A Vow of Silence

Chapter 15.

Nicole

I passed the dish to Abel as he did his best to put the plate in the dishwasher. We had all just finished dinner and he insisted on helping me clean up. Thomas and my dad had fallen asleep on the couch, and my dad's snores could be heard from the kitchen.

I was worried about handling the boys and my dad today, but my dad was good today, his medication helped a lot. It was a very nice day after Jax and Patterson left, and I had a sense of déjà vu from having the boys here. Watching them play with my dad was like watching my girls play with him, and I was surprised at how much peace I felt. I've had a lot of time to mourn my kids, but there are some days that are harder than others.

When we were all done I grabbed Thomas from the living room to go lie him down on my bed. I was going to bring the boys home, but I wanted to make sure my dad was in bed before I left. Abel followed me the whole time as I helped my father to his room, and I could see curiosity strike him as he scanned his surroundings.

"Nicky?" he asked as when I closed the door, "who are the girls in the picture?"

"My daughters," I said simply.

"You have daughters?" Abel looked shocked, "where are they?"

I stared at Abel for a moment, contemplating how to tell him. But then I decided to just tell him the truth, "they're in heaven."

"Like my mommy? Are they angels too? Grandma says that my mommy was an angel."

I nodded my head as I smiled at the thought, "yes, they are angels now."

I thought the conversation was over as I led him to my room where I put Thomas to sleep. He hadn't asked anything further when I began to grab their bags and lead them to my car. I had the key to Jax's house, so I shot him a text to let him know that he wouldn't have to come to pick them up at my dad's house.

However, as soon as I entered the home I could tell that something was bothering Abel. I didn't want to ask him about it just yet, so I got the boys ready for bed and slipped Abel into his pajamas. But when I pulled out one of his storybooks, he was ready to ask more questions.

"Do you miss them a lot? I miss my mommy a lot," he said quietly.

I opened my arms and he crawled into them as I held him close. "I'll always miss them, but I know that they are safe up there. It's okay to miss people, and I'm sure they miss me too."

"Does my mommy miss me?" Abel looked hopeful.

"Of course she misses you. But she will always watch over you and love you while she's up there."

"But why couldn't she stay here with me?" Abel seemed frustrated, "she wouldn't have to miss me if she stayed here with me."

I was completely torn up about Abel, and I found myself holding him closer to me. "Abel..." I pondered what to say next, "your mommy didn't have a choice. Dying is like that, but the good thing is that she finally got her wings and just like I am watching you now, your mommy is watching my girls for me."

I felt completely unprepared as I talked with him, I was constantly worrying about whether or not I was saying the wrong thing. My girls were younger than Abel when they died, I never had a chance to speak to them about death or life.

"So my mommy sent you to take care of me?"

I thought about it for a moment before answering, I didn't want the kid to think I was talking to ghosts. "In a way, I think your mommy knew that you would miss her, and she knew that I was sad about my girls. So she made sure that neither of us was lonely."

This seemed to satisfy Abel and for a split second; I feared that I had said the wrong thing. But then he hugged me and nuzzled his little face in my neck, "thank you, Nicky."

"For what honey," I asked while rubbing soothing circles on his back.

He pulled his face back to look at me, "it was really hard protecting Tommy all by myself." I gave him a sad smile as I pulled him closer to me, rocking him until he fell asleep. Poor thing was probably told to protect his brother and he became overwhelmed. With everything that has happened, it's no wonder he's been freaking out lately.

When he was finally asleep I tucked him into bed and attempted to quietly leave the room. However, I almost jumped out of my skin when I bumped into Jax. I hadn't even heard him come in, so seeing him was a surprise.

"Jesus! You scared me," I exclaimed while putting a hand over my heart.

He smiled sheepishly, "sorry, I came in a while ago, I was just watching you with him. Thank you for that by the way."

I brushed him off, "you don't have to thank me for that. Trust me, that conversation was just as beneficial for him as it was for me."

"Yeah," Jax said looking down, "you mind staying a bit longer? I can put on a pot for coffee." I was going to say no because I was feeling tired, but then the look on Jax's face stopped me.

"Sure, why not?" I led the way to the kitchen and sat across from him in silence as the coffee began to brew.

"It wasn't too hard today with the boys, was it? I didn't mean to bug you on your day off, I know you spend those days with your dad."

I shook my head, "it was fine, my dad and I enjoyed their company. I think it was good for him to play with them, I think it reminded him of the good times."

Jax nodded his head and then the comfortable silence returned. However, he still seemed on edge like he couldn't decompress after such a long day. According to Patterson, Jax's wife was murdered in this house, I'm sure just being in this kitchen was hard for him. It'd be hard for me if I still was living in the house that my family was murdered in.

"So, did you hear anything about Lin?" I asked trying to change the subject.

Jax ran his fingers through his hair in frustration, "they can't pin Tara on him, they said the evidence is inconclusive. Figures, but I'll have him taken care of on the inside."

"I'm sorry, I know that must be hard for you."

Jax instantly looked remorseful, "Jesus, I'm sorry Nic, we're going to get Marks, and you'll get your peace too. Just give me some time to do this right."

I could tell by his passion that he was dead serious, and for some reason hearing him be so vengeful worried me. At the rate he was going, his anger would never disappear, he would always be looking for something to satisfy it. 

I smiled sadly, "we're so much alike Jackson. I was in your shoes, feeling exactly what you were feeling. Hell, some days I still feel like grabbing every single one of those men and putting their heads on a platter. But I realized with Abel tonight, that I have actually begun to heal. You don't have an outer crust, so I know that you let everything in and I can see in your eyes that you're filled to the brim. Eventually, you're going to boil over Jax, and then there will be nothing left to salvage."

Jax's eyes were glossy with tears as I spoke, solidifying the truth in my statements. "So what do you think I should do? Just let them get away with murdering her?!"

"No, but I think you know as well as I do that you have let this consume you. So much so that you are barely functioning. Jax, you're so...far away that you can't even see the shore. You can barely look at Thomas, you've barely even held him. You're hardly home, and when you're here it's like you're itching to get out." I got up from my seat and walked towards Jax, stopping until I was in front of him, "Jax when all your anger is gone and there is nothing left to fill that void, I need you to allow love in. Not because some hippie healing step-by-step program told you to, but because you have quite possibly the best kids in the world waiting on you to come home."

I leaned down and cupped Jackson's face, caressing it with my hand. His beard felt soft on my hand and I leaned down to place a tender kiss on the corner of his mouth. "Good night Jackson, thanks for the coffee."