"A thanks to all my tears
Who were always there in my darkest times when I was alone."
This book is not about my pathetic pitied self. Perhaps that's all they'll ever see me as, perhaps they'll always assume that I was the victim. Perhaps this will...
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"Feelings, Chris, put all feelings in your voice," my mom said sternly.
What feelings? The ones that had my heart crumbled? The ones had cut me into pieces, and left me vulnerable? The ones that made me feel pathetic and used? The ones that drove me multiple times to the point of suicide? The ones that had me wandering alone? The ones that made me want to die?
I pushed all my thoughts aside, and started singing again. But that didn't stop my mother from criticizing. I knew if I put in too much emotion, I would start crying. My emotions were raw, and all over the place, and singing the song just brought back too many bad memories.
Too many memories that were better kept buried deep down.
Too many memories that I didn't want everyone to know about.
Too many memories that I felt vulnerable singing about.
I tried to sing normally, but I knew there was no point singing like that. What is the point of singing if you sing without emotions?
As a listener, I would never want to hear something like that.
How could I sing something so disastrous? A song with no emotions...
I tried to put a little emotion in it, but it was hard, you know.
And when I had written the song, I was so bitter about everything. Now, I was over it. I had matured up, and everything was fine. I didn't blame him at all. Not that I ever blamed him...
It just felt so wrong gaining fame through something that broke us apart.
But I had fallen from the grace because of that.
And I wished to gain back my position because of that too.
So, I sang on the guilt. With the anguish in my voice, you'd be able to tell that I was upset. I was demanding answers. Just not from him, but from myself.
My voice wasn't the best, but it wasn't bad either.
Well, at least I felt that.
My mom did point out that I sounded still emotionless.
Did people think feeling emotions was a joke? And when you pointed it out, they just said that, 'Ask someone else to sing it if you can't do it right!'
But it was my childhood dream to become this person. To become a singer. To be able to write my own songs.
I wasn't letting anyone take it away from me. Not after the months I had spent writing so many songs. I sucked in a breath and continued my song.
My mother was still not satisfied, but that was very normal of her. Soemtimes, well, all the time, I felt like she was very choosy and never understood others' feelings or emotions. Her downright rejection hurt me every time, even though I never said anything. Was it my fault? Maybe I was the one who should've said something from the very beginning.
