Dear heart || geminifourth

Chapter 7.

While i was walking in school I heard someone's voice calling me, I turned out and I saw WIn running to me, he wanted us to go to school together. He asked me if I was with Tinn yesterday, when i told him that i had fun with him he looked at me suprisingly

- "How the fuck you had fun with him, he's usually so boring and doesn't do anything, are you sure you guys had fun?"

- "Yeah, actually we talked a lot, I don't know but he was kinda carring to me, it for real wasn't boring."

- "Interesting, however I wanted to update you that I have a girlfriend now."

- "Oh my God congratulations, what's her name, do I know her?"

- "You will find out soon."

Wow, Win got into relationship, how cute, when is my turn to finally be happy? However, we went to store before school and we saw Tinn, he ran to us and said hi to me totally ignoring Win, we started talking and in time i turned around Win was gone "Where the fuck he disappeared?". Tinn didn't know, when we entered into classroom I saw Win sitting with Taya. When Tinn saw that he ran into them, asking why the fuck are they sitting together. When Taya tried to explain that they two are in relationship now, Tinn punched Win in the face, making them fight, I was just standing there telling them to stop but they didn't listen. Teacher walked in and separated them telling them to go to the principal, which they did. I was in shock, I sat with Taya in hope she will explain to me what just happened because my brain stopped working. She told me that she liked Win for a very long time now, but she didn't know how to tell him. She also told me she was with Tinn to make Win jealous. Then why did he break up with her? I was kinda confused, but too scared to ask.

~

- "So you were in relationship just to make Win jelaous right?"

- "Yeah, pretty much."

- "Do you know the reason why Tinn broke up with you."

Oh fuck, why the fuck i asked her that.

- "Wait, what?"

- "What what? No wait, I'm lost, Tinn said he broke up with you."

- "What? No, ofcourse not, I broke up with him because he was too boring and I realized that if I want to be in relationship with Win I have to make first move."

- "But Tinn said he broke up with you?"

- "LMAO, when he told you that?"

- "I don't know like.. 2 days ago i think?"

- "LMAO NO, I broke up with him yesterday, he only sat with you because he felt pitty for you to sit alone. Don't mind him tho, he's and asshole."

Oh wow..

- "Oh and yeah, when Win felt sick yesterday again, I realized i should broke up with Tinn and ask Win to take care of him so he can start liking me, and when i broke up with him he sat with you because i told him to change sits or else i will."

Bro what the fuck, I felt terrible. I didn't know what i would hear if I only ask her one question, it would have been better if i had kept quiet.

- "But why did he punch Win, I'm kinda confused now, if he didn't really care about you?"

- "Who told you Tinn doesn't care about me, maybe he actually is jealous, I don't really care to be honest."

- "Oh, okay."

- "However don't get attached to him, he doesn't know how to act around people and he doesn't respact them either."

- "Yeah, thank you I won't.. I will keep that in mind.."

- "Good, please listen to Win, he's a good guys and he's very protective friend, he already told me that he warned you but you don't seem to listen to him at all, so if you need something you can always ask us, we can't control who you will be friend with, but be careful."

- "Thank you Taya, I will :)"

- "Your welcome and please could you sit with me today, as I can see they will probably be suspended or just off today."

- "Yeah sure."

~

Somehow we didn't have classes today, because of Win's and Tinn's fight, every class was cancelled for that day. We all went home, at least we were free for today.

~

When I went home I saw my mother drunk, I came and asked her where was she yesterday all day, she slapped me. She fucking slapped me.

- "Keep your mouth shout, why would i tell you, who are you to ask me these kind of questions? My dad? And remember that i gave birth to you and not you to me. Go to you room, NOW!"

~

I really wish I understand what happened now, I only asked her where she was, nothing more, I didn't expact that reaction. I ran into my room, locking my door and started crying so hard, this is too much for me. First Tinn, now my mother, what the fuck is next. Maybe i should've listen to Win. Why the fuck am I so dumb, why fucking why?

I felt like I'm in this world alone, like I have no one in my life.

I can't do this anymore, why is my life so hard? I started choking in my tears, this is to painful go me. I can't I have to do it.

I grabbed a razor blade that i keep in a pocket of a jacket i never wear, so my mom would never go through my pockets and find it and I cutted two lines on my wrist, again. After 2 weeks clean I fucked everything again. I felt even more worse, but the feeling I felt after I cutted myself made me feel better. I'm so sick. Why am I doing this? Am I this dumb? I continued crying. I felt so mad, I wanted to end it all but I didn't know how, i could just cut it until I bleed to death. But that would be a long proces. I felt angry again. I grabbed a flower that Tinn gave me and cutted it with blade. I felt even worse, everything I do just make things worse. I started punching wall in my room, which made my hands bleed. I started breaking some little things, so my mom can't hear it. This time i felt better, I felt like all my pain disappear. When i looked at my wrist I realized I cutted myself too deep, I looked around the room, blood was everywhere, on wall i was punching, on bed, on the floor, everywhere. I paniced and started cleaning it, I used toalet paper to bandage the wound. I cleaned everything up but I realized I bleed to much. I had no other choices but to tell my mom I accidently fell and somehow I cutted my wrist. I knew it won't work but I had no other choices, I panicked terribly.

I went down and showed my mom my wound, my mom already knew what happened and she slapped me... Ofcouse she did. She started yelling at me saying why the fuck i cut myself and what have made me od that. But she had no other choices because she also started panicking. She told me to get into are immediately. She drove so fast, i could see tho her eyes how scared she is, i felt terrible. When we came into hospital my mom explained everything, the doctors were understanding and bandaged my wound gently. Thankfully they didn't send me to a mental hospital but they warned my mom to take better care of me.

I alredy knew i fucked up when we come back home, when we got into the car everything was in silence. My mom didn't say anything, I don't know what was on her mind, but she seemed so uncomfortable, like she didn't want to be with me right now.

When we came back home she only kissed my forehead and told me to go to sleep.

This is first time ever after I don't know how long that she kissed me, I missed this.

To be honest I was dead exhausted so i went to bed, before falling asleep i relized i didn't ask Win and Tin what principal said. However, I will know it tomorrow.