After the Twilight (Iska Series #1)

18

"Do you need help? Baka makatulong ako. I have no classes naman na."

She smiles and shakes her head. "It's okay, marami naman kami, I'm sure kakayanin naman namin. Plus I'm sure you have something with Enzo rin," she chuckles, waving a hand at me as she walks away. 

As soon as she is gone from my sight, I lean back in my seat and let out a sigh. 

Enzo. 

Halos magdadalawang buwan na din kaming hindi nagkikita. The last time I saw him was the night I ended things between us. It wasn't easy doing that, because no matter how much I remind myself that we weren't real, a small part of me longs for it to be. And I guess, to some extent, none of it felt fake. The way he treats me, the way he smiles at me, the way he kisses me---everything felt so genuine. 

It's been a while now, but I couldn't forget the look in his eyes as I left him that night. It was filled with so much grief and sadness and anger and it hurt me. Somehow, it hurt me to see him hurt, especially knowing that I am the cause of it. 

He was too pure for me, too kind, too perfect. 

And I was born tainted with misery and I don't think I can live knowing I have stained him with my inadequateness. 

Halos dalawang linggo din niya akong sinubukang tawagan, pero hindi ko sinasagot. I had left instructions at the guard sa lobby na huwag magpapapasok ng kahit na sino maliban sa mga kaibigan ko, so I don't really know if he tried to visit me. Ang lumusot lang talaga ay ang mga padala niya. 

I would come home with coffee outside of my door, with short notes like "I hope you feel better soon" and it only made me hurt more. Because despite the pain I have caused him, he still remains to be so kind to me. 

"My mom misses you, and I do too."' This was the last note I received from him, and that night was probably the night I cried the most because I, too, missed him so much. 

Sa dalawang buwan na iyon, hindi pa rin napagtanto ng mga kaibigan ko na wala na kami ni Enzo. I couldn't blame them though, they had their own problems to deal with. And I cannot, in good conscience, bombard them with mine, especially when it was always me who they run to when they need someone to lean on to. 

I needed to be strong for them. 

I have always been seen as the strong one in the group. Ako iyong laging okay. I guess I have perfected my facade so that people look at me as if I have everything in my life all in order. 

Demi was having a hard time dealing with the death of her parents, Ada was having a mental breakdown, and Leo was stressed by his father's candidacy for senator. I didn't want to add to their misery, especially when I know I can somehow handle my problems on my own. I have been too used to crying in solitude after all. 

Somehow, I find it therapeutic to care for my friends. My condo has become their safe place, coming to me in the wee hours of the night to let out everything that ails them. I found joy in it---cooking for them, lulling them, comforting them---it made me feel needed. Like I had a real purpose in the world. I feel wanted, and it made me feel nice, even if I had to put my own emotions into the back seat. 

I'm not complaining though, I would never, but there are days when the pain just knocks on my chest and refuses to be unheard, that a blanket of loneliness just dawns over me. There are split seconds when I wished I had someone like me, someone who'd notice the yelling behind my silence, the cries for help behind my comforting words, the way I've lost weight because I have lost the affinity for eating, and hear the "I'm not okay" behind my every "I'm okay."

Sana sinasabi ko nalang ang mga nararamdaman ko diba? Ang dali-daling sabihin, pero napakahirap gawin para sa akin. I grew up being unheard and unseen all my life. My words weigh no value to the people I wished would just look at me for a second, my childish cries were noted as a nuisance. At a young age, naturuan ko na ang sarili to just bottle things up and not be a bother, it stuck to my head how unimportant my feelings are, that I have resorted to hiding them.