Gold Dust Woman- Lip Gallagher

fake funeral

"Maybe," he said, "Doesn't mean we can't continue. If she's seeing other people, why can't I?"

I shrugged, "Not to be that person, but I don't like the idea of sharing you with Karen Jackson. Don't wanna get whatever she has."

"I mean, I'm clean," he said.

"As far as you know," I corrected him, grabbing a big slab of meat and walking towards the house, "Come back to me when you're done with the community slut, and then we'll talk."

______________________________________________________________

After an hour or so of Lip and I hacking meat with Debbie, Carl, and Blake, we walked inside and saw Fiona on the couch, leafing through envelopes.

"What's all this?" Lip asked.

"Frank's bills," Fiona said, "680 dollars at Murphy's liquor."

"1200 at the windy titty?" Lip said. 

"A grand to Big Lenny?" Debbie said.

"Drug dealers take credit cards?" Carl said. 

"He bought a 65-inch flat screen?" I said, "Where the hell is that?"

 "Wait let me see those," Fiona said, grabbing the statements from Debbie, "Unbelievable."

"What?"

"He used our names to get the cards," Fiona said.

"Cool, Carl just got a subscription to Penthouse," Blake said.

The boys laughed as Fi and I gave them looks. 

So, Frank just put his kids in a shit ton of debt. I didn't want to say it was a new low, because every time I said that, he found a way to trump it. 

For dinner, Lip and I cooked brisket, and it was fucking delicious. The best meat I've ever tasted. Then, Frank came in all busted up.

"What happened to you?" I said.

"Uh, a huge guy jumped me. 280, 290-

"Good for him," Lip said as I nodded in agreement. 

"I need your help," Frank said.

"I got maybe two bucks," Debbie said.

"No, no, no. Show of hands. How many of you, at one point or another, have wanted to see me dead?"

We all raised our hands.

"Here's your chance."

Frank owed these two guys a shit ton of money but had no way of giving it to them, so, he decided the next best thing to do was to fake his death. 

So, while Lip and Kev carjacked a hearse, and Debbie got a suit from the dry cleaners, I went with V and Frank to purchase black-market drugs. We needed to go the extra mile if we were gonna convince these guys. 

After V decided on a horse tranquilizer, we left to go back to the house where we set up for the funeral. I borrowed one of Fiona's black dresses and set up flowers as Fiona, Steve, and Liam came in. I also helped bring in hors d'oeuvres. 

"Stuff the ice in his shirt!" Fi told Carl.

"Stop! Enough!"

"Your body needs to be cold!"

"More morphine."

"It's horse tranquilizer, you idiot," I said. 

"Get in the coffin before you pass out, Frank," Lip said.

"Just a little taste?"

"I don't even know why we do this for you," Lip said, shaking his head. 

"You think it's easy being a parent?" Frank said, making me scoff, "Letting Fiona be the good cop. The important thing is these kids. Carl, I remember when the nurse in the hospital handed you to me."

"Carl was born in the back of the van," Lip said, "You weren't there."

"I slapped his little ass myself-

Before he could finish, Lip punched him in the face, knocking him unconscious as Debbie screamed. After we put more ice in and checked everything, we saw the car pull up and get into character. 

I leaned my head on Lip's shoulder as he rubbed my back. The kids pretended to cry and Fiona looked distraught. 

"Sorry for your loss," one of the guys said.

"It was a shock," Fiona said, trying to hold back fake tears.

"I'm sure. Accident?"

"Suicide," Lip said as Fiona and Debbie sobbed, and even I pretended like I was crying.

The guy ran over to the coffin and grabbed Frank, who remained unconscious, making Debbie scream again. 

"I know you're faking it. Come on, open your eyes you lying squirrelly sack of-

While the other guy calmed him down, they called their boss. I looked over at Fiona, who gave Carl a look, making him run out the back door. They hung up and looked at us.

"You'll be going then?" Lip said. 

"Soon as he's in the ground."

"What? No! Why?" Debbie said. I put my arms around her to calm her down. 

"Boss's orders. Stay with the scumbag till he's buried."

A few seconds later, a car alarm went off. It was one of the men's. With them distracted, we needed to put something in the coffin. It was gross, but we used some of the meat we stole. 

"We need more time," Fiona said, looking at me and V, "Can you stall 'em?"

V unzipped her jacket, and we walked into the house and out the front. The two of us made small talk with the guy while everyone else brought the coffin out. 

"This stiff's starting to get ripe," the guy said, and I cringed at the horrible smell. Finally, with that part figured out, we hosted a private wake at the Alibi, starting with Kev making a speech.

"Frank Gallagher. Loving husband, devoted father."

We all exchanged grins at that statement. 

"Truly respected and cherished member of this community, and he will be sorely missed. I just hope in the afterlife, that they treat him as kindly as he treated us. To Frank!"

"To Frank!" We all said.

With that, the two guys left, Lip escorting them out and locking the door. Frank came out from the bathroom, smiling wide.

"Gonna take more than that to put out the lights on Frank Gallagher!" Frank said, "Next rounds on me!"

We all cheered, and I hugged Lip who kissed me on the cheek. I sipped my rum and cola as Frank told us what it was like being in the coffin. Two drinks later, everything got fuzzy as I sat on Lip's lap. Fiona and Steve were right next to us, kissing.

"Your sister's in love. I can tell," I said.

Lip chuckled, "Maybe. But she'd never admit it."

"Yup," I said, wrapping my arms around his shoulder and kissing him quickly on the nose.