A New Reflection

39. Volleyball

Josué is in my Marimba class, and I observe him with concern the following day. His shoulders are slumped, and he is not engaged in any of his usual babbling banter or philosophical meanderings with anyone.

I approach him after class.

"Hey, are you okay?"

"What is your understanding of the concept of 'okay?'" he challenges, with his soft voice that always reminds me of sweet, flowing creek water through a lush, flower-spattered meadow.

"I don't have a response for that," I answer, not allowing myself to fall into his rabbit hole. I maintain my voice steady. "You don't seem like yourself. I'm asking if you are okay."

He stops walking and blinks at me in surprise, as if I got to him. His face is dark, and tired circles ring his eyes.

"That's really kind of you to notice and ask." He smiles, and now I'm wondering if my intuition was wrong. I continue observing his face, my eyebrows raised in anticipation and a small half-smile hanging on my lips, waiting to see if he will answer the question.

"I've gotten a little too far sucked into some side projects this semester," he comments without providing detail, his eyes growing dull as he stares into the distance.

I wonder vaguely what types of projects he does on the side. Josué is involved in quite a bit of volunteer work, and I often see him scribbling furiously into his notebooks when I stop by his room to chat with him and Joshua.

"What's your major again?" I inquire.

"Philosophy."

I snicker, covering my mouth for effect. "Why did I even need to ask?"

Josué nudges me in the arm with his elbow and grins. There's that beautiful dimple.

"I like this 'new you,'" he remarks with sparkly eyes. "You are getting more comfortable with me."

Forgetting about my concern over Josué's mental and emotional health, I take his compliment as an unauthorized cue to spill my guts all over him.

"I'm not sure if you knew that... I had a little crush on you first semester."

He smiles blandly with closed lips. "I knew."

"You did?" Am I that obvious? Crap.

"Yes. Thank you for having a crush on me." His smile opening up is like the caramel of flan melting all over me.

"Um, no problem," I giggle. This is my cue to allow the conversation to naturally conclude and leave this poor boy alone. Instead, I say: "So, I was wondering..."

And here he cuts me off.

"You are genuinely sweet, Nati, and it's so brave of you to say all this to me. I like you a lot, as a friend. I'm not looking for anything more right now, with anyone." His words are warm and don't sting me.

I should be frustrated by my own stubbornness, impulsivity and inability to leave things alone, but instead I feel proud of myself for speaking the truth and asking for what I want. I smile at Josué, only slightly embarrassed.

"Okay, that's fine. I'll see you around," I say, giving him a small wave.

He winks at me.

* * *

Later that afternoon, I change into a lavender tank top and the tiny spandex shorts I used to feel so self-conscious wearing, then head to my volleyball class.

As I pull on my long-sleeved navy T from high school volleyball for warmth, Joshua bursts through the main Forest doors. I shoot him a big smile and catch his eyes raking indiscreetly down my bare legs.