Dear Diary,

XIII

▪︎ Don't let the past steal your present ▪︎

Wednesday, 12.07.23

Surrender

Dear Diary,

We live in a world that is driven by motivation, determination and speed. We enter this world with countless of expectations for it and for us, and by no means that is inherently negative, however, majority seem to forget one precious little thing:

the present moment.

I am on a break as of now since the spring semester has ended. I took a few summer classes as well, and those ended too. I am sitting in my bedroom with plenty of time in my hands. And yet, I feel a bit empty.

I can understand why I feel this way, I was consumed by projects and assignments that I had to finish these past months, and when those were done, that adrenaline of having to get things done, suddenly disappeared. I had forgotten what it is like to have free time in your hands, and now I have absolutely no idea of what to do.

I have the chapter I wrote once back in 2018 right in front of me. The "X" one. My younger self was so excited for summer vacation. She was so determined to make new memories and to get out of her current redundant routine. She was eager to have fun. Reading that chapter now, I have come to realise that, perhaps, I have lost that desire to actively create precious memories.

Do not get me wrong. I always want to create new memories and experiences for myself. It is one of those things I will never compromise. The difference from 2018 is that I entered this summer vacation not with a sense of determination to create new memories and accomplish things, but with a sense of curiosity and hope. The reason being that I am currently not as excited as my 2018 self is because I am actually enjoying my life. Let me paint a clear picture for you:

In 2018 I was in high school. I belonged to an environment in which routine was created for me; I had classes I did not particularly enjoyed, I was pressured to do well in school and to figure out what I wanted to study for university. Whenever I had a break from school, I got really excited because getting a break means to get out of that routine that I did not like and to decide first hand how I wanted to spend my days.

2023 me. The current me. I am studying something my younger self never thought possible, and I am in charge of my own routine. The difference between 2018 and 2023 me is that, although I still have routines, these routines are ones I have created for myself and work for the best of my benefit and growth. I feel privileged as I am writing this.

And so, although my university life has been hectic and routine based, I am enjoying it. That is why when everything suddenly came to a halt, I felt weird and empty. I had achieved what I had to do for those semesters and now I have the time in the world. It has been a hard transition to tell you the truth. But I have come to some conclusions.

First, someone might be reading this and wondering, "there is an easy solution to get out of this rut, create more goals for this summer break". Funny thing is, I have set goals for this summer break. It was the first thing I did after my summer classes ended. As I said, we live in a world that is driven by motivation. Goals are what keep us alive and going. Without them, we would feel we had no purpose. I have been spending my days slowly achieving the goals I have set for myself so I do not feel like I am wasting my days.

But this 'emptiness' I mentioned? Why do I still feel this way? Throughout this entry I was trying to figure out the reason why. And then an epiphany.

I looked up and saw all the abundance all around me. I realised that the "cure" of what I am feeling right now is to simply realize that all that I truly need is surrendering to the present moment. Look around you. What do you see? What do you hear? What do you smell? Taste, feel?

We live in a world where we feel this need to accomplish our goals. And while those are important, it is also vital to take a breather. Wherever you are and whatever you are doing, take this very moment as an opportunity to bring your attention to your own present moment. See how life simply goes on around you. Check in with yourself. Focus on your breathing. Surrender to the present moment.

I have come to realise that the more I focus on the present moment and taking a pause to really observe what is around me, the less empty I feel. While I am a goal-oriented person, I always try to remind myself that I should pause and simply feel myself existing. It is okay to take breaks. It is okay to do nothing for one single moment. Life is not only about pursuing your dreams but also to allow it to show you how beautiful it can be.

So for this 2023 summer vacation, I have decided to take things slow and to show patience towards myself. I will both accomplish what I want while also approaching each day with a sense of curiosity and openness.

6.56pm.

Surrender to the present moment.

- L

ps. whoever is reading this, thank you for existing, and good luck.