Secrets

9

- edited

Cecilia POV

I stood infront of Noah's door. I shouldn't be here. I'm always disturbing people's lives. I should just leave and just jump of something. Preferably a building. I really really really super tall building. A skyscraper. Just jump off. That definitely sounds like an amazing plan. I just need to find the world's tallest building. Where's that? Or i could shoot myself. Should I go in or not. I don't want to disturb them. I'm always disturbing people. I'm a pathetic person who can't even take care of themselves.

My brothers think I'm some whore what will they think when they find out that I have two kids. Twins? I am a whore. It's my fault that I have boobs. I was seducing him. I shouldn't eat food. I don't deserve it. I don't deserve it.

I don't deserve it. I don't deserve it. I don't deserve it. I don't deserve it. I don't deserve it. I don't deserve it

I'm pathetic
I'm pathetic
I'm pathetic
I'm pathetic
I'm pathetic

I'm useless
I'm useless
I'm useless
I'm useless
I'm useless

I'm weak
I'm weak
I'm weak
I'm weak
I'm weak
I'm weak

I'm unloved
I'm unloved
I'm unloved
I'm unloved

I'm problematic
Im Problematic
I'm problematic
I'm problematic

I'm worthless
I'm worthless
I'm worthless
I'm worthless

Hult was right. I'm nothing but a worthless piece of shit.  Wherever I go I bring problems with. I'm so weak that I can't protect or even defend myself. I'm just a pathetic excuse of a person. I don't deserve nice things. I eat to much. I'm fat that's why he raps me. If I didn't grow curves I wouldn't be here. It's all my fault.

The door opened and I pulled into a tight hug. I shouldn't be here. I don't deserve him. I don't deserve his love. His affection . I don't deserve him. I'm broken. Nobody wants broken things. I sobbed into his arms. I was so fucking tired. I'm tired. I want everything to be over. I want to end things.

When will everything be over?

When will I ever be happy? It's not like I'm blessed enough to be happy. I'm cursed with eternal life of misery.

When will people start understanding me? Why would they waste their time to understanding such a pathetic excuse of a human. A failed abortion.

"Hey baby your fine okay I'm with you" Noah said. His scent always calmed me down. He deserves better. The best if the best. His right. His presence makes a great difference. I missed him. I wish that I could live with him. Even as a maid. I wouldn't mind. I just want him. I need him. My home. I can't stand being this far yet so close to him.

Even through we were practically forced to have sex. I still love him. I want to look past everything. He was forced into this arrangement. He was also abused. "I missed you so much" he said. I couldn't let out any more words as I just cried into his arms. I snaggled closer to him. Needing his warmth. I don't care if I'm being too clingy because I needed him. I was touch deprived.

After a few minutes I calmed down. All that could be heard were my sniffs. "I love you" he whispered. How can he love me when I'm so broken? How can he love such a broken thing?

"Come let's get you to bed the kids are sleeping" he said and I nodded. I then remembered something. I just left without informing Jasper or Canon. "Wait I have to call Jasper"I signed.

I called his number and declined. Maybe his busy. He'll know that I'm here.  I know for a fact  that he and Jasper will talk.

I got in bed and cuddled with Noah something I missed. I wish we could do this more often. I slowly let myself drift to sleep.

_________________

I was in the kitchen with my kids. I'm going to miss them . Fuck I already do.one week's up I need to leave.   Ryker and Romilly. My kids. My beautiful kids. They were sad because I was going back. I promised them that the next time I come I'd take them with. I will . I just need three months.

Unfortunately at their young age knew what abuse is.  They are two years yet  they were able to form words. I really don't want to leave them. It hurts my insides.

"Mommy loves you so much" I said. They one of the  very few people I speak with.

___________

I had boarded my plane. All I needed to do now is to face my family. I know that they'd probably hate me right now.

I'll just take my clothes and live with Noah. Noah is 16 by the way.nI walked in the house. My head bowed down.

I knew I was in deep shit. I took a deep and very much needed breath. Suddenly I was attacked by mom giving me a hug.

To my surprise I hugged her back making everyone gasp. Noah had talked to me about speaking. Raising my voice.

"I'm sorry" I whispered. Mom still continued hugging me. Dad joined in. I sobbed not making noise. All that could be heard was my sniffs.

Roman came to me and I tried not to show that I was scared. He hugged me. My body trembled. "I'm sorry I shouldn't have said that it was half baked truth. " He said.

My body stopped trembling. I gave him a small smile. "I think I'm ready to tell you what happened in private"I signed.

Conan looked at me proudly. After everyone apologizing Conan, Jasper,my parents and I went to their office.