Everything Has Changed

Therapy

After an amazing holiday season, the reality of adult life began to set back in. Lizzie got very busy with work as everyone wanted a January wedding, so she's been hired to do their photography. I'm so very proud of her don't get me wrong but by the time she gets home I'm so tired from work that we barely say 5 words to each other before one of us falls asleep. I miss my Elizabeth. Work on my end has been so quiet. Jess has been busy planning the book with Milo Greene (thank fuck I got out of that) but I am missing my work bestie. I haven't been given any new cases to start researching so I'm currently in a rather boring limbo. Scarlet has been too preoccupied with Mia to spend time with me, but I can't exactly be angry, I did the same when Lizzie and I first got together.

"I just feel really useless at the moment," I said helplessly as I sat in the same black chair facing my therapist.

This was only my second session, and she already knows way too much about my life. I know that's kind of her whole job but I'm a very private person so having someone know this much about me makes me feel really vulnerable.

Sarah nodded her head and made some notes before putting her pen down to look at me, "have you been using any of your skills?" she asked, referring to the skills booklet she gave me that I quickly shoved under my bed.

"Yes," I lied.

She nodded again, "and are they helping?"

"No," I lied again. Maybe if I actually used them, they might be, but nothing feels worse than having to pull out a book to help process my emotions.

"Have you spoken to Elizabeth about how you're feeling?" she asked, already knowing the answer.

I shook my head, "she's got her own stuff to worry about."

"I think you and I both know she would rather you talk to her than let this all bubble up," she said truthfully.

I nodded my head and moved to cross my legs, "and if it becomes too much for her? Then what."

"What do you mean?" she pushed.

"When she realises how broken I am. Maybe it'll be too much for her," I said slowly, feeling the tears begin to rise.

"She loves you right?"

I nodded my head.

"Then she will stick with you. Everyone has a past Y/N. You cannot let it control your future," she replied.

"But what if she does decide it's too much?" I asked, a tear falling from my eye.

"Then you heal and find someone who loves all of you, even the parts you think are unlovable," she spoke truthfully.

"Fuck I hate how true you are," I said laughing slightly.

Sarah smiled and placed her clipboard down, "our session is nearly up. Is there anything you need before I see you next week?"

I shook my head and wiped the tears that had fallen, "no I don't think so. Lizzie and I are going to Italy on Monday so can we skip next week's session?"

She nodded her head with a smile, "no problem, I will schedule you for the week after?" I nodded and stood up to leave, "talk to Elizabeth Y/N," she ordered.

I nodded my head and smiled, "see you in two weeks."

___

I got home from therapy to a cold empty house. Lizzie was still at work; the heating had been off all day, and I was so fucking tired. I sat on the sofa in the lounge in my post-therapy-slump and sat and stared at the window, watching the birds fly by. At one point two birds sat on the windowsill and had a full conversation before I realised, I was sitting watching two birds have a conversation.

"What the fuck am I doing," I muttered to myself before getting up off the sofa I had sunk myself in for the past few hours.

I wiped my eyes and walked towards the kitchen.

"Hey baby-"

"OH MY FUCKING GOD," I shouted, putting my hands in what I like to call 'karate mode', "ELIZABETH YOU CANT FUCKING SCARE ME LIKE THAT OH MY GOD," I finish, holding my hand on my chest and breathing heavily.

"Sorry baby," she laughed, "I said Hi when I walked in, but you looked very interested in the birds in the window."

"Fuck sorry I- I got back from therapy and I didn't realise the time," I said, steading my breath.

Lizzie looked at her watch and back at me, "didn't you finish therapy at 4?" she asked.

I nodded my head.

"Y/N it's 7 pm," she started, taking off her coat, "have you been sitting, looking out the window for 3 hours?"

I looked at the time and back at Lizzie's face of concern, "fuck, yeah I think so."

"Are you all right?" she asked, walking towards me.

I nodded my head with a small smile.

She cupped my cheek and rubbed her thumb up and down, "what's wrong?"

I shook my head, "nothing, I'm okay Liz."

"Y/N I know you better than that, talk to me baby," she spoke softly.

I shook my head with a smile and a slight laugh until a tear rolled out of my eye, "I'm okay."

"Y/N you're crying," she spoke softly, pulling me into a hug, "what's wrong?"

As soon as I was in her arms more tears emerged, I didn't even know why I was crying. Everything was just so heightened at the moment, and I needed my Lizzie, but she needed to be an adult and go to work. God, why am I crying over the fact she was at work and not with me?

Lizzie ran her hand up and down my back, "Y/N darling what's happened."

I pulled away from her embrace, my lip quivering, "I don't know it's just- I don't know- fuck, why am I crying," I laughed.

Lizzie placed her hand on my cheek, wiping my tears, "did something happen today?"

I shook my head, "No I'm- I don't know, I- I'm just really overwhelmed and I- God it's so fucking stupid but I miss you and I just feel so fucking useless right now and- I don't know what to do Liz," I sobbed.

She pulled me into another hug, caressing my back as I cried into her shoulder, "hey it's okay, it's okay Y/N. How long have you felt like this?"

"A few weeks," I let out in between sobs.

She pulled away and cupped my cheeks for me to look at her, "Why didn't you tell me? I could've helped you."

I shook my head, "I didn't want you to worry. I know you've got your own shit to deal with and you don't need to deal with your broken girlfriend who needs a book to process her emotions and comes with so much baggage-"

"I'm going to stop you right there. I love you Y/N. All of you. I love you when you're ridiculously happy, I love you when you're upset with me, and I love you more than I've ever loved anyone before. I want all of you. I don't care if you need help processing your emotions. I don't even care if you need therapy for the rest of your life. I chose you Y/N, so I am choosing all of you," Lizzie spoke honestly.

I nodded my head and sniffled slightly, "I'm sorry I didn't tell you."

"It's okay Y/N, all I care about is your happiness. You need to talk to me, okay?" She said quietly.

I nodded my head with a sad smile.

"I love you Y/N," Lizzie spoke softly.

"I love you too," I replied, hugging her again.