The Diary of an obsessive idiot(diary 4)

war inside of me

i'm cracking.

i'm trying to be a better person, i'm trying not to be who i used to be, to not do what i once did, but it's hard. i'm trying to be a better person, but it's hard, i have three conflicting beliefs, some i know are down right stupid and i refuse to do but the thoughts still remain (and yes these are about the girl i like... yh). anyways enough fluffing about i'm just going to list them.

1. ask her out again and again until things end bitterly between us just like what happened between the girl i used to like and myself. not a good option, not good at all. if you ask me this is a dark part of my life i'd rather not re-live.

2. ghost, yeah this is something i'm not sure whether i want to do. i'm kind of addicted to her personality, so this would be like cold turkey. but idk, it seems like it's the only option that will end (relatively) well.

3. continue being friends, smile happy times blahblahblah. yes i'd be happy, but deep down would i really? if we go off the addiction metaphor it's great on the surface but i need more, i always need more, i'm happy with it, but i'm hungry for more, i'll take and take until everything ends subtly and messy.

i have no clue what to do :l

(sidenote: it's as though i've convinced myself that the girl i like will finally reciprocate my feelings, if i demonstrate to her and show her the visible progress that i've changed she'll accept me, i know it's a fallacy but i've  fallen into my own delusion)