Train Wreck

sixty-eight

Everyone was stunned by his thoughtfulness but I knew that's just how my brother was wired.

He wanted everyone to be happy, and knew going to the Braves game would be too painful. Staying home for a quiet day and having a PBJ party dinner was more important than experiencing something without his birth father. We discussed ways to celebrate moving forward and decided to honor Greg with a rewatch of "Field of Dreams" while going through baseball cards, allowing Benji the chance to deep dive into something he loves while also grieving.

The ebb and flow of sadness always surprised me. 

 There were always good days and bad, but in the end we focused on moving through the pain instead of shoving it aside. All three of us were transparent if we needed space or had to process something that flared in our memories, whether that be regarding Greg, my Daddy and Clara, or the train wreck.

Sadness was the opportunity to work through feelings and grow stronger.

Watching Remington shift from independent and closed off to the man I knew now was incredible.  He was so willing to share every corner of his heart without any boundaries.  I was constantly in awe of how the same quiet man that seemed to have the weight of the world on his shoulders when I gazed at him across the train car was now such a loving and transparent partner.

Each loss gave us new scars but I knew in time I would feel more like those Kintsugi vases Jesse mentioned awhile ago. The cracks in my heart would fill with gold and radiate beauty to those around me. That's something I knew would help others and give the guys more of an anchor for their own feelings.

"I can't imagine how much pressure has been on you for years, Liss..." Daisy shook her head, leaning back in her chair as I mulled over the conversation. "Just watching how you and Ben are together is incredible. He trusts you so much and even when you disagree has always told me that he knows you've done everything you can to provide him the best life possible. We've talked a lot about what he discusses in therapy and I never would have imagined survivor's grief would be so deep in his heart... it's hard to hear him talk about those feelings but I hope I can help a little."

I smiled, reaching out to rub her arm lightly. "You help far more than you know, Daisy.  He's too sweet and has such a big heart. There is such a long history of grief but it's amazing to see how strong Benji is in spite of- or because of, I guess- all we've gone through. I've made my fair share of mistakes but as Doc knows that just means I'm human." I paused a long moment, debating how to continue and decided to just be open. "Honestly, it's difficult to see the way these guys take things to heart. They are both so hard on themselves and expect to get past hard times quickly. Maybe it's a Lowe family trait or something but watching how Remington is and seeing Benji mirror some of the same coping mechanisms is teaching me to have more grace with myself."

"What do you mean?" Doc said, tilting her head and sipping her wine as she considered my words.

After a bite of an egg roll I found a way to answer. "Remington has spent years blaming himself for Reese's death as well as the end of his parents' marriage. He honestly believed everything was his fault. That kind of deep seated regret and agony is difficult to let go but he's trying. Benji blamed himself for the car accident our parents were in and still struggles to get past that guilt, too." I looked at Doc and shrugged, "I guess seeing them beat themselves up over things out of their control reminded me not to do that to myself as a way of modeling the right behavior? Maybe? Like hopefully if I can get my act together and make sure I'm following my therapist's guidelines with healing then they can do the same.  All of us have experienced so much trauma but releasing the guilt and healing properly will allow us the chance to move forward."