One Last Smile

Entry #16

Entry #16

November 25, 2022

Kyan finally met my family, Mom, and kuya DJ. Last night, Kyan discussed a matter that I had to oblige. He said that he felt like he was impolite for not asking for my Mom's permission. Following our late-night talk, his constant identity crisis was getting out of control. We were all in this relationship, so we tried to make it work with the approval of our parents.

It was difficult for both of us, although pakiramdam ko na he's trying to control our problems by himself. It was supposed to be 'our' problem. We ought to fix it together. Ewan, hindi ko rin naman alam kung paano manligaw in the first place kasi ito yung unang pagkakataong maranasan ko 'to. Kyan...I think he was relieved when he met Mom despite the flaming glare that kuya DJ would constantly shoot at him. Though I don't exactly know what he's planning to do afterward.

Today, kinuha niya ako sa bahay dahil pupunta na naman kami sa campus. Yes, Vaughn called us for a meeting. It was difficult to be a representative kasi kahit gaano kaliit yang titulo, malaki pa rin yung parte na gagampanin. I wanted to rest and just think of my problem with Kyan pero hindi ako hinayaan ni Vaughn, not when he messaged me that he wants to talk to me after our meeting.

Something must be so wrong with me eh no? I realized that by taking a step and opening the door in front of me, I welcomed uncertainties that would drive me crazy if not later, then soon enough.

The only thing that I could say was I had chosen Kyan, and I intend to make things work. He's someone I felt intimate with, an intimacy that not all people around me would understand.

_______

"Are you nervous?" Parang ako yata yung kinakabahan eh hindi siya. I agreed to meet him sa may gate namin para sabay kaming papasok sa bahay. My family was already waiting for him, and what can I say, my mom prepared a fine dining. "Of course, I am, pero nakadecide na tayo eh, and soon enough, I'm going to introduce you to my own parents."

I moved his hair to the side and kind of ruffled it before he parted his slicked-back hair. Kinakabahan ako sa susunod kong sasabihin, but I said it anyways. I was done keeping the question up in my mind, and judging our relationship and how he was acting, I needed to ask him. "Aren't we going a little too fast, Kyan? I mean, yes, I was so maingay about being a sure thing, pero this is a relationship that should be taken seriously and should be firm enough to face the world." I only wanted things to be clear.

I was beginning to doubt things, to doubt our relationship, yet I cannot confess that to him. I've only observed puppy love and broken ones, so I was quite taken aback when he responded. "Trust me, nakipag-usap ako kay Dad, and he told me to follow my heart. Hindi tayo bata to play some love games. Fortunately, my heart's path leads me to you, Dez. Aren't you going to open the door for me?"

Oh, how I wished I recorded that so I could replay it whenever I'm overthinking. "It depends...did you knock?" Tumawa naman siya at hinalikan ang noo ko. "Yep, three times." Ang galing. Three times daw.

"You're thinking of something. Tell me about it." Does he really want to know? Normal ba 'tong pagdududa sa isang relasyon? That feeling na you've always wanted this, you anticipated for this, but when this becomes your reality, suddenly hindi mo alam kung ano ang nararapat gawin upang panatilihin ito. This was definitely crazy, and I'm not mature enough.

"Well, I just think that I'm immature-because I'm being immature-and I'm thinking na we're going too fast although it has been only almost a month since you confessed your feelings. I didn't want to say this to you because I know that you got things covered and you obviously had taken things into account before you decide on things-the only thing I know is that gusto kita at ikaw lang ang gusto ko despite everything going too fast for me-"

"Babe..." he calmed me down. Indeed, I was spitting words out of anxiousness but he still comprehended the situation that I put myself in. He's that good...I think I'm not. Tinawanan pa niya ako nang bahagya bago niya hinalikan ulit ang noo ko. "I love you so much," he said those words with so much adoration in his eyes, and I couldn't help but to shed some tears. "Grabe ka na talaga, Kyan. Shutangina naman..." paiyak na sabi ko.

He laughed again. His laugh was music to my ears whenever I feel down. After that intimate conversation, we both head inside. When I recalled what happened that afternoon, Mom was apparently watching us from behind the window. Ang sabi niya sa akin ay nakahanap ako ng mabuting lalaki. She said that it would be better for me to tell all my thoughts to Kyan about our relationship since he was more understanding than me. It was a good thing that we were both open. He just accepted my flaw, and I love him for it.

We both went to the campus with warm hearts. I thought na I was in good hands. Tumalab talaga yung mga prayers ko eh no? Thank you, Lord. I mean it. Swerte ko kay Kyan.

Pinatawag ako ni Vaughn when the meeting was adjourned. Kyan assured me that we was fine since may gagawin din siya. I've uttered the word 'mature' a dozen times already to keep myself calm. My intrusive thoughts cannot flow through my mouth now, baka ano pang masabi ko.

"I'm telling the truth, Dezryl. Kyan's too confused with himself and you shouldn't be associating yourself with him. You'll only get hurt. And I don't mean to drag him down. It's just that you don't deserve that personal dilemma. You're not some stop that he could use when needed." He confessed as if that was going to make him clean, off the slate na. My intrusive thought was to strangle him. Hindi pala mouth ang dapat kong ikabahala kundi ang mga kamay ko na nakatago kang sa bulsa.

I sighed before I softly pushed him away from me. Masyado na siyang dumikit. "Vaughn, I seriously think that you should stop. You are his friend."

"I am, and I know him better than you. I know the guy before you. I know everything. He has this sort of attachment issue along with his identity. To him, no girl matters. No one will believe you if you tell everyone that Kyan's in love with you." And to be honest, that took me out. Bigla akong nakaramdam ng kirot. I knew it was true, that all he said was most probable kasi nga diba, nasaksihan ko kung paano siya makihalobilo sa mga lalaki. And I guess I blinded myself because that didn't really matter to me. Vaughn didn't know me anyway, because if he did, he would know that I wouldn't trade Kyan for a petty talk.

I laughed before I walked away. I saw Kyan sa hallway sa 8th floor, my heart being all giddy and childish when I saw him. I wanted to hug him pero hindi pwede. We haven't gone public. He looked at me with confusion in his eyes when I halted in front of him, of course getting the attention from the other officers. "Pwede na raw tayong umuwi. Chelle, let's go na."

"Anteh? Pinag-gagawa mo? Iniwan mo si Kyan?" I laughed. Napatawa ako sa sinabi niya. I didn't want to risk our relationship because of what Vaughn did. Tanga rin kasi ako minsan. Kahit na may napagdesisyunan na tung utak ko, iba ang gagawin ko. That shows how weird a human being is. "Okay lang yun. Besides, hihintayin ko siya rito. People might see us."

"Bobo. May mga mata kami syempre makikita-joke lang pre gusto ko yung kuya mo." Michelle was giving me advices and we were immersed into our discussion that we didn't notice Kyan behind us. While Michelle went home, I was with Kyan.

"Where you going to hug me back there, Dez?" Tumango ako. He laughed and gave me a smile before he ruffled my hair. "Natulala ako kanina accla. Akala ko kung ano-ano namang ginagawa mo. Come here..." Inismiran ko siya na para bang nandidiri ako kasi akala ko may iba pang estudyante sa student's lounge. "No one's watching," he said as he hugged me. He was even swaying us in such a slow manner.

"Can we just stay like this?"

Can't we just stay like this?

_______

Indeed, we are halfway done with the first half of the story. This chapter was by far the most raw and realistic to me, depicting flawed characters.

Happy reading, my palangga!

- Crruuxxx