One Last Smile

Entry #11

Entry #11

October 30, 2022

Sunday...the Lord's day. But...I felt today was ruined by the devil himself. Family matters aside, I met Vaughn on the way to the church that I usually go to, and even my seat was in front of him. Not only that, he offered to send me home. I instantly refused, remembering Kyan's sudden exposé. 

There was only one person in my mind, and that was Kyan all along. Biglaang sumulpot si Vaughn nang walang preno. How could I even begin to break it down to him? 

I had finished my schoolwork before I decided to go to Starbucks. Again, it was my go-to space. I was sipping coffee like I was on a late-night show, scrolling through Facebook, Instagram, and even TikTok. I was bored with my life today. Mom and kuya were on their way after visiting the hospital. 'Twas only me. We were going to eat our lunch at 32 Umber Cafe & Co on Archbishop Reyes Ave. It was kuya's requested place. I guess he would see the shop when he's driving to his school. 

I was waiting for Kyan's message, hoping he would explain what happened two nights ago, almost two nights ago. Yet, his message never came. What came is Vaughn's narrative, as strange as it sounded...yes, he did message me. 

Hindi naman ako naguguluhan...honestly, I was annoyed at how he approached me today. It was giving a red flag vibe, pero I never imagined him as one due to the fact that he's the perfect role model for my fellow students. It was truly unsettling. 

During the afternoon, Kuya DJ unexpectedly bumped into Kyan as he mentioned. Remembering that baliko si Kyan, their unknown interaction brought a wave of pain to my sandy heart. Fortunately, tinukso ako ni kuya kaya nawala yung kirot na naramdaman ko. Tanga kasi ako. Kinilig ako despite knowing that kuya DJ was more strict than Mom. 

I did not know that kuya would then give me a piece of advice. Nagsama pa sila ni mama para pag-isahan ako. They said that I should pursue what my heart desires talaga. Sexuality would pay the littlest role.

And that...right there and then, I knew he's good for my family. 

Was this not a sign already?

_______

"So, that was the guy, kuya DJ?" Mom said in a surprised tone. She gasped and covered her mouth upon kuya's tight smile. "Oh my. He's neat and gwapo..." I know, ma.  

"How come you never told me, Dylan? I should've greeted the poor boy. Future son-in-law ko na pala yun." Mom teased me, wiggling her eyebrows at me while slapping my shoulder. "But totoo, you have a good eye, anak. He's not bad naman diba?" 

"Define bad, mama," asked kuya, jokingly. Mom chuckled and then said, "You know, bad as in someone who's been doing badly at his academics, has no good manners, has vices, and someone who has a weak mentality." She looked at us when kuya and I went quiet. We remained quiet until she broke it off. "Did I say something bad?" 

I think kuya and I thought that those were the characteristics that we should avoid looking for in our partner. 

Kuya nudged me and gave me a menu, and I quickly chose baked macaroni and abg pasta for Mom and me. And of course, I chose blueberry cheesecake for our dessert. While I was choosing food from the menu, Mom was asking questions. 

"How did you meet him, Gaelle? Is he planning to court you? What's his strand, dream job, and financial status? Is that guy doing good with his academics?" There were so many inquiries that Mom asked which I know no answers of. Kuya's eyes were suddenly lowered, indicating that he was paying attention to what I was about to respond to. However, I told my mother that Kyan was not exactly what she expected. I told her he was gay. 

She made that "Oh" sound while looking back and forth, from me to kuya. "But you like him man kaha? So what if he's gay? Will that stop you? I know someone from my batch who claimed himself as gay, but he has a wife now and three kids." Hindi ko alam kung anong dapat itugon ko sa sinabi ni mama. Will his sexuality really stop me?

I don't know. I felt like it won't if he would tell me that he feels the same way as I am. If I could only have that assurance, I don't think it would. Besides, naguguluhan ako sa sinabi niya nung nakaraang gabi. He was confused. Kung ano mang nararamdaman niya ay hindi niya maintindihan and he couldn't come up with a conclusion. What I know was that he knew his good friend liked me. 

Speaking of Vaughn, he restated his feelings, saying that it was more clear. He then asked if Kyan was pursuing me. In the face of my dilemma, I lied. What else was I supposed to say? Syempre, marami pa...but I chose to lie. Can I not blame Vaughn for it? 

"Huy, stop zoning out. Mom's asking you questions." 

"Yes, Mom?" I quietly thanked the waiter as I waited for Mom to continue speaking. 

"Were you listening? Hindi ka naman nakikinig. Ang sabi ko, do you like him, or perhaps love him? You know, I appear strict, but I know that teenage love. Mom chose to understand you. So, you should speak to us. Malay mo, magkatuluyan kayo."

Kuya DJ's brows were aligned upon Mom's assuring words. He then complained, "Ma, you weren't like this when I told you about—never mind." My ears then perked up. Who was he talking about?

"Anyway, anak. If you like him, just let things as it is. Let things be. What I hate is seeing my children forcing themselves to change for the people they love, and I get upset also if these people whom they love, are being forced to change themselves..." 

"Mommy, I do like him, like a lot, but...ah basta busy pa ako sa studies ko..."

I don't think I was ever allowed to say what I was supposed to say. So then, I kept quiet. 

_______