Sailing With Destiny

Always

"I think that's a different kind of love."

I sat straight and scoffed. "I don't think so. I think she always had feelings for him. As the old saying goes, right person, wrong time."

Kelsey looked at me sympathetically. "Don't do this to yourself."

I took in a breath and nodded. "I won't, not anymore. Mila has been the reason for many ruined holidays, I won't let her ruin this one too." I gulped and ignored the thoughts that went through my head. "The more I think about what happened, a small part of me feels relieved."

"Relieved?"

"I know it sounds bad because I messed up but knowing that this is probably the end for real feels... liberating."

Kelsey looked taken aback for a second. "You right, it does sound bad."

I contemplated my words in my head for a moment. "Don't get me wrong, Mila will always mean something to me, but I think we're wrong for each other. One of the main reasons I broke up with her was because I felt suffocated in our relationship."

"Why haven't you mentioned all of this before?"

I shrugged. "I don't know, I think I've been in denial and blinded by my feelings. I wanted us to work so badly that I ignored my apprehensions and true feelings."

"You're allowed to put yourself first, but you realize you've hurt Mila in the process, right?"

I stared at Kelsey for a long moment and tried to understand what went through her mind. She came off as one of the most diplomatic and sincere people I'd ever met. She was fair and expressed her thoughts but never judged me and my decisions. 

"I know and I feel like shit for it but being together would only hurt us both in the long run," I replied. "Besides, I know if she meant as much to me as I thought she did, I would've never ended up in bed with someone else so soon after we broke up."

Kelsey's brows raised slightly. "So, you did sleep with her?"

"I don't know, I can't remember anything but there's no other explanation for what happened. Intoxicated or not, I still went ahead with it and never once thought of how Mila would feel."

"As your friend, I support whatever makes you happy but as Mila's friend, I feel obligated to punch you."

I chuckled. "Good thing you're my friend first and you like me a little better."

Kelsey pursed her lips and smiled. "I can't deny that but I do feel awful for Mila. She's been through a lot and doesn't deserve this."

Every time Mila's name was mentioned, it stirred an unsettling feeling in my gut. I pushed it aside and focused on the present. I lowered my gaze in shame. "I know and I'd deserve if she never wanted to see me again. I've done her wrong one too many times."

"I think you're in your feelings right now and need a breather from all of this. You don't mean half of what you're saying," Kelsey mused. 

"On the contrary, this is the most transparent I've ever been with myself." I looked into her eyes. "It was so easy for Mila to consider the worst and run away. Yet, not once have you questioned me – there's no judgment or doubt in your eyes."

Kelsey gulped and averted eye contact. "Yes, well, I'm your friend whereas Mila is, or rather was your girlfriend. She felt betrayed and acted in a way anyone in her situation would've."

I was confused by Kelsey. I didn't know if she was on my side or Mila's. On one hand, she supported me and on the other, it seemed she tried to push me toward Mila.