All That We Held Dear - YiZhan (COMPLETED)

Arc IV - Little by Little - Part 1

Xiao Zhan's time back home had been a blur. He'd lost track of how many variety shows he'd been on, but this was nothing new. Chiyou liked to pack his year-end schedule so he could enjoy a proper break from January to March. When he was lucky, the only thing disrupting his vacation would be Chinese New Year-related work. However, this year would be different, as she'd found him a minor role in a Korean drama and, following the success of their last-minute collaboration, the Korean cosmetic company he'd worked with in December now wanted to hire his services for their spring campaign. Chiyou had orchestrated all this to give him a reason to stay in Korea, and he once again was amazed by her unwavering support. Although he was grateful for all her hard work in enabling the continuation of a relationship she only had a vague understanding of, this time, he couldn't help but worry that it was all in vain.

The words he'd overhead Yibo say had left in their wake a turmoil his mind couldn't extricate itself from. Upon hearing Yibo ask why he was by his sideand why he'd been familiar with him, Xiao Zhan, in shock, had turned around and left. He hadn't waited for Auntie Wang's explanation. He didn't need to. He knew that she would say something about them being close friends. Maybe she would explain how Zhan-Ge had been by his side and cared for him. Maybe. But that wasn't the part of their relationship that truly mattered. Only Xiao Zhan and Yibo knew about what truly connected them, and now, there was a strong possibility that only the former carried this knowledge.

Over the first few days following his return, Xiao Zhan's mind had gone in circles with incessant questions. Was Yibo simply confused because of the drugs? Had he really forgotten about him? And if so, how much had he forgotten? He seemed to know of him, so did that mean he'd only lost part of his memory? If so, how far back had he lost? Would it ever come back? How long would this take? On days when he was slightly more rested, the answers would be positive. Yibo's memory would come back. Even if he'd forgotten about him, they could always create new memories. Everything would turn out alright. However, as time passed, these optimistic thoughts became rarer and rarer. Inevitably, as fatigue accumulated, answers to these interrogations became more and more negative. Yibo must have lost all memory of him. That meant he didn't remember anything about their time together. It was unlikely his memory would ever come back. This pessimistic view was reinforced by all the instances when Yibo had shied away from or evaded his touch. To Xiao Zhan, they represented incontrovertible proof that there was but little hope for the future of their relationship.

It would have been relatively easy to get the actual answers to most of his questions. He could have simply texted Auntie Wang and asked exactly what was going on, but just like when he'd put off calling her after the accident, he held on to the misguided belief that the longer he waited, the less chance there was of his fears turning into reality. He'd composed many messages only to delete them without sending them. The fact that the few times she'd texted to update him on Yibo's health, she'd never mentioned his memory loss had only encouraged him to believe that she didn't want him to be sad and was keeping things secret. In rare moments of clarity, he would realize that none of this made actual sense, but those never lasted long enough to allow him to come to rational conclusions and take action.

To make matters worse, Yibo was a well-known feature in the entertainment industry, and over the course of his work, Xiao Zhan had been constantly approached by various singers, actors, and other personalities who, having heard of the accident and of his presence in Korea, wanted to know how Yibo was doing. Each interaction had raised the same question in Xiao Zhan's mind: " would Yibo know who you are?" From there, he would try to guess how long the person had known Yibo in a futile exercise to figure out how much of his memory was actually gone. Every time his arbitrary calculation told him that Yibo would probably remember them, he couldn't help but feel slightly jealous. He knew this was very unhealthy behaviour, but he couldn't help himself. The whole situation simply felt too unfair. He deserved to be remembered the most. He was the one who mattered most.