I should be your Beta, not your Mate

5 - Mental break-down

»Lucien, listen to me clearly. I won't get angry quickly and the situation from this morning escalated a little bit. But the last time someone told me: 'Try again' I ended up with a broken jaw because I couldn't get out of a trance. I can't and won't sing anymore! You get it?!«

Snorting, I forcefully opened the door and ran down the stairs. In the process, I almost rammed into Flora who just came up the stairs. With wide eyes she stared at me as I dodged right before her and ran down the stairs without stopping.

Just vague I heard her asking, »What did you do?«

And Lucien's shocked answer, »He can't sing anymore...«

Almost right away when I arrived at the ground floor my fury faded away.

Coming back was a mistake. If I hadn't come back, I wouldn't have met Cassian, wouldn't be confronted with all those problems and wouldn't be in the situation where I couldn't control my feelings anymore.

On one hand I felt this disgusting emptiness, just like I would have no emotions at all. But then there was the uncontrollable fury and sadness that swept everything away with it and messed everything up.

And at the end there was the connection with Cassian that forced things on me I would never do on my own.

»Kyran?« Startled, I looked up and stared into green eyes.

Worried he furrowed his eyebrows and eyed me. »Is everything okay? You look... confused.«

I was confused.

Everything was too much. I didn't want this anymore. Didn't want those confusing feelings anymore.

Slightly I shook my head and passed him.

How should I be the Luna of the pack if I couldn't even handle myself? Generally, how could I be a Luna? I wasn't capable of carrying his children. Well, I wasn't interested in that, but didn't he think about it at all?

He needed to get a woman pregnant even if it would be artificial. However, that child wouldn't be my child. We would live together and set up a loving family that wasn't real. It would be fake.

The child would tell everyone in his school about his amazing father and mother – who he or she may never get to know – and then about me. The man who lived with them, and was only there because of the kind of forced marriage.

Back then, I always hoped I could have an Omega as my mate. I wanted children - I loved them. But I wanted children of my own blood, not adopted or through artificial insemination.

Wanted children between me and the person I loved from the depths of my heart and soul – my mate or husband I choose for myself.

I wanted to be a proper father who loved his children and watched them grow up. Wanted to be together with my mate when our children introduced their mate to us. Wanted to see them get into kindergarten, school, and graduate at the end.

In the evenings I wanted to sing something to them. Wanted to cook together with my mate and cuddle on the couch in the evening while we would watch some random TV shows. Wanted to give something to my mate on our anniversary.

I wanted to do so much that I now couldn't do anymore.

No, I was just the stupid defective Beta who was suddenly announced Luna and that couldn't even get pregnant. Just what was wrong with me?

Abruptly, I got stopped by a hand around my wrist. »Hey, what's wrong with you?«

Confused, I turned my head to Cassian whose eyes went wide. Tightly he wrapped his arms around me and pushed my head against his shoulder while he just held me in his arms.