Into the Stars

Chapter Thirteen

TW: suicide ideation after the singing

Taarsidath-an halsaam: "I will bring myself sexual pleasure later, while thinking about this with great respect."

I stand at its head, catching my breath, as the spiritual ax slips from my hand. Knight Enchanters are missing out on the shapes spectral weapons can take.

Hakkon's ghost roars as it's released from the dragon's corpse. Bound for far too long.

Decius goes to lay a hand on my shoulder, but notices all the blood and drops his hand. "I didn't know you could use a spiritual weapon, liebling."

"I can't. It just happened. I don't know how, really."

"Well, either way, that was amazing. Bull would definitely be taarsidath-an halsaam-ing if he had been here."

My nose scrunches, "gross. Don't make me think about that."

Harding comes running up, "wow, I've never seen you kill a dragon up close before." Amazed.

"Maybe you'll get to see us kill another, when we fight that dragon Corypheus has?"

"Maybe! It'll be fun!"

"Yeah. Thanks for all your help. Maybe you can get a title upgrade? Dragonslayer Harding?"

"That kind of goes against the point of being a scout, Your Worships. Inquisitor Ameridan would have been proud that you finished what he started. It's strange. History forgot so much of who he was. They never knew he died saving everyone. Do you ever feel that way?"

"That I'll die and no one will remember me? It's possible that 800 years from now, history books won't include me. It happens to a lot of people. I won't be there to care. Not one of them is ever going to know what I was like as a person, how everyone looked at me with suspicion and disdain for months. I'm just some chick who ended a bunch of disasters and made a lot of money doing it to fund the organization that I lead. But, people would be terrified to know that. And, as truthful and descriptive as we're being with reports now? They'll eventually end up censored in textbooks with no detail. Until someone like Bram and you decide to find my remains."

"I suppose you're right. For what it's worth... nice work, you two. Anyway, I'll be at camp if there's anything here you want to finish up. Otherwise, see you at the Storm coast!"

"Yeah. See you." I turn back towards the dragon corpse as Harding walks away.

I don't really feel a sense of finality. Or satisfaction.

What is happening?

~

Decius went to speak with Svarah while I filled Bram in on what happened. He... I don't know if he was pleased to hear the news. An elven mage. History likes to repeat itself, doesn't it? Hopefully our destinies won't end the same.

Cassandra is content to stay at camp until we're ready to leave.

Cole is wherever Cole goes when he isn't physically present.

Dec retrieves Solas and I at sunset, likely after a nap.

Everyone is festive in Stone-Bear Hold. Drums. Fires. Dancing. Food and drink. Singing.

It's fantastic.

"Inquisitor, you counterpart mentioned something to me about singing earlier. We would be honored if you would grace us with your voices." Svarah walks up beside me.

"Thane, I would. I'm just not sure what to sing."

Cole materialized next to us, "She would tie cloves and onions cooking, singing as a flower in the fields."

Othan? Odin. If that is what you think is best. Svarah looks curious as to what the words mean to me, but is otherwise unperturbed by Cole's general existence. "He wants me to sing that song. It's not happening in Common, though." I walk to a larger fire and instruct the drummer how fast to play.

"Hariuha laþu laukar gakar alu ole lule laukar," I repeat the line a countless number of times, both my audience and myself starting to descend into a trance.

"Þat kann ek it ellifta:

ef ek skal til orrostu leiða langvini,

und randir ek gel,

en þeir með ríki fara

heilir hildar til, heilir hildi frá,

koma þeir heilir hvaðan."

Decius wanders over and joins me, "Hariuha laþu laukar gakar alu ole lule laukar," further into the trance.

"Heilir hvaðan, heilir hvaðan." I breathe as the drum continues.

He holds his arms out to the sky, "ole lule laukar," takes a deeper breath, "ole lule laukar!

"Þat kann ek it fimmta:

ef ek sé af fári skotinn

flein í folki vaða,

fýgr-a hann svá stinnt,

at ek stöðvig-a-k,

ef ek hann sjónum of sék."

I let the drum continue before I motion for it to fade out.

It feels nice.

~

It's long after everyone is asleep. Again.

I'm sitting with my legs hanging over the edge of the cliff this time.

Staring.

Dead.

It would be easy? I should be happy. We're done here. We did good, we did something good. Why do I feel like this?

The games never showed how hard living like this is. The second game did, a little, but Hawke's position was a little different than my current predicament. No less stressful, I'm sure... the entirety of Thedas is watching. I suppose I should give them something to look at. I don't want to.

I look at my left hand. The Anchor.

It causes Solas so much grief.

It's the only way to save Thedas.

And destroy it, as everyone knows it.

I'm going to lose my arm.

-I can't really die now, can I? I'm the only one with the Anchor. I doubt there are any other orbs left, anyways.

I pull a piece of malachite from my pocket. I squeeze it in my left palm and activate the Anchor. I hope this works.

I open my palm to a glowing gem.

I'm mildly pleased and surprised with myself. Until it stops glowing. "Oh, come on. You're kidding me." Infuse.

I sit on the edge until dawn with a crackling hand and a gemstone clutched tight.