I try my best to listen to my students but I just can't stop thinking about her. This is turning out to be much harder than I thought. I figured the time would pass quickly and before I knew it, she would be on the plane and in the air. But it's painfully obvious. The time is ticking away excruciatingly slowly. Almost taunting me. Can I really go on this way? I mean, can I really navigate throughout my days without her? After everything that's happened this summer.. everything that's happened in the last ten months really. How did I let myself get to this place of feeling so incomplete without her? How did I allow myself to become so enthralled by another person that I have almost no idea how to survive without them? I shouldn't have to, though. I shouldn't have to put myself through hell when all I have to do is .. be with her. Why do I need to pause my love? I don't want to do that. I know, I know its only a few months until her first break but that feels like a lifetime! I don't want to wake up every day without her. I don't want to be without her period.