I shake all my thoughts off. I shouldn't think about it. Nakaraan na iyon, lumipas na. Ang mga nakalipas ay hindi na dapat pang alalahanin at balikan.
Maybe, there are some pasts that we treasure, but those were the only past that has brought happiness. Mga masasayang alaala na dapat talagang dalhin hanggang sa kasalukuyan. I agree to that because I also have those memories, that until now, I still look back into. That I still treasure.
Pero... Kung tungkol ito sa nangyari sa akin 3 years ago? I doubt, I could answer it. Gaya nga nang sabi ko, there are some memories that were worth to keep and there were some that are better to be left behind.
What happened to me for the past years wasn't as good as I was expecting that I decided to left it behind. And I don't think I can talk about it. Ngayong hindi pa gumagaling ang sugat ng kahapon.
Tumingin ako kay Jana na nakatitig parin sa akin. Hininhintay ang magiging sagot ko. Trying to avoid her question. I make a blank face at tinanong rin siya.
“Hindi mo pa rin sinasagot ang tanong ko. What are you really doing here, Janalyn?” Seryoso ang boses ko sabay humalukipkip.
Mabilis na nangunot ang noo niya habang nakatitig pa rin sa akin saka ngumuso.
“You're not going to answer me, are you?” Tanong nito sa tono ng may halong pagtatampo. She sighed in submission. “Okay. Hindi na kita pipilitin. If that makes you comfortable and happy, I understand. Pero kung kailangan mo rin nang may mapag-sasabihan, if it gets too much, nandito lang ako. I am always ready whenever you need me.” Binigyan niya ako ng matamis na ngiti dahilan para mapaiwas ako nang tingin.
Too sweet.
Alam kong naman na andyan lang siya lagi para sa akin. She is and she will be. Pero iba na ang sitwasyon namin ngayon, iba na ako ngayon. Kaibigan ko siya, oo. She's the first person who befriended me when I was still new to this world. I was young and ignorant that time. Walang muwang sa mundong kinabibilangan ko. But after what happened to me brings a different version of me. I can now do anything without relying on her, and I can't just rely on her in a situation like this. Masyado ng magulo.
When I met Jana, I admit she's like a breath of fresh air to me because of how bubbly and open she is. She's the one who initiated our friendship, and I'm glad she did. Naninibago ako. I was new to this kind of world when I find out what I really am. Siya ang nagpakilala sa akin ng lubusan sa mundong 'to. Hindi man niya naipabatid lahat nang tungkol sa uri namin nagpapasalamat pa rin ako na andyan siya gumagabay sa akin noon.
Pero, noon iyon. The situation we are into right now is as different as before.
“Miss Jana? Ano pong ginagawa niyo rito?”
Saabay kaming lumingon ni Jana kay Bea na nasa hamba nang pintoan. Bea turns her head to me with a questionable stare. Nagkibit balikat ako.
“I was asking her the same thing.” Walang gana kong saad rito.
Ilang beses ko na itong tinatanong kung bakit ito narito pero puro tanong naman ang isinasagot nito. 'Di ko alam kung ayaw niya lang sumagot o iniiwasan niya. But, I think it's the latter because whenever I ask her, she avoids my eyes.
Muli akong napatingin kay Jana na ngayon ay busy na sa cellphone niya. She kept her head low, as if she knows we are looking at her. As if she really was avoiding our questions.
