My Polaris Star

07| Feels Like I'm Drowning

"It has to do with you, you're the one he likes," I tell her.

"You said you'd teach me about the stars," she suddenly says. "I get the stuff with Victor and if you want, I'll talk to him and clear everything up. It's not like you and I are together or anything I just...learning about the stars is the most important thing in my life right now and I can't lose this. I really need you, so please don't stop this just because of whatever Victor told you."

I can tell from her eyes the sincerity in her words, but even more so, there's a hint of sadness – like she's look for an escape and learning about the stars could be just the escape she needs.

How could I possibly say no to her?

"Fine," I say.

***

Julie's POV:

I force myself to hold back from telling Charlie everything about Will and why him teaching me about the stars is so damn important.

The look on the face of a person when you tell them you've recently lost someone is a look I detest. The pity. The realizing that I'm not okay. And even more so, saying it – Will being dead makes it all so real all over again. I can't go through that anymore. It's why I moved here with no hesitations.

I take longer than usual to get home, hoping that my dad isn't there. But after taking so long I realize I can't hide forever and as soon as I turn on my street, I see my dad's truck parked on the curb in front of my house.

With a shaky breath I get down and head inside.

Hearing the door, my mom and John come out from the living room into the front entrance. Mom gives me a worried look.

"Are you okay? We've been waiting for you."

"I'm fine mom," I say. My dad comes out as well. I haven't seen him since we left before the summer. He looks the same though, not like us – our face affected by the grief. On the other hand, he looks like nothing bad has ever happened – uneffaced like always.

"Juliet," he greets me. "I went to go look for you at the museum or whatever it is."

"Science Center," I say back.

"Same thing, right."

"Not really, the science center is a museum, planetarium and-"

"Geez you sound like your brother," he cuts me off.

"How would you know," I deadpan.

"Jules," my mom scolds.

"Excuse me," he says.

I shake my head. "I mean it. How would you know what Will sounds like when you never listened to him when he was alive. You always cut him off or shut down any of his ideas or dreams that he-"

"Enough Juliet, I'm not here for dramatic antics. See this is exactly why I was telling your mother that moving you here was the wrong decision. Don't you think Will would be embarrassed to see you living this way."

"Fuck you."

"Jules," my mom walks closer to me, "your father didn't mean it that way he just-"

"Mom why are you defending him? Huh?"

"I think we should all cool down for a bit," John steps in.

"Good idea John," my father adds, "while we are cooling down let's rethink Juliet coming back to live with me."

"We already said no Adrian," John says sternly.

This is too much. Being here, hearing all these words from my parents – it's all too much.

Without a word I walk back outside. I can hear them calling after me, but I don't turn around, instead I get in my car and start driving.

I drive for what feels like forever, a few tears stream my face. I wipe them, upset that I'm letting myself get so emotional. My dad is right, if Will saw me, he'd be embarrassed.

Before I know it, I find myself parking in front of the meadow where Charlie and I stargazed on the first day of school.

I get down and begin walking. The truth is, I just want to feel close to Will right now.

I can see the telescope as I continue walking but stop when I see Charlie. I don't know why I'm so surprised to see that he's here. I am about to walk back to my car, but Charlie suddenly looks my way and we lock eyes. Shit. I'm embarrassed, not wanting him to see me like this, but it's too late to turn back because he suddenly calls my name.

"Hey," I say to him.

"Hey Jules," he says slowly.

"I'm sorry, I um... I don't know why I didn't realize you would be here. I'm just gonna go-"

"No, wait," he says. "It's fine, you can stay."

I stay quiet for a moment then say, "Okay, thanks." I walk over to him. For a moment we're quiet, and a bit awkward tension begins to build.

"I'm sorry I'm not the best company right now," I say breaking the ice.

Charlie chuckles softly. "Don't even worry about that," he says, "You're not even bad company."

"Thanks," I say, "Though I definitely don't feel like it."

"That bad of a day huh?"

"Yeah."

"Same," he responds. "After leaving the Science Center I met with my dad. Not the best way to end my day."

"I can definitely relate to that," I say, "some dads just suck don't they."

"Mine definitely does," Charlie says.

"So will we wallow is self-pity for the rest of the night?"

"We can do that," he pauses then says, "and also stargaze. What do you say?"

I smile. "That would be great."

Charlie walks over to the telescope and starts looking through the lens.

"By the way," Charlie says, "I'm sorry about earlier today."

"You mean about the part where you told me that you basically didn't want to be my friend anymore," I tease.

He looks down, a hint of embarrassment on his face. "Yeah that part."

I chuckle. "I get it. To be honest, I probably should've just agreed with you, since I know this might cause an issue with you and Victor. But I really need this, especially on nights like these where it feels like I'm drowning because of all things going on in my life, because being here..." I take a shaky breath and continue, "Being here is the only time I truly feel alive."

Charlie walks back to me. He looks at me, an expression on his face that I can't quite read and says, "Don't worry Jules, I won't let you drown."