May 4, 2015 [still same day omg]
A S P E N
I did it. I kissed him. It made me burn up all over my body when my lips touched his. They're so plump and nice and I want to latch my lips onto his, only ever letting go to breath. He said he loves me, repeatedly actually. That sparked something in my brain and heart, and it just made me want to smooch him. It was an impulse, but it paid off.
There's no longer this heavy feeling on my chest and shoulders. I don't feel like I'm lying or hiding something anymore. Everything between Calum and I is at peace, and even if it's for a short while, I'm going to enjoy all of it.
Calum's grip on me tightens as we sit on the couch, our feet tangled on top of the coffee table, and I uncomfortably groan.
"Calum, you're holding me too tight." I say, my voice strained because of his grip.
"Sorry..." Calum chuckles, and loosens his hold a little bit. "It's just... I'm holding you, and it feels so different. Not weird, but different. I used to hold you and it'd be... restricted. There's nothing between you and me now, it's just us."
"I know how you feel." I agree with him, and press my forehead against his chest.
There's still no music playing, and neither of us felt like watching a movie, so it's pretty silent except for the words we share between us. The only light in the room is the small amount coming from the floor lamp that's standing beside the television. The air has this at home feel to it, and I never want it to blow away.
"How long have you had feelings for me?" Calum asks, his hand resting on my hip. I know he can feel my fat, and if Raff were to be in Calum's position, touching me like this, I would start to feel self conscious. But this isn't Raff, it isn't anyone but Calum, so I currently couldn't care. Calum could touch me anywhere, I mean anywhere, and I wouldn't care at this moment.
"I don't know. But... Can i be completely honest with you?"
"Is that even a question?"
I laugh, before admitting, "One time Raff and I were full on making out-"
"Ugh." The boy latched onto me grimaces in disgust and fake gags.
"No, no. Just listen. I wasn't pleased in any way, so I kind of... Pretended he was you." I sheepishly disclose. Calum's eyebrows raise, and his lips tug up into a gloating smile.
"You have no idea how flattering that is. To know that you wanted to make out with me over your own boyfriend." He laughs, and I laugh at myself right along with him.
"What about you? How long have you had feelings?" I question, honestly just wanting him to talk so I can watch his lips move as he speaks and hear his voice. M th fingers move to his chest and I start to trace the roman numerals tattooed onto his collar bone.
"I remember seeing you at the wedding and thinking daaamn." Another hearty laugh bubbles up my throat and spills into the air. That's weirdly flattering cominf from Calum. "But, I wouldn't count those as feelings. I actually don't know how long, but it feels like forever." He shrugs.
Silence falls between us, a comfortable silence, not at all awkward, and I bring my hand that was on his chest up to his face, my thumb touching his bottom lip. I can feel his eyes on my face as I trace the outline of his lips, but my eyes are where my thumb is. His hot breath touches my thumb, and makes me weak.
"Can we kiss again?" He asks. How can I deny that?
I nod and slowly lean into him, our lips brushing against one another, sending shivers down my spine. He closes the gap between us, and kisses me full on.
Calum will literally be the death of me.
My breath hitches in my throat, but he pulls away just as quickly as our lips touched, leaving me wanting more. But, I don't show my disappointment in the shortness of the kiss, not wanting to look desperate.
"Aspen, go on a date with me." He says as soon as he pulls away. Chocolate brown eyes meet mine, and I smile.
"Where and when?"
"Is that a yes?"
"It's not a no."
"That means it's a yes."
"Wow, you're so smart, Calum."
"Aspen..." He laughs in a whiney tune, trying to act offended at my sarcasm. His head ducks down beneath mine and nuzzles into my hidden collarbone, his face dangerously close to my to big boobs. He does that thing he does after every time he laughs, where he sucks his lip in his mouth for a second. I love that lip sucky thing, it's so adorable.
"Where do you want to go?" Calum asks when we both stop laughing.
"I don't know. Somewhere with you."
"No, sorry, you're going on our date alone." He shakes his head at my comment, obviously not digging the cheesiness.
"Good. I don't like you anyways." I roll my eyes.
"Well, you're right. You just told me not even an hour ago that you love me, so..."
"Wow. You're so clingy already. We're done." I playfully scoff. He doesn't recoil away from me or anything, but instead laughs and holds me tighter around my waist.
"But, seriously, what is this date gonna be? It has to be special." He states. One of my hands reaches up from his back to tangle in his curly blonde streaked black locks, as my other one lands on his toned arm that's reaching across my belly to hold me.
"You decide."
"How about... Hm... How about we go to an amusement park?" Calum suggests, and I immediately shake my head. Amusement parks are not, and never will be, my thing. I hate park food, and the way my butt cant fit in some ride's seats, and I hate those bars that go over you in some rides because they squish me tighter than most people.
"I hate roller coasters."
"But I'd be there; your big, bad chummy. You could hold my hand and squeeze as hard as you want?" Calum begs.
"Please, Calum, no. It's not the idea of roller coasters that scares me, I just always feel like they're gonna collapse under me." I admit, hating that I start to get emotional. But, I shut the sad feeling down, wanting to enjoy this new sensation with Calum.
"That's so very unlikely. But, fine, if you don't wanna go, I won't push you." His hand meets my hand, the one that's not playing with his hair, and he tangles his fingers with mine, the pair resting on my stomach. Again, I could care less if Calum can feel my fat. Somehow around Calum, I feel more confident. He has such a positive effect on me, more than anyone else I've ever talked or hung around with.
"How about we just go see a movie? Isn't there a new Avengers movie out?"
"Ew no. Not ew at Avengers, but going to a movie is so cliche and boring, and so not special... We wouldn't even be able to talk." Calum shakes his head aginst my shoulder. And then I guess a light bulb goes off in his head because he perks up like he has an idea. "What if we went to a drive in? I used to go to this one with Mali all the time."
"Don't things usually get a little frisky at drive-ins? Or is that just in movies..." I awkwardly laugh. I definitely wouldn't mind getting frisky with Calum, but I just don't want him to think that we're moving too fast. To me, it doesn't matter.
"I wouldn't know, I've never been with a girl to the drive-in. Other than Mali that is." Calum moves his head so that he's looking at me. "Would you mind if things got heated?"
"Honestly, no." I honestly confess, a pink blush tinting my cheeks.
"You're so cute. Ugh, it hurts."
"Same."
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[an]
what even is this chapter im so sorry who am i
