The Knife

Avoidence

I don't have PTSD, but I often stare at the symptoms trying to find them in myself or taking online tests just in case it magically pops up, praying it doesn't but also needing the feeling of validation when a symptom shows up. This is how I came to discover trauma avoidance, something I've disregarded for a long time. After all, I spend much of my time obsessing over things long since passed and attempting to pry open locked memories from events I don't have the mental capacity to handle. Last month Mom and I were talking. And I mentioned how in the days leading up to her coming to this state my flashbacks got really bad and I was too busy having panic attacks to sleep. She asked me if that's why I avoided her. I said no. After all, it's been a year and things between us are fine, minus the minor frustrations we have with each other every time I come over or that mental break down last year we all pretend never happened because otherwise it hurts too much. And that's where it is. The problem is I lied without realizing it. The avoidance lies in that lie. In the events I don't talk about, in the panic I get while thinking about having to go back to that awful place to get the rest of my stuff, and worst of all, the amount of time I spend finding reasons not to go to my mom's. Not because I like Dad's house better, even though that's also true, but because every time we spend too long together, we stop being able to coexist just a little more each day, and I'm terrified she's going to bring out the belt or that I'll tell her I hope she dies and after its all over we'll curl up on her bed both crying as we apologize and say we'll stop hurting each other knowing it always happens again. I'd start running away again in fear of my safety and calling her after saying something horrible, screaming for her to pick up the phone and praying I'm not too late. I can't go back to that cycle. And every time I glimpse it, I run away as soon as possible. I was so focused on the avoidance I could see that I forgot about the types I couldn't, the ones that fall into cycles of their own. I didn't realize how much the fear of it all starting again or of the flashbacks coming back influences the way that I live. And this time, I don't feel any better because I found another symptom. It's not validating. It's just sad.

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7/15/2023