Say Something...

Progress

I could only imagine how Monica and Richard would react if I told them I had been cutting themselves. They wouldn't show any disappointment or disgust.

But the pain and worry in their eyes would be more than enough to amplify the guilt I felt inside from merely hiding that fact from them. And as I shot a glance at Nicolai and caught his gaze, I knew he wouldn't tell them either.

That was my secret to reveal, whenever I was ready. And I was nowhere near ready to reveal how low I had felt.

How low I still felt at certain moments.

I wanted to be able to lift their fears, to show them that I was on the right path so they didn't have to worry about losing me as well.

Honestly, I was ashamed of myself, to have never thought about Monica and Richard during all this time. To disregard them and avoid their visits simply because of my own trauma.

What about theirs? Their lost their son.

My breathing was choppy, each inhale hitching from how hard and long I had been crying. I felt drained, tired and absolutely horrible.

Yet there was also that sense of relief, the tension that dropped from my shoulders. I wouldn't even be surprised if I were to fall asleep in the car ride back home.

Slouching back in my chair, I smiled gratefully as Monica tucked the blanket around my body. Meanwhile Richard gave me a tearful smile, ruffling his fingers through my hair with a chuckle.

"You look exhausted." Richard commented with concern, eyes flitting over my body before looking at Nicolai, who glanced at his watch.

And judging by the frown that slipped on Nicolai's face, it was time for us to leave. After all, the cemetery wasn't exactly around the corner.

I mean, technically it was. A short ten minute trip, but one that I experienced as absolute hell.

I guess that was something we'd have to bring up during my next therapy session. To be able to approach cars and be able to be driven around without panicking every second of the trip.

But I realized that while I was dreading the trip back, that wasn't my main concern. Instead I looked at Monica and Richard, reaching out when Monica was about to pull back her hand.

"Can you guys visit? I mean- If you want-" I stuttered, realizing that perhaps they no longer wanted to come by after being shunned for so long.

They both offered me a tearful grin, destroying any fears as they agreed. "Of course we'd like to visit. Should we call ahead of time or can we come over whenever we want?"

Nicolai smiled warmly as he explained, "As long as you arrive during visitation, there shouldn't be any problem. It's not like the staff will chase you out if you were to linger a bit past visitation hours. But you have to remember that the patients also need rest and medical care. It is a balance we must maintain."

They both nodded in understanding and agreed to call ahead for their next visit. Something that I could look forward to and use as a source of strength.

Which was the only reason why, after several moments of talking and enjoying each other's presence, I allowed myself to be placed into the car.

Exhaustion and fear struggled to gain the upper hand as Nicolai started the engine and, after an affirmative nod from me, started the trip back home.

Nausea added to the mix as the fear and anxiety refused to relent, no matter how exhausted I was. Clutching onto the fabric of the seat; jolting with every sudden motion, any car that zipped by without warning.

By the time we got back and I was placed in my wheelchair, I felt completely drained, even though it was just barely past noon.

I was more than grateful when I heard Nicolai murmur to Eddie, "Clear out his schedule. I fear today has already been hard enough on Tommy. He needs to rest and regain his energy now."

Eddie gave me a kind smile before agreeing, scurrying off to change my schedule of today. I wouldn't be able to handle a therapy session on top of today's events, nor would I be able to do physical training while feeling like a ragdoll.

Which was exactly why Nicolai merely gave me a warm bath and changed me into comfortable clothes before joining me on the bed.

Laying on his chest and listening to his heartbeats while enjoying the gentle warmth coming from his body, it was easy to doze off.

Even in my slumber, I seemed to be aware of the comfort Nicolai offered. Staying within the same position and nuzzling closer by the time I slowly became aware of the world once more.

My fingers felt slightly cramped from clutching onto Nicolai's shirt, refusing to let go for even a second. A yawn escaped me before I warily blinked, rubbing over my eyes before realizing I was actually holding a separate shirt.

And then I flushed as realization settled in. A glance at the clock showed I had slept for several hours while latched onto Nicolai, or rather his shirt.

Which meant that the poor man had to sneak out of the shirt in order to be able to use the bathroom due to my refusal to let go.

Yet as I glanced to the side, where Nicolai himself was taking a nap in a noticeably new shirt, I found myself smiling softly. After all, this time I was the one trapped, with Nicolai's arms securely holding me closer against his body.

A soft knock on the door made me twist my neck, straining to catch a glimpse of Eddie. He smiled before chuckling, shaking his head.

"Good to see you awake, Tommy. Dinner is ready so I came to check if you both wanted to eat in the dining hall or rather have a meal brought here?"

I blinked, shaking off the last bits of sleep before slightly struggling to move. Luckily Nicolai noticed my movements and jolted awake, jolting once again when he noticed Eddie at the door giving him a sly wave.

"Ah, erm, I must've... zoned out for a moment." Nicolai muttered, hurrying to wipe the saliva from the corner of his mouth and make himself presentable.

Eddie snickered, stretching out a teasing "Sure... Totally didn't fall asleep and snored poor Tommy awake. Anyways, dinner is served lovebirds. Lemme know if it needs to be brought to your room or not." The nurse grinned before hurrying out the room as Nicolai audibly protested he did not snore.

Before looking at me with a slight hint of shame and worry. "I didn't...actually snore. Right? If I did and it woke you up, I apologize..."

I chuckled, shaking my head as I soothed his worries. "You didn't, at least not to my knowledge. I do kinda need to pee though..."

Nicolai hopped out of the bed, hurrying to bring me to the bathroom before making both of us somewhat presentable. Even after the nap, I still felt exhausted, but there was also a hint of acceptance and courage within my body.

I was going to be moving ahead. Slowly but surely. Even if I had to crawl my way out of this darkness that had left a scar on my life.

But I would force myself to get out of this alive and well. To find the courage to live, to thrive.

I'll be okay.