One Last Smile

Entry #12

Entry #12

November 7, 2022

Dear Diary,

I, for all the reasons out there, never knew of love. Perhaps, I knew of it through my parents but since their love faded, I somehow forgot it. It was strange to see my parents as now strangers when they were lovers for decades, and when their love produced offspring. Perhaps, I knew of it through all the movies and novels I have watched and read, or perhaps from the poetries of Mahmoud Darwish whos poetries are sweet for the tooth yet salt for the wound.

I made it obvious that I liked Kyan, that I had a crush on him. My behavior changes when he's near and I definitely couldn't breathe properly when he's near. He makes me happy and I feel giddy when he's around. Those alone were evidenced that I was into him.

Yet, when people started telling me that I was 'in love', I was quick to deny it for I know nothing of love. I may have heard of it from 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 from the Bible. I thoight my parents had that kind of love.

Mom even addressed me as someone in denial.

I was scared to talk to Kyan about it, how and what he really felt, and even the whys of it. I was not exactly the ignorant type of person, but the confusing feeling and thoughts were still unfamiliar to me. Thoughts of his presupposed feelings get worsen as days go by. I wished I could figure them out by now. However, sometimes I'd like to deny them.

What is there to deny? That, I do not know. How do I differentiate like from love? Is it not easy? I talk all about him and it seemed as if my world revolved around Kyan, but really, I am not certain that I love him.

I was having a crisis until today. The assurance that I had hoped for before, I now got it.

_______

"You really should've marked this one. See to it that this one is corrected." Again, Vaughn was back to his serious modus operandi. We were conducting a gmeet right now, and I was not exactly feeling it. It was six in the morning. What kind of student would run a gmeet at six in the morning? Vaughn's kin.

"Dezryl and I are on our way to the campus. We'll finish it as soon as we can." Vaughn gave the signal to Michelle which indicated that he agreed with it. However, he had asked for my presence. I turned my camera on and I didn't realize that I had a grumpy look until Michelle took out her phone to capture my facial tissue expression. They were all heavily chitchatting with each other and I was just there with my camera open, watching them until they began to leave. My brows almost met since they took too longer than I expected. Nakasimangot tuloy ako nang kay aga.

Cute, Vaughn whispered. Luckily, there were only four of us, Kyan, Michelle, Vaughn, and me. "Good morning, Dezryl," Vaughn greeted with a smile. I shortly responded with a timid smile though. I could sense Kyan observing us.



"Una na kami, Pres," agad namang sinabi ni Michelle at nagsi-alisan na kami sa gmeet. She chatted me immediately. "Kita mo yun? Jusko dae, para bang nagseselos si Kyan! Oh my goodness ka talaga, jumega. Lumalandi ka na ha." Sunod-sunod na messages niya. Hindi ko nga alam kung ano yung ibig-sabihin niya. Nireplyan ko nalang siya ng haha emoji bago umalis sa bahay. Kuya DJ was determined to leave early which I found irksome. In the end, natulog lang ako hanggang sa makarating ako sa campus. 

Then, after we had our second subject which was Pre-Calculus, I excused myself to go to the bathroom. Michelle and I were chitchatting when our other friend, Julienne was craving for fries. So, I was running down the stairs together with Michelle hoping to catch up with Julienne. I guess I was too careless when I got nudged by some twelve graders. Then, in a spur of a moment, I fell down. 

Well, I thought I had, until I felt strong arms around my shoulders. I quickly looked to see who it was. Kyan...Kyan looked nothing like I knew of him. Rather, he looked dashingly handsome. Suddenly, I felt the need to hold his shoulders as my support. "Are you okay?" He worriedly asked. Kinilig naman ako but I did try to hide it. 

Uminit bigla ang mga pisngi ko. "Ah...oo, okay lang ako. Sorry," nauutal kong sambit sa kaniya. I couldn't look at him properly. Tinawanan niya ako nang bahagya bago niya ako inangat ng maayos. "I guess you weren't really looking. Next time, you should be careful..." Okay lang as long as you catch me...ehee.

I stood there awkwardly while Michelle went ahead. "Are you going to the canteen? Samahan na kita. Ice cream?" My eyes immediately lit up as soon as we started walking. I couldn't believe this scene right now. 

"I was craving french fries right now, but ice cream never sounds bad to me," I said. Just mentioning those names brought dryness to my throat and my mouth began to water. "I can buy it for you naman if you want."

Agad naman akong ngumuso at tinapik siya. "Sus, who am I to waste your money? It's fine—"

"Does saying someone special sound right to you?" He softly spoke, earning my attention. His gaze soften as he spoke, and I didn't think things through after that. It felt like my mind was filtered, and only those words were floating inside. 

We were slowly walking as I avoided him until both of our phones vibrated. "Dezryl, where are yo—why is he repeatedly looking for you?" I looked up at him and shrugged my shoulders. 

I was going to walk first but he said something that made me still. "I meant it, Dezryl. I truly do." 

Then, I think I have fallen in love. 

I think that from the moment he caught me by my waist, I have known to myself that I, indeed, love him.

_____