What's Your Poison

21 - Longing in My Heart

Mission

Music strummed out of the jukebox. I'd opted to play this song twice. It was one of Jade's favorites, and I hoped when she heard the lyrics, she heard my voice instead. Bat groaned next to me, silenced by the swift slap of my hand on his head.

"It's bad enough that I gotta listen to this fucking banjo twanging bullshit. Now I gotta listen to the song twice in a row?" His face twisted in a grimace.

"Have another drink." Sol picked his glass up and pressed it to his lips. I shared a grateful look with her. Wings reached over and clinked his glass against mine with a sloppy grin.

"It's his girls' anniversary. She likes country music. Hell, why else are we wearing fucking cowboy hats?"

I clicked my tongue at my best friend, stomach swirling with a mix of bitter warmth. Like a draw of a cigarette. The hiss of smoke through my teeth. Knowing it was killing me, but loving it anyway. My gaze drifted to Jade, as always. I was tucked in the back booth. Where I used to brood, itching with impotent longing. Staring at my whiskey so I didn't watch my girl flitting behind the bar.

So close but chasms away. That hadn't changed. It had been months since I killed her dad. Now Jade was free from his rotting grasp. But she was still here. My chest ached. I told myself that it meant something, even though she avoided my constant looks. She'd been managing the bar for one year. So she'd organized a country music night. The booze was free flowing, brothers were happy and the music fucking sucked.

But Jade was in heaven. Trussed up daisy dukes, with not much else. I let the sight of her kill me, kill me, kill me over again.

Can't see you as nothing but mine.

I knew she loved this song, a crooning ballad, and she closed her eyes, mouthing the words. Her fingers gripped onto the bench, but that was the only solid thing about her. Everything else was liquid silk. She moved like neon, lightening, electricity. Everything bright and beautiful in this world.

And girl, tonight.

Our eyes met across the room and I sucked in a breath. One Beat. Two. Hair rose on my arms. I could stride across this room and have her in my hold. All it would take would be the slightest tip of her head. But she blinked, gave me her back and grabbed a beer for Greenie.

Let's go crazy one more time.

She belted out the line, tipping the pink cowboy hat she had on with relish. Laughter cascaded out of her. The bar was too loud for me to hear it, but it echoed in my soul. Her teeth clamped into her plump bottom lip, losing herself in the song.

"How'd you stand it?" I said to Wings, low so no-one else could hear. His eyebrows caught together in a frown before he realized what I meant. He'd waited for Tay longer than I had for Jade. I'd teased him mercilessly, and he took it all with a shrug and secret smile. Now I was doing the same thing. But I wasn't smiling. There was only one balm for the hole in my chest. Jade.

"Will you slap my head if I tell you one day at a time?"

"Yes." I confirmed through gritted teeth. My whiskey glass was empty, and I rolled the last drop around, wondering if I should approach her. This was her night to celebrate. She'd made this bar her baby, and it was busier and better than it had ever been.

"I had no choice. The only other option was giving up on Tay, and that wasn't happening."

A secret smile crept across his face, and I scowled at him. He shook his head and added.

"That's it. You either want to, or you don't."

I bit down on the sharp retort that burnt my tongue. He clapped a hand on my shoulder in wordless understanding. His advice was entirely unhelpful. Of course, I wanted to. There wasn't anything I wanted more except my Wildcat in my arms again. I could never let her know the real me before. I guess she could never let me know the real Jade, either. Now there wasn't anything to stop us from letting each other in. Except that she wanted nothing to do with me.

I guess I'll always have this longing in my heart.

"This song is shit. Whiny, moping—" Bat complained, cut off by the Sol. She pressed her lips on his with a smile.

"Shut up, I think it's sweet." She nodded at me. Thank god stubble covered my cheeks, because they flushed red at her insinuation. It wasn't like I was hiding my intentions, but there was something in her tone. The soft thread of pity shamed me. Like she didn't believe I had a chance of getting Jade back.

And you'll have a piece of me.

My heart ached, and I looked at Jade. Did she know what I was telling her? Did she care? She could crush the piece of my heart in her hands. She had, many times. But the longing never faded. It only grew. Her doe eyes locked on mine again, eyelashes fluttering like she was blinking back something. She tossed back a shot, wobbling slightly. I frowned when she clambered onto the bar. Hollering rang out in a roar, only encouraging my girl as she unbuttoned her checkered top. It had been knotted around her midriff, but now it was swinging round her head like a lasso.

"Come on Knights," she flung the top away, and it landed on Iron's head. He peeled it off with an indulgent smile.

"You're supposed to be running the bar, not drinking it dry." He heckled, and Jade threw her head back, teetering on her white cowboy boots. I stiffened as she wavered towards the edge. The decadent curve of her legs made my throat dry.

"I think that might be your cue." Wings chuckled. I slapped him on the back of the head. For his useless advice and his knowing tone. I hovered by the bar, shadowing Jade as she danced unseeing. Her smile swept over me like a heatwave, skin prickling under the warmth of it. The inevitable happened. She caught her heel on an invisible obstacle and tumbled off the bar. Her hand scraped against her throat and I saw a flash of silver. My heart lodged itself in my throat. I caught her easily, arms locking around her back. The heat that rushed through my veins was instant as we stumbled towards the bar. She giggled, wrapping her legs around my waist. The denim shorts rode up, revealing more of her body. So beautiful. So wild. She was so drunk she didn't seem to register who was holding her. But I couldn't let go.

"Ahh Mish, thank you for catching me. Love yo---" Her full wattage smile didn't dim, not until she registered the frozen, wide-eyed look I gave her.

"Anytime Wildcat." I managed a hollow smirk. Her hands pressed against my chest and she puffed out a frustrated breath when I didn't let her go immediately. I had forgotten what it sounded like being on the receiving end of her husky, warm voice. When she spoke to me now, it was to use her words like claws. Sharp and deadly. But for a second, the alcohol had made her forget. But I wouldn't. It had been a boost for my deflated heart.

"Let me go, can't you take a hint?" Her eyes narrowed to slits. "I don't want anything to do with you."

I clenched her tight for one moment longer. Stole her warmth and stowed it, safe inside of me. She grumbled when I released her, tossing her hair and pushing away.

"It's okay Wildcat." I smiled, brittle and thin. "Hate me if you need to. I'm not going anywhere."

Her shoulder blades jammed together, the only sign that she'd heard me. But she gave me no response. I replayed the half words she'd spoken that had tripped off her liquored tongue. Ducking my head, I spotted a silver glint in the low light. I crouched down and picked up her star necklace. It must have snapped on her tumble off the bar.

I fingered the delicate chain, hesitating before stuffing it into my pocket.