Four Page Letters (TeacherxStudent)

Dear Charlotte

                                                Dear Charlotte

I should first start by apologizing. For what Im about to say and for how I know it will make you feel. But I've had time to think and I have to be completely honest with you. I'm sorry we wont be able to have dinner tonight. There is nothing I want more than to enjoy your company, however I have already crossed lines. And I do not wish to hit a point of no return.

For starters, I want you to know how I feel about you. I think you are incredibly beautiful. You have the most gorgeous gray eyes I have ever had the pleasure of seeing. The silkiest of blonde locs that I have often thought about running my hands through. I could spend all day telling you how smitten you have me. In a room full of a dozen or so students, I would only see you. You've always had my eye, Charlotte. And lately I've found myself confused.. conflicted. How can a seventeen year old girl give a woman my age butterflies? That sounds crazy, but its the honest truth. I've never felt an attraction to the same sex before you. You make me feel.. seen. You make me feel like I'm someone worth wanting. It's been so long since I've felt wanted. Your way with words have completely enchanted me and I often think of how I would never find anything more soothing. Its like you write with so much emotion I can almost see tears through your words. You're so passionate, and that's something that has attracted me to you.

I had been battling myself for a while now in regards to my feelings about you. You have such a mysterious aura that has drawn me to you since the very beginning. I have felt a need to break through your walls, get you to open up to me. Trust me. I could see you were battling many of demons but I had no idea.. I wanted to help you. I wanted to be someone you could come to for any and everything. I did not plan to fall for you in the process. Once I realized these feelings I had for you were only growing, I didnt know what to do. I knew the most ethical thing to do would be ignore them. Sit on my hands and just let this whole thing blow over. But it never did. There was a point where I had to mentally check myself, as I thought my feelings were one sided. I didn't even know if you felt anything for me. All I had to go on were assumptions from your writings. I would find myself hoping that what you wrote was in some way about me. That you saw me in that light, that I was your muse. Pathetic I know, but in such short time I just fell deeper and deeper.

I tried to tell my self to just go with it.. because I deserve to feel some sort of happiness for once in my life. I deserved to let someone genuinely feel for me. When we kissed last night, I heard fireworks from miles away. Sparks were flying around me and I melted in your embrace. Your soft lips against mine, everything just fit so perfectly. In a way that completely terrified me. When I left you last night I had the biggest smile on my face. The usual after an encounter with you. I was extremely happy you agreed to give me a second chance at the whole dinner thing. By now, I'm sure I'm all out of chances however. Anyways, I got home and tried to get some rest but I couldn't turn my brain off.

I started thinking about what I was getting myself into. We can't ignore the fact that you are my student. My seventeen year old student. That in itself should explain my mind frame. I could very well lose my job. I could get thrown in jail and my life would be over. And we would never be together. I know I have already played with fire. By kissing you, hell even having you in my car on multiple occasions. That's just the tip of the iceberg. On a personal level Charlotte something in me cannot help but feel like this may simply be a lust thing. There's no way you would actually want me. Im twenty nine years old. Twenty nine. Almost thirty. Twelve years older than you. Im old, out of touch. I just feel like I couldn't be what you need. What can I offer you? I want children. Im open to getting married again some day. I dont want to grow old and alone. And you're so young. You have so much of life to experience. And I cant just throw that onto you. Who wants to think about having kids and getting married when they're not even old enough to drink yet. I'm not saying it's impossible to have any of that with you. I am saying I can't put you in that position. Because those are a few things I want, but I can't make you want that too.

I also know that my feelings for you will not fade away easily. And I don't want you to think that I don't feel anything towards you. They are so strong and powerful, my heart flutters even at the thought of you. In another world, had we met under different circumstances I would jump at the chance to be with you. Regardless of your age. I still want to be with you. I really would like to give us a chance, Im just scared Charlotte. And I don't think its fair to ask you to wait for me until after you graduate. I cant hold up your life like that. I can only hope that maybe one day when circumstances are different we can give us a true chance. I would really like that. I hope you don't hate me Charlie. I hope you know this letter in no way means I don't care about you. I hope you continue to let me be in your life and be there for you whenever you need. But for now, at least, just not in an intimate way.

Im sorry sweetheart. I hope you could forgive me, and know that you always have a special place in my heart that is for you and only you. And when the time is right, I hope you will give me another chance.

-Rosalynn

****

Its been a month since that letter was left at my doorstep. There was a knock at my door, and when I opened it, there it was. I've been numb ever sense. My heart was shattered. I felt incredibly stupid for even opening my big mouth and telling her how I felt. The next day I went to school and begged my counselor to let me drop her class and opt into an art class or something. It took some convincing but he finally let me switch. I couldn't stand to see her and I knew there was no way in hell I could possibly sit through any of her lectures. It broke me. She broke me. And what hurts the most is that I am still utterly, confusingly, in love with this woman.

We haven't uttered a single word to one another in a months time. My locker is still on her hall, but I never look in that direction. Ive seen her in the cafeteria a few times. Our eyes met once, she looked so apologetic I couldn't stand it. I got up and threw away my trash and left. I had heard she talked to my counselor to try and get me back in her class a couple weeks ago. He said she told him I was doing really well, and didn't understand why I wanted to drop her class. Needless to say, I declined the invitation back. I want to try and forget any encounter we've ever had. It hurts to think about. It hurts to know that she wont allow herself to love me when I've loved her all this time. All this time.. I've looked past her age, past her job title. Hoping she would do the same but I guess I was wrong.

How many months until graduation?

A/N: Buckle up bitches, its about to be a bumpy ride 🥴