sinner, (lesbian lovestory)

Chap.6 :)

(clea's thoughts)

She's with her again. Graham is with haliie. Amd I'm Here sitting on my own, staring at myself. On the surface I'm so beautiful, but on the inside I'm a terrible monster, the jealousy and anger inside me is eating me out, I can't hold it in. I snap at her, I call her names, I tell her I hate her over and over again... But I love her, I love her so much I can't stand it, I try keeping sealed within but it never works. My heart aches when I'm not around Graham and even when I know I'll see her later I miss her every second that she is away from me. But she's with hallie. And it's my falut. I let her get away. NO I pushed her away. I told her I never loved her that I never will that she means nothing to me, I've hurt her, I've broken her heart over and over again. I break her trust and I push her around. but she should know!! I love her! Why can't she see it? Why doesn't she know that I only hurt her because I'm hurting myself?? That I can't accept the fact that someone actucqlly loves me so I shove her love away? Why can't she see we're meant to be?! Me and her forever, I can over come my fears my problems, I can love her! I can love her better than anyone else! Especially more than hallie, Graham is mine!! Mine and only mine! Why doesn't she see that she belongs to me and only me! She's mine! I swear to fuckin god that if I ever see that slut touch Graham I I'll rip her apart and feed her to dogs. Why does Graham make me so angry why does she Make me hurt her. If she wasn't so stupid then we would be together, it's HER fault that I yell at her, it's HER fault that I hit her, it's HER fault that I hate her, it's ALWAYS HER fault, I know I hurt her I know I cause her pain but its o ly because I love her and she lives me so she hurts me back. I know I love her but sometimes the anger out weights the love and I snap. The emotions I feel boil over and my heart explodes and I swing my arms I draw blood and I enjoy. I'm a sick twisted monster. I hate the person I love the most. I spit in her face and treat her like trash. I fuck her like a whore then leave her to cry herself to sleep. I leave bruises on her beautiful skin to prove she's mine to leave my print on her, so she knows so she'll never forget, but the bruises always fade so do the promises I make. Can I change? Can I be the one she needs? Or will I stay this horrible monster amd lose the one person who stayed with me.

God I hate my reflection. I've been staring at it all night waiting for graham to home. I notice my face. Cold, hard and unforgiving. I hate myself. I hate who I am. I notice my eyes, Graham always says they're beautiful. But all I see is lies and broken promises. And if I look close enough and can also see my own pain. Fuck I sound like some emo bitch whining. This is life. I have to accept it. I'm a broke.m damaged person. I can't change that, so why try. I notcie my lips. Even my lips are beautiful. But I know the truth. These are the lips who have drank the blood of thousands of innocent people who didn't deserve to die. These are the lips that used to whisper sweet mornings into graham's ear that night under her pink covers. These are the lips who have yelled and spit At graham. These are the lips who say words I don't mean. These are the lips who betray my thoughts. I pick up a sharp knife and bring it to my mouth. It's so cold and shiny and sooo perfect looking. See me and this knife are the same. Beautiful, dangerous and hateful. I pressed the blade against my lips and I saw crimson blood drip. Pain. I can't feel it. Not on a physical level anyway. So I just watch myself bleed. Maybe if I bleed enough, I can repay all the hurt I've caused people. Maybe I can one day forgive myself. Maybe one day I can be free. I can live without suffering and constantly hurting myself maybe one say even Graham xan forgive me

I hear the door open downstairs and I rush down to see Graham walk in. "where have you been?" why did you leave me alone. "I was out with hallie" she said with a smile obviously not noticing i am beyond pissed off at her. "again?!" what does she have that I don't? She cleared her thoart and her face harden. "well why do you care anyway?" she asked me her voice cold. "because you're mine!" dammit dammit dammit I just said that aloud. Ah geezus why the fuck did I have to say that? "umm what?" I saw her face turned from shocked to angry. I looked her straight in the eyes and repeated myself " you are MINE..." her face dropped and I saw something in her eyes that I've never seen before. Hate. I glared back. Then something I did not expect. She punched me. And that Hurt like a bitch! Now all I see is the darkness taking over...