Heaven's So Far Away - A Sam Winchester X Female Reader Fic

Chapter 11

Sam's POV

"Y/N,

I'm so sorry. I feel like the world's biggest dick right now.

But I have to leave so you don't get hurt.

At least this time, I can tell you the truth...and tell you that I love you.

More than you'll ever know. 

.. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me...

One more time.

-Sam"

That's what I managed to scribble on a piece of paper through my angry tears, just before I folded it up and placed it on the coffee table for her to find when she wakes up. 

Once I was sure she was sound asleep, I'd managed to wriggle my way out from behind her and reclothe myself. But before I did...I must've been laying there for damn near two hours...just gazing at her beautiful, peaceful face while I wracked my brain for what in the world to do. 

I knew I couldn't stay...that much was fact. But Jesus Christ, did I want to.

With her in my arms...sleeping, naked...at her most vulnerable, yet entirely at ease in my presence...I couldn't give a fuck about any of it. 

Lilith, Lucifer....Heaven, Hell...the whole damn apocalypse...I seriously debated putting it all in--dare I say-- God's hands...and just riding out armageddon with her by my side...kissing her soft lips while the world burned and crumbled down around us.

But I couldn't do that. I was fated to play a role in this shitshow...even if I didn't necessarily know what that role was. She was worth more to me than seven billion people...but if I forsook the lives of seven billion people...she would die right along with them. I was destined to be this world's savior...and somehow, yet again...being an asshole and leaving seemed to be the only way to save Y/N. 

I could've woken her up...I could've explained my thought process and really drove home how much would be at stake if I didn't leave...if I gave up on our mission right here and now. She would've understood, clearly....she believed me about everything thus far.

But I didn't have the heart...and I know that makes me weak, you don't have to tell me. 

Our last goodbye was so fucking painful...and I felt like even though she knows I love her...even though she knows the truth...it wouldn't do a damn thing to null the pain of separating once again.

If her last memory of me is us making love before she fell asleep in my arms...instead of another fight with screaming and tears...I'd count that as a win, no matter how bad it hurts me.

So, I burned the image of her smiling softly in her sleep into my mind, along with the view of her smooth, breathtaking, nude body...and I chose not to bury it this time. I chose to use that as my motivation...my reason to make the world a better place so she can live on with the closure she so clearly deserved. 

So, with my farewell note in place, and the mental images captured...I made my way to the front door...trudging my feet as I went, and cursing God for dooming me to this life from the jump.