The Knife

Trust Issues

I told you to do this: you never did

You didn't forget, that's just an excuse: I'm sorry, I really did forget

You're not trying hard enough: I'm doing my best

You only can't because you tell yourself you can't: I only told myself that after I realized I couldn't

You're only calling your dad to start fights between your parents: no the fuck I'm not. I just can't do this on my own!

So now you're gonna try and kill yourself? What, do you need to be in a hospital?: no... I just need help. Right? I'm not just doing this for attention... Or am I?

Hey, wanna talk?: I'm busy. Sorry. Another lie.

Why haven't you done this yet?: I was about to start, not like they'll ever believe I really just forgot

What are you doing in there?: um, just this... Why did I just lie?

I'm crying again... I must just be being overdramatic. Yeah, that's what they'd tell me. What do I know?

Fuck, the thoughts are back. No, I'm just making them up. I don't really wanna die. I'm just a faker.

I'm just a faker.

I'm crying again. Why won't it stop? It's not real. I'm just a liar. I've always been just a liar. Is... Is any of this real? My pain?

I'm not making it up: yes I am!

It's not a lie: yes it is!

I wanna die: attention seeker!

Leave me alone: you're a terrible fucking friend!

Stop it!: you deserve it all! You did this!

I told you to do this!: I know. I'm sorry, I forgot. I'll get it done.

You didn't forget, that's just an excuse: Maybe so

You're not trying hard enough: No, I'm not. And I give up

Where's my computer? How did I lose a 15 pound freaking computer, I'm so stupid!: I don't know how you lost it. I'm sure it'll turn up

You can't possibly be that stressed out at this age: but I am. No, maybe you're right

I am just a liar after all... What do I know?

Why won't I just stop crying?: I feel like I need to cry so badly but I can't. There's too many people

Who am I even faking for? Myself?: exactly. Yourself

It hurts... It hurts so badly... Yet it doesn't even feel real

Why do I connect with these depressing ass stories so much? OMG can you just stop comparing them to your own life?! IT'S NOT EVEN CLOSE TO BEING THE SAME! And yet... The emotions feel so real when they're from here....

What am I even doing anymore?: I don't know

Maybe I should ask an adult?: what's the point? They don't believe you. You shouldn't either.

I found your computer: it was under the dresser the entire time! Wait... You knew the whole time...? Knowing I was looking for it for 2 months and letting me think I'd really lost it?: you did lose it. The privilege to have it: but you never even told me...

I don't trust you anymore. That was the final straw.

Why did I just trust you again? I'm not supposed to still trust any of you!

I'm going crazy: you can't be: you're right, brain. I'm just faking again *sighs*

Yeah, I have trust issues. But not because I don't trust people. I trust too easily...

No, past self. That's not why you have trust issues. You trust people until they make you lose that trust. Until you realize they aren't worthy of it, and then you separate yourself. I just wish... I wish so fucking badly you had stopped trusting them all sooner. Because at some point... You stopped listening to the person who needed your trust the most: yourself. And now we're laying here at 3am fucking crying because it hurts but it doesn't feel real. And I ask myself every day if I'm even feeling the way I do, if I have any right to, if maybe I'd have the right to if something bad really happened to me or if I had some kind of mental illness or self harmed in a more dangerous way, a way I could watch the blood pour out. Instead all I really do is just give myself a headache. And it still doesn't feel like enough. Nothing feels like enough. My pain isn't valid, it shouldn't be here. I know that's a lie and yet I continue to believe it.

Because I'm just a liar, right? Right? Right? I feel so much like one... Every single day.

You do have trust issues, past self. You still do to this day. Because you trust nearly everyone but yourself, even when you know without a shadow of a doubt you're right. You just can't believe it, always second guessing yourself. But I just want you to know... It's not your fault. It's not your fault you were always called a liar. It's not your fault people rarely believed you. It's not your fault people made you question yourself and your reality. It's not your fault you ended up lying every time you got even a little scared because lying and getting caught was easier then being called out for a lie when it was the truth or you were too ashamed of the truth. It's not your fault things happened the way they did. I wish I could go back and tell you that it wasn't. But fuck does it feel like it is. So I'm fighting. I'm fighting with every goddamn thing I have. Just sorry I didn't realize how wrong I was sooner. But it's okay. We got this. And so does everyone else fighting their fights. We got this. We can win... Because we know we're right... Even if it feels like we couldn't be farther from the truth.

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Reminder for myself cuz I go back and read this stuff later in life, lol: made January 14th, 2022, ending it off at 3:29am

Good night, everyone