March 16, 2015
I don't know how I've been able to cope at the bookstore without grandma's lively spirit here to keep me awake as dull people shuffle in and out of the store all day, but I have. I haven't even stepped in her office though, I feel like if I we're to, I'd cry until I couldn't anymore. Its still so upsetting that she died, I don't think I'll ever get over it. I can't wrap my mind around the fact that I'll never be able to talk to her again.
I thought my heart couldn't get any emptier when Grandma died. But, then Darcey left. Tears were spilled and hugs were shared at the airport, but she left and it felt like my other half was snatched away from me.
Just as I'm about to close up for the night, the bell above the door rings. I look up to see Raff, hair slightly messy and a smile on his face, as his hands are working his chocolatey locks into a bun. His biceps rip, and for the first time since Grandma died, I remember how truly hot he is.
"Hey, baby."
I expect the normal ping down my back when he says baby, but that doesn't happen. And I start to wonder why.
"Hi, Raff." I smile, mostly forcing it.
"I just got off work, and I wanted to visit you, so here I am." He says.
"I'm about to close up right now. Do you maybe want to do something?" I ask, kind of hoping he'll decline so I can go home and sleep. Due to my restless sleeping, that has gotten worse since Grandma left me, I only got about three hours of sleep last night.
"Well... I rented this movie that I really don't want to watch alone. You want to watch it with me?"
Resisting the urge to sigh, I nod, and smile.
"Yeah, I'll meet you at your place."
--
Halfway into the movie, I was starting to fall asleep in Raff's arms when he pressed his lips to my jawline. It woke me up, not one ounce of tiredness left. Maybe this is what I need, to get me out of this funk; Raff.
His lips move from my newline to my neck, his kisses wet and sloppy. Each kiss felt so weird, each kiss making me want nothing more than to make him stop. But I don't, since I can clearly see that he's enjoying this completely. So instead, I put my hands on him, to make him happy.
I start with my hands on his toned stomach, my thumbs rubbing circles into his skin. His hands make their way down to my butt, and he squeezes it tightly, which isn't exactly comfortable for me. His hands are latched onto my butt, his fingers massaging slowly. Its a weird feeling, having someone rub your ass like this, and there's nothing more I want than for it to stop.
Before I can say anything, Raff's lips crash onto mine, and instantly, his tongue is in my mouth. I'm not feeling this at all, and I don't know why. Our tongues dance, but it's not a sexy dance, it's like when you're forced to dance with your cousin at a wedding or something.
But, I keep kissing him, letting my fingers travel up his shirt, and back down, letting them move up to his hair that's in a bun. Careful not to pull his hair, I take the elastic out- which is actually really hard- and let my fingers tangle in his locks, pulling slightly. I'm mortified when he groans in complete pleasure... and I don't feel a thing.
What happened... How come I don't feel like I used to when Raff kissed me.
Maybe if I close my eyes really tight, until I can hear the strain in my ears, I can pretend Raff is someone else. Maybe someone hot and famous like Evan Peters or young Johnny Depp.
He lays me down on the cushions dark brown couch, and crawls on top of me, my eyes still shut. Oh my god... He's started grinding. By this point, I'm panicking and not quite sure of what to do. It feels good, but it's... Wrong.
Imagine it's someone else...
And then, for some reason, I think of Calum. The way it would feel if he were to be the one grinding on me, his privates close to mine. I start feeling things down there when I imagine Calum's body on top of mine, instead of Raff's.
My closed eyes snap open in shock at myself, and just as Raff starts to unbuttoned my jeans, I push him off. Looking at the coffee table instead of Raff's eyes, I see a foil package- a condom. My heart starts thumping loudly in my chest at the thought of sex. Yeah, I've wanted to do it, despite my nerves and worries, but doing it now, only a few months into my relationship with Raff, is just terrifying.
"What is it?" Raff insists, his tone not pleasant nor nice.
"I'm just- not ready. We can't be doing this."
Shaking my head, I wonder why there are tears starting to form in my eyes. Is it because of Raff's intense stare? Or maybe that I was maybe a few minutes away from the possibility of an actual duck being inside my only vagina. Another factor could be Darcey, who is most likely in New York by now, experiencing things I wish I could experience, or my grandma who was just recently taken to heaven not a month ago. Maybe I have tears in my eyes because Raff touched me when I really didn't want him to. Maybe it's because instead of wishing my boyfriend was touching me, I wished that my best guy friend was in place.
It's just an off day, I desperately need some sleep. This Calum thing is nothing, I've just been with him a lot since Grandma's passing, and he just happened to pop up in my brain as Raff was grinding very hard onto me.
"Why the hell not? Sex isn't a big deal, Aspen, even though it's your first time-"
"Raff, please get off me. I need to go home and get some sleep." I say, not enjoying his mood swing.
"Fine." Raff snaps, and crawls off of me.
I start to walk towards the door, grabbing my things on the way there, but I stop when I feel Raff wrap his arms around me from behind. He spins me around and smashes his lips to mine, kissing me so, so passionately.
When he pulls away, both of us breathless, his eyes search mine for something, as mine search his for something as well. Something we both need, something we both want to have.
"Aspen, I love you."
"I... I love you too.... ?"
[A/N]
Lol Aspen, ur in love with the IDEA of love.
SO HOW DO U LIKE THIS CHAPTER PLS INFORM ME TO MAKE ME HAPPY I NEED IT RN
a girl from school reads this lol hellloooo
