Does It Matter?

Chapter 59

That afternoon, Bug lay on his back in the tent, shut his eyes, and started skipping through moments in time to check the weather. Peering into the future had become a grim task he did only when necessary, but this time he found himself catching and lingering on some of the things he saw. None of it was bad. Sometimes, Brayan was there, and he was soft, attentive, and though sometimes a little aloof, always caring.

Bug heard a sound and opened his eyes to see that, back in reality, Brayan had entered the tent.

"It's going to start raining tonight," Bug told him. "I'm not sure how long it will last. I got distracted."

Brayan sat down next to Bug. "Are there any exciting things in store for us in the near future?"

"No, just... you being nice to me."

"Ah. Yes, I had planned to be. Would you like me to help you wash off in the river?"

Bug nodded. "If you have time. I keep finding bits of dried mud on me."

"I have more time than I know what to do with at the moment."

Just getting up was an effort, but it felt good to be moving. In some ways, at least. Bug's body felt like a mess of competing needs. Movement made him feel more alive, but halfway to the river he was already mentally calculating how much energy it would take to get the rest of the way there and then back, and that wasn't even considering whatever they did while they were there.

It felt like he would be this way forever, but of course that was ridiculous. He'd only had a couple of days of rest and good food after very nearly dying, and before that he'd had only a short period of stability after being starved, abused, and nearly poisoned to death. He was stronger today than he had been yesterday, and there was no reason to think he wouldn't be a little stronger still tomorrow. It was easy to feel hopeless when a short stroll felt like it took everything he had.

When they finally made it to the river, Bug was too tired to do anything but stand there and let Brayan undress him.

"I'm tired," Bug whispered.

"I can see that," Brayan said as he undid the last of Bug's shirt buttons and tugged it off his shoulders.

"I can't really do much, but you can... you can... I don't know."

"Hm?"

"Sorry. I'm not much fun right now."

Brayan undid Bug's pants and then supported his weight as he helped him step out of them. "That's okay. I've been told I don't know how to have fun."

"You like sex, though."

"Yes, and we had it last night."

"But I can't..."

Brayan raised his eyebrows, waiting for Bug to continue. When he didn't, Brayan dismissed the unfinished thought with a shake of his head. "Do you think I dragged you down here as an excuse to get you out of your clothes?"

"Well..."

"I'm not some horny teenager. I like sex, but I can go more than a day without it. I won't die."

Bug dropped his head and nodded. "Mm."

Brayan helped Bug settle himself in the shallow water at the river's edge and then sat down on the bank to take his own boots off. It wasn't until he'd removed them and stood again to unbutton his shirt that he spoke again. "I won't stop wanting you, either. I pick my loyalties carefully, and I stand by them."

Bug swished his fingertips through the clear water. "I just wish I could do as much for you as you do for me."

"Hm. I don't."