paper rings

"..you stopped existing.."

28th February 2022, Monaco

Charles and I just finished dinner at my place. We made our self comfy on my balcony looking over the lights of Monaco.

"Can I ask you something?" Charles asks me.

I smile "Of course silly, what is it?"

"I watched your stream the other day.."

"I know you told me.. so what?"

"You never told me their names.. and the fact that they are racing drivers and you don't want to come to a race makes me think that they're in F1.. Am I right?"

I sigh "One of them is. The other one isn't racing anymore I think."

"Who are they?"

"I don't want to talk about it.."

He shakes his head "I don't understand when you talk about them you smile but as soon as I ask you about them you shut me out.. what is it?"

I sigh "When I think about our past.. then I smile.. yes.. but the past is the past and sometimes we should just leave it there..." I say giving him a sad smile.

"you reached out to them didn't you?"

"To one of them.. yeah.."

"You could've told me mon soleil"

"Yeah but you know him so that makes everything a bit more complicated."

"Don't be silly you're my best friend, like a sister. There is nothing complicated if someone hurts you."

I smile and lean my head against his shoulder "I'm sorry.." I take a deep breath "Do you want to hear the whole story?" He nods and puts his arm around me and I start telling him everything.. except the name.

3rd September 2018, Monaco

My dad enters the room and shows me an article that he has opened on his phone. My eyes widen and I tear up as I read it. I look up to my dad "He made it...?".

My dad nods and smiles "He did"

I cry because I'm so happy to hear the news that he has a seat in F1. If I could I would fly over there and cry in his arms and tell him how happy I am for him. I have been with him since his first day in the kart.. Now he's in F1. Wow.

My dad left and I pick up my phone. Before I knew I'm on his Instagram.. I didn't follow him or else but I still watched every race of him on the TV. I wasn't sure what I was doing but I click on the 'direct message' button.

We haven't seen each other ever since I left England. We also haven't talked to each other. I did send him a letter after a few weeks to explain everything to him but I never got an answer. It's more then a year now but after those news I just had to text him. He was my best friend after all right?

Hey, Vic here.. I just wanted to tell you that I'm so fucking proud of you. I know you could do it ever since we head to the karting track together. I'm so happy for you!! I love and miss you so much. YOU DID IT !! <3

I sent the message and was scared.. what if he won't answer or what if he won't even read the message..? I pushed those thoughts aside and got changed.

Just as I got ready I made my way to Charles. He just got back from Monza and we wanted to head to the beach. We always did that. Whenever he comes back home we meet at our place and we sit down and talk about everything important. Some days we don't even talk but there was never one time where we broke our tradition. It did happend that he came back and I was on vacation or something but even then he goes there and we FaceTime. If there was a beach close to me I would go there. We always found a solution to not break this tradition.

Just as I arrived at our place I got a message from Charles that it will take him an hour longer because of some traffic. I didn't mind and told him that I would be waiting here.

In the meantime I catch up with my mom. I don't know why but being here makes me feel close to her. Strangers would think I'm crazy but I don't care I just watch the sun go down and talk to the sky.

It was almost dark as I took my phone out and saw a few notifications from Instagram. I had a few thousand followers, don't ask me why I just like posting pictures and random stuff out of my life.

Then I went into my dm's and saw that he answered me and my heart skipped a beat. With a bright smile on my face and shaking hands I open his message.

Don't you dare to think that any of that happend because of you. For me you stopped existing the second you happily pissed off.

I was in shock. I read the message over and over again, trying to understand his words. But I simply couldn't. What the fuck happend..? I just wanted to type a reply as I realised he blocked me.

I couldn't process what happend. I started crying badly as I heard Charles "Woah mon soleil what happend??" He runs over to me and takes me into his arms which makes me sob even more.

After a few more minutes calmed down a bit but Charles was still holding me. He asks me what was wrong and just as I was about to tell him I remembered that they will be on the grid together next season. I try to put on a light smile "Just one of these days you know..?" I say related to my mom's death.

He nods and keeps holding me "I know it too good mon soleil."