[Arthdal Chronicles] Fight for freedom

CHAPTER 44: A decision, a kiss and a brokenheart.

Once in the Great Shrine, Tanya sent the priests away with the order to put the things they had bought away. With Sana and Yangcha, she headed for the two Daekans' room and though she wanted to inquire about Enoria's condition, she agreed to wait outside, the time for the masked warrior to make sure that the women he loved had control over her emotions.

In front of the closed door of his own room, Yangcha took a deep breath. If he didn't want Enoria to close up, he knew he would have to be careful with his words. He knocked then entered immediately after. He closed the door behind him and took a few steps inside his room. 

He was surprised by Enoria's calmness. Sitting at the table, she was busy writing. When she raised her head to look at him, he could see the storm raging in her eyes but she said nothing and she lowered her eyes to focus again on her task. He exchanged a glance with Whan, leaned over the wall in front of Enoria, who simply shrugged as if he didn't know what to tell him.

"What are you doing?" Yangcha asked as he approached Enoria.

"A list," the Igutu simply replied.

"What kind of list?" he questioned as he read above her shoulder the horrible things she had written there. 

"First it was ten ways to kill Taealha, but we got inspired, it won't be surprising if we manage to go up to fifty," Whan replied.

Yangcha gave him an annoyed look: letting her write such a thing wasn't the best way for her to deal with her emotions. He took the paper without her consent and went to burn it. 

"I wasn't done yet," Enoria said with gritted teeth as she set down her pen as gently as the storm inside her allowed her.

"I understand that you're upset and angry but writing a list like that not only won't help you calm down but it could also be a problem if someone finds it," Yangcha said as he came back to her side.

"I am fine and I am calm," she said as she stood up with a speed that conveyed the opposite of the words she had just spoken.

"No, you're not," he replied as he looked straight into her eyes. She didn't reply to him and she just silently stared back. "Whan, get out for a while," he addressed the warrior without even looking at him. Whan didn't say anything and just obeyed, giving space to the couple. Once Whan out, the silence reigned in the room for a little longer before Yangcha broke it: "it wasn't your fault," he said, "what happened to those three people, it wasn't your fault."

She felt the tears coming to her eyes but she held them back. "It was. They were killed because they knew me. If it weren't for me, they would still be alive. I should have protected them. I failed them."

"You did what you could. Dwelling on those thoughts will only eat you up. Just like trying to kill some Palace Guards in broad daylight while letting all Arthdal know what you are won't change what happened. Now let go of those tears you are trying so hard to hold back, keeping those emotions inside will only hurt you more."

"I don't want to cry, I want to kill. I want to plunge my hand into Taealha's body and slowly feel her heart stop beating. I want to see her in pain, to see the fear in her eyes as she understands that she is dying. And it scares me. To have such thoughts, it scares me. I am losing control over what I feel and what I do and I feel like I am being overwhelmed by everything. I feel like I am suffocating but if I let go of my emotions, if I lose the little control I still have over myself, I don't know what will happen and that is as scary as it is dangerous. I've lost myself once and I don't want that to happen again."

As much as he wanted to know more about what she meant by having lost herself once, he didn't ask, it wasn't the right time. He cupped her head into his hand to force her to look at him. "You'll be fine. You won't lose yourself," he tried to reassure, "but you will have to be more careful or else you'll give Taealha exactly what she is waiting for."